Monday, November 26, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Ingrid Marie Rivera
DOB: October 8, 1983
Occupation: former Miss Mundo de Puerto Rico and Miss Caribbean in the Miss World pageant, current Miss Puerto Rico in the Miss Universe pageant, and newly crowned Razzy.org Miss Hardcore Pageant Bitch
Hometown: Luquillo, Puerto Rico
Current residence: San Juan, Puerto Rico
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Yesterday, Ingrid beat 29 other bitches to take the crown of Miss Puerto Rico and win a trip to the Miss Universe pageant in Nha Trang, Vietnam. While I normally could give a shit about what goes on with pageant bitches unless they are getting coked up and licking snatch, falling on their asses to the tune of Sean Paul's "Give It Up to Me," and otherwise embarrassing themselves during competition, or confusing "retrospect" with "respect," I have to step back and take a look at the odds Ingrid overcame and give the bitch her due.
Apparently, the competition this year for the title of Miss Puerto Rico was so fierce that some contestants decided to resort to dirty tricks. One of these hookers fancied herself Medea, and decided to poison Ingrid's evening gowns and makeup. Fortunately, Ingrid did not catch fire when she threw on the tainted garments and MAC Studio Fix, although she did break out in hives. At first, the pageant people thought she was having an allergic reaction, but after multiple outfit changes all resulting in exacerbated symptoms, it was clear that she was the victim of sabotage. Unlike Medea, this malevolent cheater laid low after spiking Ingrid's clothes and face pancake with pepper spray rather than riding away in a chariot pulled by flying dragons, and thus the powers that govern the Miss Puerto Rico contest are on the hunt for the culprit.
In spite of the sabotage, however, Ingrid said "fuck you" to all the haters and proceeded to win the damn crown! I knew these pageant bitches were serious, but that is no joke. Once, in high school, my friend G-Boner and I sprayed some pepper spray into the air and walked through it, because we wanted to see exactly how painful it was, and being
The Miss Puerto Rico pageant officials are conducting an investigation, and woe betide the guilty person. I believe that this pageant is a part of Donald Trump's Miss Universe organization, and I would hate to be the sorry excuse for a Miss Puerto Rico wannabe who has to face the wrath of the Donald. He's probably already selecting the choicest juvenile insults for the inevitable appearance on Larry King where he will detail how he plans to summarily ruin this hooker's life. When he booted Miss Nevada from the Miss USA pageant last year for being a drunk exhibitionist, he called her disgusting and depraved. The fate of hookers--excepting Tara Conner, who got to go to rehab and star on a MTV reality show--who cast aspersions on the good name of Miss Universe is generally grave. Whoever poisoned Ingrid's clothes and makeup can expect a lot more miserable bullshit than merely coping with the sting of losing. They should have watched that "Melrose Place" episode where Dr. Michael Mancini was judging a pageant, and slept with Denise Richards (one of the contestants) because Michael Mancini was a total slave to his cock. It was a damn miracle that man could actually practice medicine competently, since he spent 90% of his time either having ill-advised sex with crazy women or plotting how to drive those crazy women even crazier. I don't remember exactly what happened, but Denise Richard's mother tried to extort him after he boned her, Michael realized that he'd been set up, and then Denise lost the pageant anyway (I think the hotness known as Dr. Peter Burns intervened). Denise was lucky Michael didn't try to have her lobotomized or go to elaborate lengths to make her think she was schizophrenic like he did with Dr. Kimberly Shaw. The moral of the story here is that cheating in beauty pageants is a dangerous game, and one in which the cheaters rarely, if ever, prosper. So next year, it would be in bitches' best interests to keep the Miss Puerto Rico pageant clean.
Labels: beauty queens, comeuppance, crime and punishment, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot chicks, sluts
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