Monday, November 12, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Team Britney
DOB: ???
Occupation: staging the most worthwhile, important, astonishingly courageous protests of all time
Hometown: ???
Current residence: Hollywood Walk of Fame circa the "Britney Spears" star, Los Angeles, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: These yokels are my new heroes. They might look like friendlier, poly-blend Jay Jacobs shirt-wearing versions of the mutant cannibals from The Hills Have Eyes, but they are out there--rain or shine--delivering their brave message of hope that some justice will be done for the mother of the year, the legendary Ms. Britney Spears. This is an epic struggle for all we hold dear as Americans: namely, the right to pop out a couple of brats in quick succession so that you can utilize them as cigarette AKA "lollipop" runners, hostages in high-speed red-light-running car chases with the paparazzi, and two great reasons to create a media circus at Los Angeles family court. It's the sacred institution of motherhood, y'all! Team Britney appreciates how seriously Brit-Brit takes her maternal responsibilities, and they're here to stop the gross injustices being unfairly committed against her by the evil, pro-Federline court system.
I mean, so what if, on the same night that these dedicated activists took to the street to right the wrongs in Britney's custody battle, Britney failed a drug test? It was a false positive! I'm sure she ate a poppyseed bagel or something the day of the test...everyone knows that shit can fuck up a piss test. It's not like that "I Got Five on It" song where one of the Luniz relates the tale of a knowingly failed drug test: "I got to take a whiz test to my PO, I know I failed, cuz I done smoked major weed, bro." In Brit's case, it was obviously a BIG MISTAKE! Similarly, all of her driving-related debacles--from traffic violations to hit-and-runs--aren't her fault. Surely she would be a better driver if she didn't have the paparazzi in her face every minute. Granted, she wouldn't have to deal with that if she didn't get on the phone with X17 or whatever to give them a heads up every time she goes on a Starbucks run, but STILL. None of this shit is Britney's fault. She's been Ms. American Dream since she was 17, don't matter if she step on the scene or sneak away to the Philippines...they're still going to put her derriere in a magazine. Well, that's what the lyrics to her magnum opus of the "woe is me"-themed song, "Piece of Me," state anyway. She's just Ms. Bad Media Karma coping with another day and another drama, simply because she don't see no harm in workin' and bein' a mama. I'm not certain Brit-Brit understands that "karma" implies you've somehow earned such media treatment by racking up a history of bad acts yourself, but her point gets through. How can you blame a hard-working, struggling, toiling single mom for being a victim of circumstance?
That's why I applaud these brave protestors for forgoing their jobs (and thus jeopardizing lucrative careers at establishments such as TGIFriday's, Wal-Mart, and Circuit City) to brave the frigid Hollywood weather to stand against the unjust and shabby disparaging of Britney's parenting skills, which along with her weave-choosing and manicure-maintaining skills, are beyond reproach. Children may be starving, the AIDS epidemic may be out of control, Chad and Sudan may be getting their genocide on, and the war in Iraq may be laying the groundwork for Armageddon, but those are all issues Team Britney can live with. However, don't expect them to just sit idly by when her ability to expose SPF and JJ to massive clouds of secondhand Marb Light and meth smoke is being threatened! These are true activists with a cause worth fighting for. Go wash down a 7-Layer Burrito with a venti caramel Frappuccino to show your solidarity!
Labels: Britney Spears, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, drugs, intentional buffoonery, media whores, PWT
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