Thursday, November 08, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Bianca from "America's Next Top Model" Cycle 9
DOB: sometime in 1989
Occupation: wants to be on top, in the sense that she wants to be a "top model" AKA model who only gets work when it has something to do with reality whoring
Hometown: Queens, New York
Current residence: ???
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Now that "America's Next Top Model" is in it's ninth "cycle" and Tyra is more ridiculous and crazy than ever, the producers seem to really be scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of American top model-fodder. Most of the bitches on this show now are kind of pretty, but nothing I would ever expect to see staring back at me from the cover of Vogue. Shit, I wouldn't even expect them to be staring sluttily at me from the hood of a car at some regional auto show. These girls are not really very hot, at least not supermodel hot.
However, there's one fierce bitch who I can't ignore because she's SUCH an unbelievable cunt to be around. Bianca is always rolling her eyes, arguing with people, and generally hating on the girls. Last night, she decided that henceforth she's going to torment Heather, the bitch who has Asperger's syndrome, a form of autism that keeps people from interacting normally with others. I don't blame her, because even though Heather looks like she could be the double of that ghost bitch who crawled out of the TV in The Ring, Tyra can't get enough of it. According to Tyra, Heather's awkward weirdness is "modelly." Meanwhile, Bianca is like, "Aw, HELL, no!" and is making it her life's mission to fuck with Heather. She doesn't give a damn, and has no problems taking shots at her autism. She is brutal. In previous episodes, Bianca has turned her wrath toward Lisa, the anorexic stripper with no boobs, and Ebony, the now-eliminated anorexic with the crazy shoulders. As J-Sexy says (usually with a disapproving "mmm mmm mmm"), "She is just a straight-up HATER." It is so entertaining. I could stare at the expression Bianca makes every time some other bitch wins a challenge instead of her for hours.
The other thing that's hot about Bianca is she is the one girl whose beauty wasn't completely ruined by the shiteous makeover Tyra always gives the models. This year, Tyra entrused Jessica Simpson's fag-along Ken Paves to give the girls his finest Home Shopping Network weaves. As always, she picked the most unflattering cut and colors posibble for most of the girls. She was going to try to make Bianca platinum blonde, but luckily, Bianca's hairstyle, which was akin to a magenta skunk, relied on cheap extensions and overtreating with caustic relaxants and bright red hair dye. This overprocessing damaged her hair to the point where it could not be bleached, or even salvaged. At first, "Mr. Jay" informed Bianca that she would have to shave her head and wear a "medical wig" (which as far as I could tell was a regular wig with a very unsexy name). However, all agreed that Bianca looked sexy bald, and I concur. A Top Model does not wear a fucking "medical wig."
I am totally rooting for Bianca to hate her way to a one hundred THOUSAND dollar contract with Cover Girl cosmetics, a fashion spread in Seventeen magazine, and the opportunity to be running around in Tyra's unbearably annoying shadow for a year. Bianca is America's Next Top Model, sending Jaslene into the obscurity where Adrienne, Yoanna, Eva, Naima, Nicole, Dani, and CariDee are wallowing in!
Labels: America's Next Top Model, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot chicks, overcompensation, sluts, TV
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