RazzyBlog: "Endangered" means the job isn't finished

Friday, November 09, 2007

"Endangered" means the job isn't finished

I am currently so fucking sick that I feel like I should be living in those leper caves from Ben-Hur. Fortunately I'm not showing any symptoms of leprosy--or "Hansen's disease" as it's called now to mitigate the social stigma of "leprosy"--but I nonetheless feel like ass and I wouldn't get pissed if Jesus showed up to offer me some water or a quick cure. In the absence of my Lord and Savior, I am turning instead to DayQuil, but it only makes me feel marginally less shitty and also makes me slightly crazed. I attribute both illness and craziness to the fact that last night, I didn't feel like drinking at all. I had three beers in my fridge and I just sneered at them as I wolfed down my chicken noodle soup, drank some water, and went to bed at 10.

Anyway, to help facilitate my recovery, LL Cool Jew took over blogging responsibilities from me for today, thus allowing me to sleep in (until 7:30---so luxurious!). However, when I read her thing about Hayden Panettiere, I couldn't really stay completely silent today. The whole thing reminded me of how annoyed I get with endangered species. I mean, yeah, okay, it sucks if animals go extinct, but some endangered species are total assholes. Polar bears will straight maul and eat your ass to thank you for your conservation efforts. Talk about a bunch of fucking ingrates! If that's the attitude they're going to have, then I say fuck them! They'd make nice rugs for Lil' Kim to skankily crouch on.

Similarly, dolphins, who are ubiquitous enough in nature and at trashy resorts to be called "water dogs" by Chance from "I Love New York" while he tried to beat them away from New York's weave during their visit to "Playacar," Mexico, are more tourist attractions than anything else. I sincerely doubt that the odd Japanese fisherman spearing one with a long pole to make what is undoubtedly a delicious piece of cetacean sashimi is threatening their existence. Also, if my experience swimming with endangered sea creatures is any indication, they'd take a fucking bite out of your chunks at the first opportunity.

A couple years ago, LL Cool Jew, J-Sexy, Neo, and myself went to Belize for vacation. Belize has the second largest barrier reef in the world, so of course we went snorkeling to check out the local sea life. We had purchased underwater cameras to document the experience. Well, there were these turtles there that were endangered, and the snorkeling guide told us to avoid them. I had been told the same thing about the endangered turtles when I went scuba diving in Hawaii some years before, but those turtles were super friendly, and even if you tried to avoid them, they would swim up by you and you could pet them. I figured that when this turtle swam up to me in Belize, he just wanted to mug for the camera:

I should have known by that malevolent, determined expression on this turtle's face that he was actually in attack mode. He continued to swim at me aggressively, and I decided to turn tail and start swimming away. And do you know what that endangered asshole did? HE BIT ME IN THE ASS!

These unflattering pictures of me don't really do the bite justice. Within two days, I had a giant bruise that covered the whole of my ass cheek. It looked like I had suffered a serious spanking by a right-handed dominatrix. The guy running the snorkel boat told me I was lucky I hadn't lost a chunk of my ass. Apparently a tourist the week before had a piece taken out of his leg by one of these asshole turtles and had to be airlifted to a hospital for massive stitching and a blood transfusion. The reason for avoiding the turtles is not only their endangered status, but because they're haters who bite people and severely injure them for no good reason except to ruin some tropical vacations. The only reason I manage to save my (gorgeous) fat ass is that when the turtle bit down, I kicked it hard in the neck and it let go, enabling me to swim away. Luckily I could swim before I could ride a bike, and thus could outstrip that stupid asshole before he could get another beakful of my fine posterior.

No wonder they're endangered. They're fucking assholes! I was just swimming around, looking at the pretty fish and coral and whatnot, and this turtle bites me for taking its fucking picture. It's hard to feel bad about a species being threatened when they themselves are biting unwitting swimmers' asses unprovoked. I say chop that bitch up and stew it with some Japanese dolphin. Man, I bet that would make for a tasty soup. Good riddance, you bastard ass-biters.

Labels: assholes, intentional buffoonery, sexy delicious animals