Friday, November 09, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Hayden Panettiere
DOB: Aug. 21, 1989
Occupation: Television actress, proto-cokewhore, outrageously young purveyor of environmentally moralizing condescension
Hometown: Palisades, New York
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Douchebaggery: It’s bad enough that Hayden Panettiere isn’t really particularly cute. Sure, she just turned 18, but she’s got that disconcerting, blond-yet-vague-Jewess look to her, she has oddly short arms, and she always wears stubby, unflattering empire-waist dresses. I can’t care enough to watch “Heroes,” which I hear sucks this season. But my low-simmer distaste for Hayden Panettiere overboiled into full fledged disgust this week when her dumb, fugly, young ass got out there trying to keep Japanese fishermen from skewering them some delicious fishes (or marine mammals – whatever), and then got on camera to cry about it and scold Asians over their taste for blubber.
Really, Hayden Panettiere – really? Of all the earth’s scourges – of all the pestilence, hunger and despair – you want to call out exotic sushi as a major threat to our future? If dolphins are in so much trouble, how come they let me swim with some of them on my honeymoon? I don’t see a whole bunch of opportunities to cavort with endangered species like the manatee, Cerulean warbler, lynx, bald eagle, blue whale or snowy owl. Nobody’s offering hangouts with swift red foxes during their DisneyWorld vacation or giving chances to kick it intimately with gorillas on safari. But any stinking, chicken-pox-laden five-year-old can get his picture taken kissing a dolphin in Cancun. And aren’t we hearing all the time about how dolphins are smarter than humans or something? Well if that’s the case, surely the dolphins – yes, blond sniffles, even “the baby ones” – stand a good chance of outwitting an aged Japanese fisherman with nothing but a spear and a wooden kayak. As Razzy points out, there are only two dolphin species that are endangered – the Indus River dolphin of Pakistan and the Yellow River dolphin of China – and neither are ever threatened with Japanese Long Poles. Still, Hayden wants us to know that “these animals are being brutally and unnecessarily slaughtered – and who are we to say to they have less of a right to exist than we do?”
Ugh, Hayden, shut up! Get your ass to the Les Deux bathroom with your girlfriends, cell-phone-video yourselves shoving mounds of coke up your noses, flash your nana to the paparazzi, get arrested and entertain us like you’re supposed to! Either that or admit you’re a lesbian, because I know from experience that only honey-lovers dig on whales as much as you clearly do.
Labels: assholes, celebrities, Daily Douchebag, LL Cool Jew, retard rage, sexy delicious animals
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Yeah, I caught that newsflash on E! I think, or was it VH1? I dunno. It was one of those black holes of vapidity on the cable idiot box. Anyhow, I think she is fantastic on Heroes. She's definitely one of the better younger actresses around (although I also think Scarlett Johansson is great, too) and at least she isn't acting like another Paris or Nicole. I give her props for having a cause, but honestly this was likely some photo op from the mind of her publicist and nothing more. She'd gain more respect if she's rally people in Tinseltown against the stupidity of those clueless famous-for-not-much bimbos instead of against the killing of Japanese dolphin for sushi. Yet another Hollywood persona embarrassing us Americans in the eyes of the rest of the world. "Hey, I'm gonna visit your country and completely make an ass out of myself because I'm a stupid American!" Ugh.
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