Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Fat Girl with a Lisp by Jersey Girl
This is a story about my boyfriend, Kodiak, and FatGirl with a Lisp, his former "work girlfriend," (a name she gave herself – he never actually called her that).
Kodiak and I started dating about nine months ago, and it was love at first sight. He's funny, handsome, and kind. Plus, we totally have the best sex ever (I hit that shit the first night we ever met, what what!).
However, there was always this one small (or should I say fat) problem looming in the background - FatGirl with a Lisp.
FatGirl, Kodiak and I all worked at America's Favorite News channel. I worked for Geraldo (forever the hotness), while FatGirl and Kodiak worked on whatever other show. All in all, they worked together for about two years and developed a friendship as most people do when working side-by-side with someone for 10+ hours a day.
There are many things I don't like about FatGirl, and it's difficult to even know where to begin. First of all, just from looking at her, I knew I could never trust her. Have you ever met a girl, and you just see something in her eyes, or just get a bad feeling – and you know you can never trust them. This was the immediate, overwhelming feeling I got upon first laying eyes on FatGirl.
Another huge fault of FatGirl was that she actually spoke with a lisp (hence the full name FatGirl with a Lisp). Now, I really don't want to be mean, but I hate this bitch, so I'm going to be. Who has a lisp past the age of seven? Said lisp may have been attributed to the fact that for a brief period she had a tongue-ring, which was completely revolting-looking on her fat tongue. But even after taking the tongue-ring out, she still had the lisp. And it's not like she's poor or unable to get access to a speech therapist - her father is a multi-millionaire, who also ran for Governor of Massachusetts in 1982. He didn't win - this may have something to do with the fact that he lied about medals he received from serving in Vietnam, in addition to lying about his educational background. Mitt Romney won that year, despite the fact that FatGirl's father tried to dissuade the public from voting for him by coining him "Mr. Mormon." Good one, FatGirl’s Father!
Oh, and then there's the fact that SHE'S FAT! Okay - I know this is mean. But, trust, this chick has the weirdest body you've ever seen. Skinny chicken legs, fat stomach complemented by humongous boobs (but not nice, big boobs - they just look like two extensions of her fat stomach) and a double chin. Picture that with a tongue-ring and a lisp - GROSS.
And did I mention the fact that she sweats my boyfriend?
Kodiak and FatGirl never hooked up - she had a boyfriend when they met, and that boyfriend is to become her husband this Saturday. So she and Kodiak were just “work friends.” At least this is what I thought, until I started dating Kodiak, and noticed that she would often far surpass the realm of normal for a "work friend."
ITEM: Late night phone calls (she actually once called him at 1:30 am on a Saturday night when we were together)
ITEM: Phone calls every single weekend
ITEM: Trying to only ever set him up with other fat girls
ITEM: Gushing, literally gushing about him to anyone who would listen (this includes her mother - make note of this for future).
ITEM: She would always refer to herself as "Kodiak's Work Girlfriend," a term that may seem harmless enough - if it's someone you trust. But I don't, so therefore it's not.
These deluded displays of affection continued even after Kodiak and I started dating. I threw Kodiak a birthday party, and of course FatGirl came. Despite the fact that there were plenty of people her age in attendance, she spent the entire evening strictly speaking to Kodiak's family or Kodiak himself. This was the first time I had met Kodiak's parents - and FatGirl was so up in their grill that she definitely spent about 95% more time talking to them than I did. She was literally cock-blocking me from his family. Bitch.
But, the most egregious and backhanded display of her feelings for Kodiak came in the form of snub. Not to Kodiak, she would never dare, but to me. One day her wedding invitation appeared in Kodiak’s mailbox. It read something like this:
Mr. Kodiak
1 Hipster Place
Brooklyn, NY 11211
Notice anything about this invitation? Look very closely.
It doesn't say "& Guest" or "& Ms. Jersey Girl." She didn't invite me. WHAT A BITCH!
Kodiak and I were dumbfounded. Could it really be that she sweats him so much that she would stoop so low as to not invite me to her wedding? Kodiak was convinced that it must be a mistake or an oversight. He sometimes has such a sweet innocence about him, always wanting to believe the best in people. Until then, he had furiously rebuffed my ideas that FatGirl had a thing for him. But at this moment, I saw a glimmer in his eye - it was the first time he started to believe that maybe I just might be onto something.
