Thursday, November 01, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Rev. Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church
DOB: November 13, 1929 (hey, Fred, like me, is a Scorpio!)
Occupation: disbarred civil rights attorney (yes, you read that right...civil rights attorney), gay bashers, funeral disruptors, and general all-around haters
Hometown: Meridian, Mississippi
Current residence: Wherever there are gays being tolerated and/or American servicemen being buried, or Topeka, Kansas
Douchebaggery: Not content with their original infamous "God Hates Fags" campaign, Rev. Phelps and his congregation (a handful of crazies comprised mostly of his family members) got tired of just picketing funerals of gay folks who died of hate crimes or AIDS and decided to expand their "ministry" to the funerals of American servicemen killed in the line of duty. Because when I think "war in Iraq," the first thing that pops into my head regarding the assignment of blame is "fags." I guess Fred Phelps hates gay people SO much that basically, everything is their fault. The war in Iraq, the Indian Ocean tsunamis of 2004, Hurricane Katrina, and September 11th can all be attributed to the tolerated presence of the loathsome queers that Fred Phelps hates so much. Therefore, Fred Phelps asked himself, "What would Jesus do?" and came to the conclusion that Jesus would strive to be the biggest asshole imaginable.
For starters, Jesus gave Fred a special Bible in which Isaiah 1:9 reads "No fags in heaven" instead of "Except the LORD of hosts had left unto us a very small remnant, we should have been as Sodom, [and] we should have been like unto Gomorrah." Fred's paraphrasing of this cumbersome text from the King James Bible is a good idea from a marketing standpoint. "No fags in Heaven" has much the same sort of brief, snappy cache that the "No cats in America" song from An American Tale had. There are no cats in America, and the streets are made of cheese! Sadly, like Fievel when he found out that there were indeed cats in America and the streets were not constructed from delicious dairy products, the folks who fall for Fred's "No fags in Heaven" BS might just be disappointed to find that one or two gays wound up on God's good side in spite of their equaling anal sex equaling skull-and-crossbones.
And everyone knows that Jesus is a Buckeyes fan. Go fuck each other in the ass, you Michigan fags!
I'm also pretty sure that Jesus would have sent his granddaughter into the morally righteous fray with her awesome signage:
And surely Jesus, peacenik that he was, would have protested the war by saying something about the "Colorado Taliban" (whatever that is, but last I checked bitches in Denver were still burqa-free and not answering to mullahs or whatever) and tying on a yellow ribbon for our "fag troops." Boy, I'm going to think twice about the fate of the troops overseas before I lick another snatch.
Anyway, I am a Christian myself, but I don't subscribe to Fred's blame-it-all-on-the-gays-aka-fags theory or his means of practicing it. For one thing, I assume that anyone who hates gays SO much for no apparent reason is actually a homo themselves, and Fred Phelps doth "protest" a bit too much. I'm pretty sure his entire ministry is based on deep self-loathing of his own innate faggotry, and Fred would be a lot happier if he'd just lay off the invective and get buggered. And while people argue a lot about the kind of person Jesus was, I'm pretty sure he wasn't a hater asshole who crashed funerals just to ram the point home (so to speak) that he hates him some hommasekshuls. Because he's NOT gay! Not gay at all!
Apparently a court in Baltimore, Maryland decided that crashing funerals like those of 20-year-old Lance Corporal Matthew Snyder (killed in action in Iraq in 2006) was pretty fucking tacky, to the tune of $10.9 million. Granted, this probably will get thrown out on appeal because per the Bill of Rights, I'm pretty sure that Fred and his shallow gene pool of knuckle-dragging assholes can make offensive signs and display them wherever, but in the meantime, it's nice to see some douchebags be held accountable just for being douchebags. These assholes are embarrassments to Christians everywhere. I would have showed up with a sign saying "Hypocritical hatemongers stuck with massive punitive damages, God laughs," but that wouldn't fit on a normal-sized piece of posterboard. Oh well.
P.S. Fred Phelps is gay. GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY!
Labels: assholes, crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, Dear God, media whores, vulgar display of faggotry
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p to the s.
i've got deep dirt on the Rev.
Lest you forget I'm from the Top-City myself.
i've got deep dirt on the Rev.
Lest you forget I'm from the Top-City myself.
# posted by 
: 11/01/2007 4:51 PM
: 11/01/2007 4:51 PM
These guys are total sick wack-jobs! Having said that is there any way you could have a standing "daily douchebag" applied to President Bush. I just feel you might be wasting your writing talents on coming up with a new douchebags everyday when numero uno is always there. Surely you could find a new reason for the award every morning. On a daily basis for almost a full 7 years we the people of this nation have been subjected to extreme douchebaggery. Bush has always been very adept at surrounding himself with people ( he might call them "folks" ) that tend to really bring out his douchebaggery. Think about it...Cheney, Rummy, Ashcroft, Gonzalez, Rove, Hughes, Meirs, Bolton, Card, Libby, Armitage, Mehlman, and don't forget Condi. Seriously a lifetime achievement award is in order.
# posted by : 11/01/2007 7:10 PM
: 11/01/2007 7:10 PM
I read about this guy & his congregation just this morning and it took me about a half hour and two cups of tea before I decided it wouldn't be a very progressive idea to find the lot of them and shove their heads up their own asses. But I still want to.
I'm betting that the recent ruling will not get overturned on appeal. Even though the 1st Amendment allows Freedom of Speach - this case is not so much a question of what is being said - but where.
While the Supreme Court has ruled a number of times that Hate Speach (like the idiot Phelps expounds) is protected under the constitution - such speach generally must be from public areas. There is a general consensus that speach in private areas does not offer the same protections.
So - if the morons protesting were - outside of the cemetary - and not disturbing a private moment - then it would likely be protected. If however, protestors are invading a private space - then it is very probable that it would not be protected speach.
Bottom line - I think the jury was right - and I hope this doesn't get overturned.
Also - Razzy - love the site and the blog. I read it EVERY day!
-Xephyer
While the Supreme Court has ruled a number of times that Hate Speach (like the idiot Phelps expounds) is protected under the constitution - such speach generally must be from public areas. There is a general consensus that speach in private areas does not offer the same protections.
So - if the morons protesting were - outside of the cemetary - and not disturbing a private moment - then it would likely be protected. If however, protestors are invading a private space - then it is very probable that it would not be protected speach.
Bottom line - I think the jury was right - and I hope this doesn't get overturned.
Also - Razzy - love the site and the blog. I read it EVERY day!
-Xephyer
# posted by : 11/02/2007 10:39 AM
: 11/02/2007 10:39 AM
Hopefully this will not be overturned on appeal, because now the guy is asking for the actual church since the Phelps don't have the money to pay! That would be a dream come true for those of us that have to drive by there every day.
# posted by : 11/02/2007 2:14 PM
: 11/02/2007 2:14 PM
HEY, I just blogged about this too!
But your mastery of the English language to your expressive advantage has become my eventual goal.
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But your mastery of the English language to your expressive advantage has become my eventual goal.
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