Monday, October 01, 2007
The World's Ten Most Unfuckable Rock Stars
That whole business about Johnny Borrell getting his own action figure while yours truly is being largely IGNORED has really pissed me off. It seems that every time I turn on Vh1 there's some pussified bitch of a long-haired man getting tons of gash in spite of looking as though he goes through life doing that dick-tucking move perfected by Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.
I can think of ten dudes right offhand who are mysteriously raking in some choice pussy like they're early-90s Axl Rose for no reason other than they probably sold their souls to Satan himself. I cannot imagine why bitches get all gaga over John Mayer's cascading curls or Adam Levine's smug ass, but some women are truly suckers for what Elvis Costello once called "the 'fuck me, i'm sensitive' Jackson Brown school of seduction." I'm much more partial to the R. Kelly "Let me remind you that I am the king of R&B" approach to courtship. It's not that I like a dude to treat me like shit, but I like a man to be a man like Ernest Hemingway or Tom Jones or Gregory Peck or Geraldo, not a bitch talking about his damn feelings. I mean, look at these losers! Who wants to fuck these guys? Seriously?!
10. Jason Mraz
I once dated this guy who always listened to this "Adult Contemporary" radio station in Seattle called "the Mountain" that was always playing Jason Mraz, and I was never able to truly regard this dude as a real man because of it. Even when he'd be like, "suck my cock, baby" and say other stuff that smacks of manliness, I'd still imagine him in his hybrid car (OF COURSE) jamming to the pop-folky acoustic stylings of Jason Mraz. Needless to say, that relationship didn't work out.
9. Dave Matthews
Ugh. Apologies to my girl MillerTime, but I have NEVER understood what she finds so fucking appealing about the bastard son of Old MacDonald and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man here. Dude needs to get up out the barnyard, lose the acoustic guitar and around 30 pounds, and take a fucking razor to his poorly groomed face.
8. Josh Groban
Is Josh Groban a Jim Henson creation? Because he's got some serious Muppet going on, which pretty much excludes him from being construed as remotely hot by anybody, including the blind. Plus, Josh Groban is played on those radio stations which describe themselves as "warm" and are generally played in doctor's offices and old people's cars. The kind of radio stations that rock a lot of Disney musical themes ("A Whole New World", Phil Collins' songs from Tarzan, "Beauty and the Beast," etc.) and are singlehandedly responsible for Peabo Bryson's continued employment as a musician. I don't do motherfuckers who rock the easy listening channel.
7. Jack Johnson
Just because you're a surfer instead of a regular old harmonica-playing hippie-flavored jerkoff doesn't mean I like Jack Johnson's musical spooge any more than the other nutless crooners on this list. God, not only was this asshole also a favorite artist on "the Mountain" but they sold his CD at the Starbucks that was by my office when I used to work in Seattle, and the baristas there marketed it relentlessly. I'd go in and actually be praying that they'd play some typical, generic Starbucksian jazz instead because there was so much finger-snapping, bongo-drumming, murderous rage-filling Jack Johnson playing in that Starbucks. If there is a single artist most exemplary of what the snobby eco-nazi hipsters unique to Seattle, Jack Johnson may be it. I'll pass.
6. Chris Martin
One part Sir Richard Branson, one part cloying falsetto, ALL Gwyneth Paltrow's simpering bitch. I actually have to admit that it's kind of entertaining seeing Chris Martin cranking that ratchet during a live performance of internationally bumped dance jams like "Clocks" and "Yellow."
5. Thom Yorke
Wasn't this guy the evil computer programmer in cahoots with Famke Janssen and Sean Bean in Goldeneye? Oh no, it's just the lead singer of Radiohead, looking pompous, sullen, and totally no fun to be around at all, per usual.
4. Robin Thicke
He's a little bit Orlando Bloom, a little bit Dr. McSteamy from "Gay's Shitnatomy," a little bit Clark Gable except not super foxy, and 100% the fruit (PUN INTENDED) of Alan "Dr. Seaver" Thicke's loins! While I do have to give Robin props for guesting on a 50 Cent song and singing "money ain't everything, but it's for sure, you pay for nothing when you fuck with me," everything else that comes out of this guy's mouth is more sickeningly feminine than a damn tampon commercial. If music was fabric, Robin Thicke's would be pink lace.