So, like a good boyfriend, Kodiak called up FatGirl and asked her what the fuck was up with not inviting his woman. She gave him some LAME excuse about how she couldn't "technically" invite me because she had exceeded the number of guests at the reception hall, but that "of course I was invited!" Yeah, right. Fucking bitch.
Kodiak and I decided that there was no way in hell we were going to attend this wedding. Shit, I wasn't even invited! Then we found out that we actually had a family function to attend the very same night as the wedding - saved! So, Kodiak called up FatGirl, and told her that we had a family function that we could not get out of. Her response: "So you're picking Jersey Girl over me?" Kodiak said she was kidding. I don’t think she was.
This should be where the story ends. Kodiak and FatGirl never speak again, and he and I live happily ever after. However, the wrath of FatGirl continued to brew, as she refused to accept the fact that her former work boyfriend was not going to see her in her wedding dress (And what? Think to himself, "Damn! This is what I passed up! A fat bride!).
The next day, Kodiak receives an email:
Kodiak - please don't tell me you aren't coming to FatGirl's wedding? Who will I dance with? This can't be!! Of all the friends we are inviting, you must come - MUST COME. If there is something going on that I don't know about do let me know but otherwise I will expect to see you and Jersey Girl on the l0th.
best ever - FatGirl's Mom
Yes, you read that correctly - FatGirl's MOM wrote Kodiak an email, begging him to come to her daughter's wedding. I mean, is this woman for real? Is her daughter for real? Who in their right mind solicits the help of her or his mother in a situation like this? And if so, what mother would actually agree to email the former "work boyfriend." Don’t the two of them have anything better to do, like, I don't know, PLAN A WEDDING, than try to convince some guy to show up at it? And furthermore, this action just so clearly and unequivocally confirms my suspicions that FatGirl definitely does in fact have a thing for my boyfriend. Like he would ever hook up with a fat girl! It also confirms that FatGirl is certifiably insane.
This post is getting long, and I wish that the story could end here. I wish I could tell you that Kodiak wrote back and reiterated the fact that we had a family function to attend, and it all ended amicably. But FatGirl's mom is terribly persistent. And she replied to Kodiak's email by saying something like this:
But Kodiak, you must come to the wedding! We will miss you so much! This doesn't have to do anything with Unimportant Guy, does it?
Please, ladies and gentlemen, be seated for this one. Unimportant Guy is someone who I briefly dated (like two or three dates) about two months before I met Kodiak. FatGirl and Kodiak used to work with him, and while we were dating, I made the mistake of telling FatGirl. She, of course, ran back to Kodiak and told him, EVEN THOUGH I ASKED HER NOT TO. She clearly does not know about the ethic of girl code, but I suppose a person such as herself wouldn’t. She obviously was willing to take whatever measures necessary to break me and Kodiak up, so she could have him all to herself (even though she was engaged. Sooo messed up).
Since FatGirl apparently doesn't have any real friends, she invited a bunch of old work colleague to fill in the "friends tables" at the wedding. And, if Kodiak and I were to attend, we'd most likely be sitting at a table with Unimportant Guy. Even though we only dated for the hottest of seconds, it would still be a somewhat awkward situation, but one that we most likely could have gotten through relatively painlessly. But, what I'm assuming happened is that FatGirl smelled our lie, and immediately concluded that the reasoning behind that was Unimportant Guy (even though it's really just that I don't like her).
And then she told her mother.
Really? Really? Did FatGirl really tell her mother about my sexual past? Did she really convince herself that the reason we weren't attending her wedding is because Unimportant Guy would be there? Did she really decide to have her mother bring it up in an email to Kodiak? Finally, did her mother really, really actually send that email, asking for personal details about Kodiak's love life, and actually expect for him to engage in an email exchange about his feelings towards another man who slept with his girlfriend?
In conclusion, I have a few thoughts:
1. FUCK FatGirl and her fat mother
2. I am so freaking happy that we're not going to this wedding.
3. If I ever see FatGirl I'm gonna punch her in her fat face and then say, "You suck" (with a lisp). The End.
Kodiak and I started dating about nine months ago, and it was love at first sight. He's funny, handsome, and kind. Plus, we totally have the best sex ever (I hit that shit the first night we ever met, what what!).
However, there was always this one small (or should I say fat) problem looming in the background - FatGirl with a Lisp.
FatGirl, Kodiak and I all worked at America's Favorite News channel. I worked for Geraldo (forever the hotness), while FatGirl and Kodiak worked on whatever other show. All in all, they worked together for about two years and developed a friendship as most people do when working side-by-side with someone for 10+ hours a day.
