Thursday, November 29, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Acne Vulgaris
DOB: Puberty
Occupation: Fucking bitches' faces up
Hometown: clogged pores
Current residence: my face
Douchebaggery: I am twenty-nine years old. ALMOST THIRTY. So why am I still getting zits like a damn teenager fifteen years my junior? Granted, right now I have one solitary blemish (that picture above is NOT my face, by the way...I'm just too vain to even stick a picture of myself with even one unsightly pimple up on the internets so I looked up some grossness on the internets to illustrate my point). However, one blemish is one too many. Besides, it's huge.
Last night, I was bitching to J-Sexy about this and she said, "Oh, please, I didn't even notice it until you pointed it out." Well, maybe it's not that noticeable to everyone else, but every time I look in a mirror, I feel like I'm witnessing the eruption of Mount Saint Helens on my right cheek. It might be only one (giant, obvious, disgusting) zit, but I still feel like Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs nonetheless:
Even worse is the fact that I am not big into makeup. I suck at aesthetic girl stuff, like fixing hair (I can't even French braid) and applying cosmetics. Therefore, I don't have the skills to cover up this zit without having what my friend MillerTime calls "Krissy Grant face." Krissy Grant was this girl we went to high school with who had bad skin and always laid the foundation on thick, even though it didn't match her skin tone. Therefore, she'd always have a noticeable line where the foundation left off and her real skin began. Even worse, because the pancake was so thick, it would cake up on "problem areas," thus drawing even more attention to her dermatological imperfections rather than disguising them. I'd have felt sorry for her if the dumb whore hadn't sucker punched me (actually, it was more like a sucker bitch-slap) in the student center during our senior year for making a snide comment about how she was already a mother with a crackhead baby daddy at the ripe old age of 16. I just remember feeling a jarring blow to the back of my head and a glimpse of a retreating orange face that screamed, "Don't talk shit about my kid, you fucking bitch!" Maybe I would have been more sympathetic if she hadn't slapped me with my back turned and run away like a damn coward. Needless to say, I didn't hit her back or tattle on her, but I didn't stop talking shit, either...as I am obviously doing so over a decade later. Her MySpace tells me that she had another couple bastard kids and lives on a military base somewhere; I clearly won the game of Life. But I digress.
The point is that I am not skilled enough with a makeup sponge to disguise my unsightly zit without giving myself a serious case of Krissy Grant face, so I just have to suck it up and face the world with this damn thing uglying me up. I'd rather go au naturel and hope that, as J-Sexy said, it is less noticeable to other people than it is to me. What I want to know, however, is when will this stop? I wash my face, I try to drink enough water, and I don't eat fast food. Why am I still getting freaking zits now that I am pushing senior citizenship? I better not be getting pimples along with my AARP newsletters, because I thought that one of the perks of aging was not having to put up with teenager crap like acne anymore. I don't want to be using Proactiv when I'm thirty! It's time for my skin to start acting its age. Why can't I have some wrinkles instead? At least those would make me seem distinguished and mature.
Labels: aging, Daily Douchebag, overcompensation, vanity, you're ugly
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you got sucker punched by Krissy Grant!?!?! That's fucking hilarious! I had forgotten she was pregnat; I just remember he oversized parka cum puffy cum wind breaker, a la Columbia sportswear. Who is the daddy? Do you remember? Please tell me it wasn't you know who!
# posted by 
: 11/29/2007 3:24 PM
: 11/29/2007 3:24 PM
Some dude named Jody or Joby or some other name well-suited to a meth-cooker extraordinaire from Spanaway. In fact, I wouldn't be shocked to find out that he was one of your esteemed clients.
PS-Who is "you know who", besides Lord Voldemort? The only person I can associate with Krissy was Pat Andrade, and she may have been many things (pathological liar, generally insane bitch) but I don't think she was secretly a man. Then again, I don't recall ever seeing her naked in the girls locker room above the good old Names Gym, and her name WAS Pat. Hmmm...
I was thinking it was Damon Harrison for some reason. Am I just making shit up in my old age?
# posted by : 11/30/2007 1:12 PM
: 11/30/2007 1:12 PM
Are you really so retarded that you have to talk about people that you knew in high school? Wow you stupid old bitch, move the fuck on with your goddamn shitty life!
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# posted by : 7/08/2008 4:49 AM
: 7/08/2008 4:49 AM Links to this post:
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