3. Adam Levine
The prospect of sitting on this pencil dick gets one reaction from me: NO FUCKING THANKS! I've got better things to do than chase after the chief twink from Maroon5. Go back to Canada or wherever, you scrawny tool.
2. James Blunt
The phrase "SHA RIGHT" was invented to describe my feelings about the prospect of fucking this wonk-faced assclown. After tormenting the world for months with that incessant "Beautiful" cacophony, James Blunt managed to ugly his way straight into the pants of tsunami surviving supermodel Petra Nemacova. Petra wised up and dumped him eventually...FOR CHEATING ON HER! What kind of world do we live in where a greasy first cousin of Gollum's cheats on hot Czech supermodels with other disproportionately hot bitches?
1. John Mayer
The undisputed king of mischaracterizing a she-male for a macho rock star, John Mayer has managed to juxtapose badass "rocker" stuff like tattoos and sleeveless muscle shirts with his glossy body wave and a set of SERIOUS DSLs. Yet, mysteriously, John Mayer has boned half of Hollywood. For some inexplicable reason, John Mayer is like R. Kelly, where he's at the top of the world and life's a pussy buffet. The only possible explanation I can conceive of is that a bargain for his soul was somehow involved, because "hot sex on a platter" is not what crosses my mind when I look at John Mayer. What does cross my mind is that as long as John Mayer is going to the salon to get his pussy waxed, he might want to get his eyebrows done while he's there. God, he's not even a competent metrosexual! I'd rather pour cement in my vagina and seal it permanently than let John Mayer's disappointing weiner anywhere near it. Again, NO FUCKING WAY!
More than climate change or war in the Middle East, I would have to say that these dudes reeling in scores of hot bitches is the most indicative portent of the Apocalypse in ages. The world is truly, TRULY an unfair place! If John Mayer isn't getting summarily shot down for being the effete emotive bomb as he should be, there is no justice. The world needs to end already, because this is just wrong.
I can think of ten dudes right offhand who are mysteriously raking in some choice pussy like they're early-90s Axl Rose for no reason other than they probably sold their souls to Satan himself. I cannot imagine why bitches get all gaga over John Mayer's cascading curls or Adam Levine's smug ass, but some women are truly suckers for what Elvis Costello once called "the 'fuck me, i'm sensitive' Jackson Brown school of seduction." I'm much more partial to the R. Kelly "Let me remind you that I am the king of R&B" approach to courtship. It's not that I like a dude to treat me like shit, but I like a man to be a man like Ernest Hemingway or Tom Jones or Gregory Peck or Geraldo, not a bitch talking about his damn feelings. I mean, look at these losers! Who wants to fuck these guys? Seriously?!
10. Jason Mraz
I once dated this guy who always listened to this "Adult Contemporary" radio station in Seattle called "the Mountain" that was always playing Jason Mraz, and I was never able to truly regard this dude as a real man because of it. Even when he'd be like, "suck my cock, baby" and say other stuff that smacks of manliness, I'd still imagine him in his hybrid car (OF COURSE) jamming to the pop-folky acoustic stylings of Jason Mraz. Needless to say, that relationship didn't work out.
9. Dave Matthews
Ugh. Apologies to my girl MillerTime, but I have NEVER understood what she finds so fucking appealing about the bastard son of Old MacDonald and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man here. Dude needs to get up out the barnyard, lose the acoustic guitar and around 30 pounds, and take a fucking razor to his poorly groomed face.
8. Josh Groban
Is Josh Groban a Jim Henson creation? Because he's got some serious Muppet going on, which pretty much excludes him from being construed as remotely hot by anybody, including the blind. Plus, Josh Groban is played on those radio stations which describe themselves as "warm" and are generally played in doctor's offices and old people's cars. The kind of radio stations that rock a lot of Disney musical themes ("A Whole New World", Phil Collins' songs from Tarzan, "Beauty and the Beast," etc.) and are singlehandedly responsible for Peabo Bryson's continued employment as a musician. I don't do motherfuckers who rock the easy listening channel.