There are many things I don't like about FatGirl, and it's difficult to even know where to begin. First of all, just from looking at her, I knew I could never trust her. Have you ever met a girl, and you just see something in her eyes, or just get a bad feeling – and you know you can never trust them. This was the immediate, overwhelming feeling I got upon first laying eyes on FatGirl.
Another huge fault of FatGirl was that she actually spoke with a lisp (hence the full name FatGirl with a Lisp). Now, I really don't want to be mean, but I hate this bitch, so I'm going to be. Who has a lisp past the age of seven? Said lisp may have been attributed to the fact that for a brief period she had a tongue-ring, which was completely revolting-looking on her fat tongue. But even after taking the tongue-ring out, she still had the lisp. And it's not like she's poor or unable to get access to a speech therapist - her father is a multi-millionaire, who also ran for Governor of Massachusetts in 1982. He didn't win - this may have something to do with the fact that he lied about medals he received from serving in Vietnam, in addition to lying about his educational background. Mitt Romney won that year, despite the fact that FatGirl's father tried to dissuade the public from voting for him by coining him "Mr. Mormon." Good one, FatGirl’s Father!
Oh, and then there's the fact that SHE'S FAT! Okay - I know this is mean. But, trust, this chick has the weirdest body you've ever seen. Skinny chicken legs, fat stomach complemented by humongous boobs (but not nice, big boobs - they just look like two extensions of her fat stomach) and a double chin. Picture that with a tongue-ring and a lisp - GROSS.
And did I mention the fact that she sweats my boyfriend?
Kodiak and FatGirl never hooked up - she had a boyfriend when they met, and that boyfriend is to become her husband this Saturday. So she and Kodiak were just “work friends.” At least this is what I thought, until I started dating Kodiak, and noticed that she would often far surpass the realm of normal for a "work friend."
ITEM: Late night phone calls (she actually once called him at 1:30 am on a Saturday night when we were together)
ITEM: Phone calls every single weekend
ITEM: Trying to only ever set him up with other fat girls
ITEM: Gushing, literally gushing about him to anyone who would listen (this includes her mother - make note of this for future).
ITEM: She would always refer to herself as "Kodiak's Work Girlfriend," a term that may seem harmless enough - if it's someone you trust. But I don't, so therefore it's not.
These deluded displays of affection continued even after Kodiak and I started dating. I threw Kodiak a birthday party, and of course FatGirl came. Despite the fact that there were plenty of people her age in attendance, she spent the entire evening strictly speaking to Kodiak's family or Kodiak himself. This was the first time I had met Kodiak's parents - and FatGirl was so up in their grill that she definitely spent about 95% more time talking to them than I did. She was literally cock-blocking me from his family. Bitch.
But, the most egregious and backhanded display of her feelings for Kodiak came in the form of snub. Not to Kodiak, she would never dare, but to me. One day her wedding invitation appeared in Kodiak’s mailbox. It read something like this:
Mr. Kodiak
1 Hipster Place
Brooklyn, NY 11211
Notice anything about this invitation? Look very closely.
It doesn't say "& Guest" or "& Ms. Jersey Girl." She didn't invite me. WHAT A BITCH!
Kodiak and I were dumbfounded. Could it really be that she sweats him so much that she would stoop so low as to not invite me to her wedding? Kodiak was convinced that it must be a mistake or an oversight. He sometimes has such a sweet innocence about him, always wanting to believe the best in people. Until then, he had furiously rebuffed my ideas that FatGirl had a thing for him. But at this moment, I saw a glimmer in his eye - it was the first time he started to believe that maybe I just might be onto something.
So, like a good boyfriend, Kodiak called up FatGirl and asked her what the fuck was up with not inviting his woman. She gave him some LAME excuse about how she couldn't "technically" invite me because she had exceeded the number of guests at the reception hall, but that "of course I was invited!" Yeah, right. Fucking bitch.
Kodiak and I decided that there was no way in hell we were going to attend this wedding. Shit, I wasn't even invited! Then we found out that we actually had a family function to attend the very same night as the wedding - saved! So, Kodiak called up FatGirl, and told her that we had a family function that we could not get out of. Her response: "So you're picking Jersey Girl over me?" Kodiak said she was kidding. I don’t think she was.
