Thursday, November 29, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: In Touch Weekly magazine
DOB: ??
Occupation: keeping frivolous bitches (ie: yours truly) up to speed on breaking celebrity gossip
Hometown: Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
Current residence: newsstands everywhere
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Here at RAZZY.org, we're all about printing totally unsubstantiated, insufficiently researched, one-sided blowhard opinions and rumors. We--and by "we" I mean "I"--pride ourselves on our poor fact-checking and revel in the fact that as everything here is entirely our own opinion and does not purport to be a news report, we can write whatever the hell we want. The useless bullshit business is a great one to be in.
Anyway, that's why I have to recognize In Touch Weekly for doing the same thing this week. They not only published the above report detailing how the legendary Ms. Britney Spears is knocked up with J.R. Rotem's bastard, but that she's been emailing the ultrasound pics around to her friends (Brit-Brit knows how to use email? GET OUT) and is really excited about being three times a negligent mommy. I don't know why I'd be so excited about the prospect of having this stank guido's love child, but whatever. Seriously, K-Fed looks like Adonis in comparison to this pig-eyed, Dumbo-eared asshole. He's wearing a PAGER clipped to his pants, for God's sake! Is it 1997 again or something? A PAGER!
J.R. Rotem reminds me of something, and it's not my jeep, sound, car, or bank account. At best, he's reminiscent of some dude who should be featured on guidofistpump.com, and at worst he invokes memories of that dude who got caught fucking the 92-year-old woman's corpse in New Jersey about a month ago. I bet that his house is filled with taped-up pictures of bitches in bikinis ripped out of FHM. One time long ago in Tacoma I slept with a dude who had scantily clad bitches all over his bathroom walls, as well as a stack of men's mags and Victoria's Secret catalogs next to the toilet. I was amused, as well as impressed at his lack of shyness about making his guest bathroom into a shameless shrine to beating off. He was the sort of pothead, slightly hippiefied type of guido (lesbish Celtic armband tat on his bulging bicep, hemp fimo-bead necklace, just a smidge of gel in the hair) you find in the P-N-Dub, but then he moved to Florida, so I'm sure it was only a matter of time before he embraced the hair grease, the gold chains, the too-small wife beater, and a pair of Oakleys. Can I get a fist pump?
Anyway, apparently J.R. Rotem does have some shame, unlike the guido-in-training dude I banged all those years back. He is summarily denouncing that he ever confirmed Brit's pregnancy to In Touch, while Britney's people are not only saying that this is a lie, but they are planning to sue. That's no fun. However, I give props to In Touch for not really caring whether or not Brit is knocked up with a baby or just developing an abdominal mass of rancid Frappuccino and partially digested grilled "stuft" burritoes from Taco Bell. Either way, there's just one thing that can describe it: NAST! Props to In Touch for speculating and portraying that speculation as fact. Way to keep my kiosk exciting, at least on a day when the sublime awesomeness known as the New York Post has some boring headline about the Broadway stagehand strike ending (SO don't care.) Keep printing those fabricated stories, In Touch!
Labels: Britney Spears, celebrities, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, gross, media whores, oh the horror
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