7. Jack Johnson
Just because you're a surfer instead of a regular old harmonica-playing hippie-flavored jerkoff doesn't mean I like Jack Johnson's musical spooge any more than the other nutless crooners on this list. God, not only was this asshole also a favorite artist on "the Mountain" but they sold his CD at the Starbucks that was by my office when I used to work in Seattle, and the baristas there marketed it relentlessly. I'd go in and actually be praying that they'd play some typical, generic Starbucksian jazz instead because there was so much finger-snapping, bongo-drumming, murderous rage-filling Jack Johnson playing in that Starbucks. If there is a single artist most exemplary of what the snobby eco-nazi hipsters unique to Seattle, Jack Johnson may be it. I'll pass.
6. Chris Martin
One part Sir Richard Branson, one part cloying falsetto, ALL Gwyneth Paltrow's simpering bitch. I actually have to admit that it's kind of entertaining seeing Chris Martin cranking that ratchet during a live performance of internationally bumped dance jams like "Clocks" and "Yellow."
5. Thom Yorke
Wasn't this guy the evil computer programmer in cahoots with Famke Janssen and Sean Bean in Goldeneye? Oh no, it's just the lead singer of Radiohead, looking pompous, sullen, and totally no fun to be around at all, per usual.
4. Robin Thicke
He's a little bit Orlando Bloom, a little bit Dr. McSteamy from "Gay's Shitnatomy," a little bit Clark Gable except not super foxy, and 100% the fruit (PUN INTENDED) of Alan "Dr. Seaver" Thicke's loins! While I do have to give Robin props for guesting on a 50 Cent song and singing "money ain't everything, but it's for sure, you pay for nothing when you fuck with me," everything else that comes out of this guy's mouth is more sickeningly feminine than a damn tampon commercial. If music was fabric, Robin Thicke's would be pink lace.
3. Adam Levine
The prospect of sitting on this pencil dick gets one reaction from me: NO FUCKING THANKS! I've got better things to do than chase after the chief twink from Maroon5. Go back to Canada or wherever, you scrawny tool.
2. James Blunt
The phrase "SHA RIGHT" was invented to describe my feelings about the prospect of fucking this wonk-faced assclown. After tormenting the world for months with that incessant "Beautiful" cacophony, James Blunt managed to ugly his way straight into the pants of tsunami surviving supermodel Petra Nemacova. Petra wised up and dumped him eventually...FOR CHEATING ON HER! What kind of world do we live in where a greasy first cousin of Gollum's cheats on hot Czech supermodels with other disproportionately hot bitches?
1. John Mayer
The undisputed king of mischaracterizing a she-male for a macho rock star, John Mayer has managed to juxtapose badass "rocker" stuff like tattoos and sleeveless muscle shirts with his glossy body wave and a set of SERIOUS DSLs. Yet, mysteriously, John Mayer has boned half of Hollywood. For some inexplicable reason, John Mayer is like R. Kelly, where he's at the top of the world and life's a pussy buffet. The only possible explanation I can conceive of is that a bargain for his soul was somehow involved, because "hot sex on a platter" is not what crosses my mind when I look at John Mayer. What does cross my mind is that as long as John Mayer is going to the salon to get his pussy waxed, he might want to get his eyebrows done while he's there. God, he's not even a competent metrosexual! I'd rather pour cement in my vagina and seal it permanently than let John Mayer's disappointing weiner anywhere near it. Again, NO FUCKING WAY!
More than climate change or war in the Middle East, I would have to say that these dudes reeling in scores of hot bitches is the most indicative portent of the Apocalypse in ages. The world is truly, TRULY an unfair place! If John Mayer isn't getting summarily shot down for being the effete emotive bomb as he should be, there is no justice. The world needs to end already, because this is just wrong.
Labels: assholes, John Mayer sucks, oh the horror, overcompensation, pro-apocalyptic zeitgeist, you're ugly
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I peed a little reading this. Don't agree with every one, but fucking hilarious nonetheless.
# posted by 
: 10/01/2007 3:25 PM
: 10/01/2007 3:25 PM
as soon as i saw the title.. i was thinking.. ok where is john mayer on this list? not surprised he ended up first.. but great nonetheless
While disagreeing with #9, I can get behind all the rest of these. Thanks for keeping me unproductive!
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# posted by : 10/01/2007 9:15 PM
: 10/01/2007 9:15 PM Links to this post:
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