This should be where the story ends. Kodiak and FatGirl never speak again, and he and I live happily ever after. However, the wrath of FatGirl continued to brew, as she refused to accept the fact that her former work boyfriend was not going to see her in her wedding dress (And what? Think to himself, "Damn! This is what I passed up! A fat bride!).
The next day, Kodiak receives an email:
Kodiak - please don't tell me you aren't coming to FatGirl's wedding? Who will I dance with? This can't be!! Of all the friends we are inviting, you must come - MUST COME. If there is something going on that I don't know about do let me know but otherwise I will expect to see you and Jersey Girl on the l0th.
best ever - FatGirl's Mom
Yes, you read that correctly - FatGirl's MOM wrote Kodiak an email, begging him to come to her daughter's wedding. I mean, is this woman for real? Is her daughter for real? Who in their right mind solicits the help of her or his mother in a situation like this? And if so, what mother would actually agree to email the former "work boyfriend." Don’t the two of them have anything better to do, like, I don't know, PLAN A WEDDING, than try to convince some guy to show up at it? And furthermore, this action just so clearly and unequivocally confirms my suspicions that FatGirl definitely does in fact have a thing for my boyfriend. Like he would ever hook up with a fat girl! It also confirms that FatGirl is certifiably insane.
This post is getting long, and I wish that the story could end here. I wish I could tell you that Kodiak wrote back and reiterated the fact that we had a family function to attend, and it all ended amicably. But FatGirl's mom is terribly persistent. And she replied to Kodiak's email by saying something like this:
But Kodiak, you must come to the wedding! We will miss you so much! This doesn't have to do anything with Unimportant Guy, does it?
Please, ladies and gentlemen, be seated for this one. Unimportant Guy is someone who I briefly dated (like two or three dates) about two months before I met Kodiak. FatGirl and Kodiak used to work with him, and while we were dating, I made the mistake of telling FatGirl. She, of course, ran back to Kodiak and told him, EVEN THOUGH I ASKED HER NOT TO. She clearly does not know about the ethic of girl code, but I suppose a person such as herself wouldn’t. She obviously was willing to take whatever measures necessary to break me and Kodiak up, so she could have him all to herself (even though she was engaged. Sooo messed up).
Since FatGirl apparently doesn't have any real friends, she invited a bunch of old work colleague to fill in the "friends tables" at the wedding. And, if Kodiak and I were to attend, we'd most likely be sitting at a table with Unimportant Guy. Even though we only dated for the hottest of seconds, it would still be a somewhat awkward situation, but one that we most likely could have gotten through relatively painlessly. But, what I'm assuming happened is that FatGirl smelled our lie, and immediately concluded that the reasoning behind that was Unimportant Guy (even though it's really just that I don't like her).
And then she told her mother.
Really? Really? Did FatGirl really tell her mother about my sexual past? Did she really convince herself that the reason we weren't attending her wedding is because Unimportant Guy would be there? Did she really decide to have her mother bring it up in an email to Kodiak? Finally, did her mother really, really actually send that email, asking for personal details about Kodiak's love life, and actually expect for him to engage in an email exchange about his feelings towards another man who slept with his girlfriend?
In conclusion, I have a few thoughts:
1. FUCK FatGirl and her fat mother
2. I am so freaking happy that we're not going to this wedding.
3. If I ever see FatGirl I'm gonna punch her in her fat face and then say, "You suck" (with a lisp). The End.
Labels: assholes, fat fucks, holy fucking matrimony, JerseyGirl, overcompensation, sluts
Comments:
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JerseyGirl, BigBagel and I LOVED your post! I can totz hear your little voice in it!!!!!!!!! Oh - my god! What a HO!
'"You suck" (with a lisp).' LMAO!! People are looking at me like I'm nuts because I literally have tears rolling down my face I am laughing so hard at this.
# posted by 
: 11/07/2007 10:47 AM
: 11/07/2007 10:47 AM
Lurking for a while, and I should be offended as I am not exactly rocking a size zero.
But:
1-I HATE bitches that troll for other peoples boyfriends
2-I hate passive aggressive bitches
3-I super duper hate passive aggressive bitches that troll for other peoples boyfriends
So yes - she does indeed sound like she "thucks". If you go to the wedding, try to spit on her, then laugh if she flinches
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But:
1-I HATE bitches that troll for other peoples boyfriends
2-I hate passive aggressive bitches
3-I super duper hate passive aggressive bitches that troll for other peoples boyfriends
So yes - she does indeed sound like she "thucks". If you go to the wedding, try to spit on her, then laugh if she flinches
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