Friday, November 30, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Dudes who just won't take a fucking hint
DOB: mid-late 70s (the fact that all these dudes are in their 30s makes it that much more inexcusable)
Occupation: pseudo-stalking me, pestering me via phone, text message, and e-mail
Hometown: varied
Current residence: New York, New York or Brooklyn, New York
Douchebaggery: I have had it with dudes who think that because they had one drunken roll in the hay with me, we're kindred spirits and I owe them my time and attention. WRONG! I owe them NOTHING, and I don't appreciate being put on the spot about it. Be glad you got a piece of ass, fucktard. Sometimes, when a dude who is insecure or has other problems feeds me a few scotches or a few dozen beers, I might overlook his issues and fuck him. This does not mean I want to be his girlfriend or his confidant or his therapist or his mom or anything else. Unfortunately, sometimes this isn't clear to the guy and he persists in annoying me with repeated requests to hang out. Even worse, sometimes the guy in question is linked to me via some other type of relationship--professional, friend-of-a-friend, related to a friend or colleague, etc.--and I can't just bluntly tell them to fuck off as I would be naturally inclined to do because of the risk of damaging fallout in other areas of my life.
These dudes persistently sent these plaintive, desperate-sounding e-mails. One guy just sent me an e-mail complaining that "it's been forever since we hung out." Specifically, it's been since I slept with him months ago! On that occasion, he pissed me off royally by deciding that he should hang around my apartment until two in the afternoon the next day, unload literal TONS of personal baggage on me (because...WHY?), refuse to fuck me in my favorite position (doggystyle) because it was "degrading," and drink all my beer! Even when I hinted that he should make like a library and book he didn't catch on, such as when I said, "well, I've got stuff to do, I better hop in the shower" and he responded, "oooh, let's shower together." GET A FUCKING CLUE, ASSHOLE. That's nice-girl for "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT, YOUR TIME IS UP!" As I hated this motherfucker so much at this point that tolerating a group shower was not an option for me, I finally had to call J-Sexy and stage a phone conversation that made it sound like I was late to some very important team labwork date, which is one of the most preposterous stories I've ever made up. Thank God J-Sexy played along and I was able to finally shake off this sexual lamprey and promptly demand that we go to Dinosaur BBQ and get drunk commiserating over ribs and tales of honeys who just won't leave.
Somehow, it was lost on this guy that I have mysteriously been so busy for the past SIX MONTHS every time he's wanted to hang out, except for situations in which there are a lot of other people there. Nonetheless, every time I talk to him for reasons having to do with our pre-existing non-sexual relationship, he immediately starts gabbing about his personal life and bitching about how we need to hang out. Why do we need to hang out? Our relationship outside of the one time we had sex is not a friendship, I definitely don't consider him a friend, I don't care about his life, and I have zero desire to tell him about mine. In fact, his desperation and insistence makes my skin crawl, I hate his personal style, I absolutely don't give a rat's ass about his insecurities, his psychosexual issues, or his relationship with his ex, I think he's really obnoxious to make so many demands on my time (and then act bitchy when I make yet another excuse to not hang out with him), and I would rather have sex with a fat homeless serial killer than deign to fuck him ever again. I actually am fairly busy, and I don't have enough time to see my friends as regularly as I would like, or get enough sleep, or get laid with guys I actually do like, so why would I spend a precious evening having drinks and listening to this asshole ramble on self-importantly and then try to convince me to fuck him again? I FUCKING WOULD NOT!
However, no matter how many times I make vague excuses to not hang out or to cancel hanging out, how many times I ignore his obvious hints to invite him to various functions (my birthday party, Thanksgiving, etc.), he doesn't get the fucking picture. When I finally managed to get him out of my apartment after fucking him months ago, he said, "I hope things aren't weird between us."
"I'm sure they won't be," I said. I assumed that he'd finally gotten the message that I was uncomfortable with what had happened, and I was not up for having it again. Surely I thought that months of me not being available or ever initiating a hangout session myself would help reiterate that point. Sadly it did not, and now he's angling to hang out with me in 2008 since I told him I was basically booked through the holidays. Guess what? Put it together, dude: if I wanted to hang out with you so bad, I would make time to do so. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE TIME FOR YOU. In fact, if I could, I'd tell you that I think you are pathetic and desperate and socially dysfunctional and it's insulting that you think I would want anything to do with juvenile ploys to make your ex jealous, lengthy analysis of all your many personal problems, or sitting around alternately fucking you and listening to you process about all your myriad issues. NO. So quit asking before I have to make up a lie about seeing someone else just to shut you up, because I hate lying and that probably wouldn't be an effective deterrent anyway. Seriously, LEAVE ME ALONE!
The sad thing is that even though I'm almost positive the aforementioned dude reads this from time to time like a good pseudostalker should, the likelihood that he'll recognize himself and adjust his behavior accordingly is slim. In fact, even if he does recognize himself, he'll probably want to process like a couple of damn Smith lesbians about my feelings for him, and that will create still more opportunities for him to torment me with queries about when we can hang out again, and make the entire situation that much more uncomfortable when I have to see him for reasons pertaining to our other relationship. Dude, do us both a favor and just quietly go find some other chick to misplace all your drama on and who likes fucking in the closed-leg missionary position so that we can coexist in peace. I'm never hanging out with you. Deal.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, overcompensation, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, sex, sluts
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Razzy, you're slowly learning that being totally awesome is not all fun and games. I worry about you, doll.
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# posted by 
: 12/03/2007 3:37 PM
: 12/03/2007 3:37 PM Links to this post:
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