Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Kids These Days
DOB: Late 1980s, early 1990s
Occupation: Writing penis-tucking acoustic love songs, going vegan
Hometown: Chicago, Illinois
Current residence: The “Wild Young Things” tour bus with fellow fecktarded “bands” Fall Out Boy, Cute Is What We Aim For and Gym Class Heroes. Headdesk!
Douchebaggery: Warning – this is me, shaking my old-lady cane at Kids These Days. I was driving around the burbs running errands last weekend and listening to my second-favorite weekend radio broadcast after “Wait! Wait! Don’t Tell Me!: The NPR News Quiz,” which is “Sunday Morning Slow Jams” on the local ’Nolia “urban music” station. During a commercial break, I switched over to Ryan Seacrest’s “American Top 40,” hoping to hear Brit Brit’s new single “Piece of Me,” and what I heard just about made me spray mouthfuls of iced coffee-and-chicory all over the inside of my windshield.
I’ve been vaguely aware that there’s a popular band out there the kids like called the Plain White T’s, mostly because I change the channel whenever their performances are announced at the awards shows I like to watch, since just the first few bars of plaintive acoustic strains heralding a mournful, sexless white-boy ballad are enough to provoke from my very recesses a guttural, disgusted howl of disdain. But there went Ryan Seacrest, announcing, “And at number (whatever), here’s Plain White T’s with, ‘Hey There Delilah.’” I should have stuck to my previous switching-channels policy, but I was stunned immobile by the pallid, limp-dicked lyrics that came fast, whiny and furious:
Hey there Delilah
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can’t shine as bright as you
I swear it's true
Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side
This is one of the most popular songs in America? There are kids out there really relating to this nursery-rhyme-set-to-acoustic-guitar bullshit? So wait, if Delilah’s in New York City and our narrator has obviously never been there since he thinks Times Square is flashy and romantic instead of a nightmarish tangle of traffic, tourists and Scientologists…wait…then that means he must be the clingy, loser boyfriend who’s in a band back home…no…it can’t be…
Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good
Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one’s for you
Oh my God, Delilah – mayday, mayday – dump his ass! Dump him! Even if he does make it in music, won’t you be embarrassed to tell people you’re dating that pussy from the Plain White T’s? You’ve already wasted two perfectly good years in college in a long-distance relationship with this simpering, pussified, chinless, pube-stachioed hipster who has been busy stinking up his mom’s basement with his loser bandmates while you pursue your fine arts degree at Pratt or your theatrical studies at the Tisch School or whatever! Even at those gay man magnets I am confident you could find a manlier boyfriend than this pansy you’ve got back home.
So what is wrong with Kids These Days? Why are they listening to this crap? Where’s their sense of youthful excess and rebellion? What happened to white rockers that jammed about screwing groupies and main-lining Jack Daniels and rocking all night long? This is why so many white kids listen to hip-hop – because rock music majorly sucks! The rappers are the only ones talking about money, hos and clothes! “In my day,” I listened to plenty of white rock – but it either kicked ass or it had a sense of humor. Morrissey, Liz Phair, the Pixies – whiny yes, but hilarious! L7 – two-chord metal, and a singer who threw used tampons at the audience – kickass, gross and hilarious! And the various hair bands I didn’t discover until college (thanks, Razzy) – they’re not whining about their girlfriends who went to art school, they’re chronicling their epic battles with Mr. Brownstone, livin’ on a prayer and rockin’ bitches like hurricanes! With bands like those on the “Wild Young Things” tour, if I had a kid I’d give him a Marilyn Manson playlist and a BB gun before I let him spend my money on the Plain White T’s.
[RAZZY EDIT: I listened to "Hey There Delilah" while I was looking for pictures of the Plain White T's for LL Cool Jew's entry, and it makes me want to punch wildly at the air and hope that somehow one blow miraculously connects with the simpering little bitch of a pussy-whipped, unemployed emo tool singing this asinine song.]
[RAZZY ASIDE DIRECTED SPECIFICALLY AT LL COOL JEW: While these dumb kids are all busy waxing their happy trails to the Plain White T's, we'll be listening to some real music, or should I say REAL TALK? See, girl. NINE DAYS UNTIL WE SEE KELLS LIVE ON LONG ISLAND! WOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!]
Labels: aging, Daily Douchebag, destroy all children, LL Cool Jew, retard rage, small penises
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