Friday, November 02, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Whoever writes Britney Spears songs
Occupation: should be POET LAUREATES!!!!!
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Another Britney Spears Friday dawns bright and beautiful! TGIBSF! And to celebrate, I'm totally listening to Blackout, which I'm not ashamed to say I actually BOUGHT. I paid $11.99 for it! I probably should have just gotten it illegally, but I'm too lazy to sift through P2P networks for a decent copy, and I like the idea that Britney is currently sucking down her cut of my iTunes profits in the form of a venti caramel Frap.
Anyway, I LOVE Blackout. Here's a quick rundown:
"Break the Ice": From what I can tell, this is a tale about how Britney simultaneously dispels the awkwardness between herself and the random stranger she's hooking up with while dealing with his erection problems. I'm serious. After a lot of talk about "rising to the occasion," Brit threatens her paramour: "I'm-a hit defrost on you." Translation: let's smoke some crystal, y'all!
"Everybody": Imagine if Britney huffed some glue with her favorite country cousins, grabbed a Eurhythmics "Sweet Dreams" CD, and tried to use Garage Band to make a dance jam about grinding. If Puyallup had clubs, this is what would be the DJ would be bumping.
"Freakshow": This is basically a summary of Britney's party philosophy. I love it when Brit-Brit appropriates rappish-sounding language into her songs. "Christian hot, Bugatti whips, hope the new designer fits," she notes. And when it doesn't, Brit-Brit will grab a hideous print mumu from her local Lane Bryant, glue in some hideous tracks, and hit the town. Methinks the VIP section at Hyde is going to need a delousing tomorrow.
"Get Back": This song starts with "The One and Only...BRITNEY!" AKA, the legendary Ms. Britney Spears! We know! "Eyes on my waist...Feel you better think fast. Got that kind of body make you wanna spend cash." WHAT? Spend cash on a Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem membership or tumescent liposuction, maybe. And speaking as someone who now has to lose the Britney bulge now that Halloween is over, I can't imagine my spare tire is going to make anyone want to spend any cash for anything except some pitying weight loss solutions for me.
"Get Naked (I Got a Plan)": Man, this entire CD involves Danja and Britney making a bunch of gross simulated sex noises that sound like a combination between belching and an asthma attack. I've gotta love any song, though, in which Britney sings, "I'm crazy as a motherfucker, bet on that, man." SO TRUE!
"Gimme More": we all know about this song. "It's Britney, bitch"...need I say more?
"Heaven on Earth": Britney's ode to her fantasy man/soul mate, a man who makes her "fall off the edge of my mind." That's putting it poetically.
"Hot as Ice": "To see your foolishness and fuckery, and handlin' my business, holler if you hear me, can I get a witness?" I don't know how this has anything to do with being "cold as fire" and "hot as ice," but it makes sense as a way of handling one's business in the face of foolishness and fuckery.
"Ooh Ooh Baby": "I can feel you deep inside"...EWWW! The idea of Britney feeling anything deep inside is pretty nast. I imagine her vadge looks like the inside of an old man's ear.
"Perfect Lover": Another gross one. "Every time you touch me there..." Brit croons. She omits the next logical verse, which is, "You get a killer case of warts." Even worse, she includes the musical money shot: "You're fillin' me up!" YUCK!
"Piece of Me": a tirade about the intrusions of the paparazzi on her arm. Includes classic lines such as "Don't matter if step on the scene or sneak away to the Philippines, they still gonna put pictures of my derriere in a magazine." Talk about a bunch of spin doctors. They replaced "hairless snatch" with "derriere" and "gas station bathroom and Starbucks" with "step on the scene" and "Philippines." This song has convinced me that Britney's public image is not so much because she's a crazy, cracked-out redneck lunatic with a meth problem and the spending habits of some trailer park welfare mama who just won the lottery, but that she's just misunderstood on account of being "Miss Bad Media Karma" provoked because the paparazzi are "hopin' I'll resort to some havoc" and "end up settlin' in court." Don't people usually settle OUT of court? Isn't the whole point of settling to avoid going to court? Britney's songwriters are not just expert reputation managers; they are legal geniuses, as well.
"Radar": Something about how she likes a man with "the Midas touch." Like K-Fed. Riiiiiight.
"Toy Soldier": No, it's not a remake of Martika's classic, although that would rule too.
Oh man, Blackout is such a hot piece of trash, it's truly worthy of the artist performing it. LOVE IT. Go get it and keep Brit-Brit stank tits-deep in frappucinos and Marb lights!
Labels: Britney Spears, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, I LOVE IT, intentional buffoonery, PWT, sluts
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