Friday, November 16, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Katie Cassidy
DOB: November 25, 1986
Occupation: "Hollywood actress," minor in possession, NOT a mathematician
Hometown: Los Angeles, California
Current residence: West Hollywood, California
Douchebaggery: It's hard for me to think of anything I'm more pissed about than the fact that today is my last day of being 28. I really don't care that much about aging--being that thirty is the new twenty, or something--but for some reason just hearing that I'm 29 bugs me a little bit. It's my last year in my twenties, and I feel like I should have accomplished more by now. I should be halfway to buying my NFL team, not still stuck in grad school toiling away at the shitshow that is my thesis project. However, my failings at being a fully qualified Ph.ake Doctor so far are a pretty good problem to have compared to some. I could be 20, and monumentally stupid.
Enter Katie Cassidy, daughter of 70s teen idol David Cassidy and some skank model, and, judging from her pictures, the proud owner of a brand new set of Chiclet-esque dental veneers. Katie and her chewing gum teeth were doing a little underage drinking in Tucson, Arizona, when the cops stopped a car she was riding in. Dude driving the car was doing so erratically, and whether this was because he was drunk or receiving some good old-fashioned drunk bitch road head from his passenger Katie is up for debate. Wanting to avoid the M.I.P. citation so dreaded and feared by partying high school students everywhere, she told the cops that she was a Canadian, gave the name of a 23-year-old actress, and then said "I'm 21" after giving her birthdate as "4-29-84." The cop was like, "Uh, doesn't that mean you're 23?" Then she was like, "Okay, Sherlock, you caught me," and fessed up. Upon hearing her confession, the cop promptly arrested her for lying to him. After her arrest, the cop called her mom, who wanted to know how to fix this up without any trouble on account of Katie being a "high-profile" actress without time in her busy schedule to make court appearances.
So, let me get this straight. This bitch, whose major screen credits basically consist of making the rounds at the CW (portraying variations on the earnest slut theme on "7th Heaven," "Summerland," and "Supernatural"), is so fucking busy making out with Jared Padalecki or whatever for the camera that she can't be bothered to explain to a judge why she was running around getting shitfaced on Cape Cods a couple weeks prior to her 21st birthday. Furthermore, the people of Tucson should accommodate this, because somehow this bitch's inability to subtract 21 from 2007 isn't her fault. Fuck that. Somehow I suspect Katie will be able to haul her sorry "high-profile" ass off the Z-list long enough to show up in a goddamned Tucson courtroom. Maybe while she's en route to court from California she can brush up on her second grade math skills, too.
Like I said, I might be practically menopausal and approaching the ripe old age of almost-thirty, but on the bright side, I'm not completely fucking retarded. Granted, I'm sure that senility is right around the corner for me in my advanced years (I was born in the SEVENTIES), but for the time being, I am at least clever enough not to bet that my drunken arithmetic is superior to a sober police officer's. Until my mind succumbs to the ravages of age, I can at least take comfort in knowing that even on my worst day, I'm smarter than Katie Cassidy's busted, entitled, dumb blonde ass on her best. The sad thing is that the cops probably would have let her slide if she hadn't fucked up on the birthdate, because she definitely looks 21 or older. Girlfriend already is looking a little mature, so she can expect that "high-profile" career as a "Hollywood actress" to be short, at least if she's going to specialize in skanks young enough to fuck leading men of Jensen Ackles's ilk. Her looks are going to go and then what will she do with herself? Certainly it looks like being a mechanical engineer or a theoretical physicist or a CPA are all out as a career plan B. At least now that my looks have gone, I can blind you all with science. It's a lot better being Old Razzy than Young Katie Cassidy.
Labels: aging, assholes, crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, retard rage, sluts
Comments:
Links to this post:
<< Home
I read the police report on smokinggun and discovered that Cassidy's arrest went down five blocks from where Morrissey'Hair and I used to live! Holla, Euclid Ave.!!!!
Post a Comment
# posted by 
: 11/16/2007 2:40 PM
: 11/16/2007 2:40 PM Links to this post:
<< Home
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
