Friday, November 16, 2007
Hey dudes: a question
And I really mean "dudes." I have a question for the fellas, but before I can ask it, I need to tell a story which is neither remarkable nor something I'm particularly proud of or excited about sharing. However, it is what compels me to do such a tremendously personal outreach type of query.
I randomly ran into a dude I slept with on the street yesterday. Our sex wasn't particularly remarkable. It wasn't bad, and it wasn't good. He got a blow job, I had an orgasm, and we both have nothing to complain about, even if it wasn't exactly the most mind-blowingly passionate experience of either of our lives. He has a nice penis and is a charming, smart, interesting guy...or WAS, anyway. Apparently, now that we've known one another Biblically, courtesy is a thing of the past between us.
Yesterday when I ran into him, I greeted him casually. It was not shocking that we ran into each other, since we work in the same building. I was under the impression that he was a little weirded out, but we saw each other the other day at a grad school function and everything seemed fine. Apparently, good graces only apply to group situations, because today, when I said a friendly "hey, what's up?" (what's up=used as a greeting rather than an actual question where I expect a detailed response about "what's up"), he wouldn't make eye contact with me, and when he did, the look he gave me can be described only as contemptuous. His expression toward me was so disdainful that I walked away feeling like I'd been punched in the stomach. It was the kind of look I would give to a table full of vegan hippies trying to get people to sign a pro-children anti-Razzy petition. He looked at me with an expression of unadulterated scorn. I was taken aback by his obvious and emphatic quality of his aversion to me.
I can't figure out what I did to deserve this seemingly active dislike. I did write about him on this blog, but I told him before we fucked that I was going to do that, and I even e-mailed him the link after along with an offer to edit or redact anything he was uncomfortable with, on the grounds that I was fond of him and wanted to be respectful. He responded that "it's all good" and he'd see me around. Since he didn't take the opportunity to express his concern or disdain for my blog-mediated sexual braggadocio, I took that to mean that everything is indeed all good. However, he must have SOME kind of problem if his initial reaction to seeing me is to look at me the way people used to look at lepers and Samaritans in Biblical times. Unfortunately, whatever that problem is completely escapes me.
Of course, this is not the first time this has happened to me. I'm a big slut, so obviously I've had guys treat me disrespectfully after I gave it up, but I've always wondered WHY exactly they don't respect me in the morning. It seems silly that a dude will absolve himself from all responsibility involved in the seduction and sex process, and squarely blame me for being so eager to fuck him. Furthermore, why is that something even meriting BLAME? I am grateful to people who are kind enough to fuck me. I think it's nice of them to do, and as a result am friendly and gracious to them afterward. Unless they do something that I think is mean or insulting to me, I have no ill will toward any dude who deigns to stick his dick in my vagina. However, this seems to be a disturbingly common reaction men have to their female partners.
A little secret about me that astute readers will recognize is that I may posture like I'm some kind of big badass who spends all day mocking everything and reveling in my invincibility, but at my core, I'm a highly sensitive poetry-writing lesbian who went to the same college as Sylvia Plath. I have an indomitable spirit in that I refuse to let things like this damage me permanently, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt my feelings rather terribly in the short term. It's not like this dude needs to go out of his way to treat me like some kind of fairy tale princess, but he could at least surmise that it would be mean to treat me like an inferior class of human being because I had the gall to sleep with him. Even loudmouthed, shit-talking, casual sex-having drunks like myself experience pain when they are treated shabbily by someone with no clear cause to do so. I am aware that people see me as intimidating and seemingly very strong, but that makes experiencing emotional pain even more difficult for me, because I don't know how to get help dealing with it and because nobody expects a tough broad like me to be burdened by feelings of self-doubt, loneliness, and inadequacy. So I self-medicate with booze, spit a lot of slut machismo, and convince myself that I don't care, which really means I just repress everything and have consequent unexpected nervous breakdowns when it is most inconvenient for me to do so (ie: when other people are around and I am horribly embarrassed).
Since clearly I need more healthy coping mechanisms, I decided to put the energy going into feeling spurned and hurt by a random honey into figuring out why the hell some guys do this. I think I have a pretty good grasp of what men like in the bedroom and the office (results), but what goes on in their heads elsewhere is an utter mystery to me sometimes. Women do not have the market cornered on being complex and hard to figure out. The psychology of men--particularly when it comes to sexual politics--continues to confound me. Which brings me to my question.
WHY do you dislike women after they fuck you? Not all of you do, but I bet you all UNDERSTAND why it happens. Why does a guy sleep with a woman like me, and get what we all think guys want (sex from a smart, blonde, C-cup-equipped, reasonably fit, if-not-hot-then-at-least-not-ugly chick who can commandingly carry a conversation, drink scotch without vomiting or blacking out, and sucks a mean dick), and then treat that woman like a disposable ho barely meriting acknowledgement.? Am I supposed to pretend I don't like sex and act like I won't have it, and be dishonest with someone I like and respect, and generally act like I am ashamed of the brash and sexual person I am in order to deserve the basic respect a decent person shows a stranger and a colleague? It's not like I'm trying to be this dude's girlfriend, or have been otherwise bothering or stalking him. I haven't been on his jock in any way, so it's not very likely that he's freaked out because we had differing views of the long-term consequences of our having sex. We were both drunk, both presumably mutually attracted, and both horny, and that's it. It's not like I fucked him and started planning our wedding. I haven't communicated with him at all excepting the one e-mail I sent him, to which he responded that things were "all good." So why am I being hated rather than congratulated? Why do guys sometimes act like they hate you because you had the audacity to fuck them? Any insight the fellas can offer on this matter would be appreciated by me, and probably every other girl who has had this happen (in other words, every other girl.) This is why I allow anonymous comments, dudes, so feel free to be brutally honest.
I randomly ran into a dude I slept with on the street yesterday. Our sex wasn't particularly remarkable. It wasn't bad, and it wasn't good. He got a blow job, I had an orgasm, and we both have nothing to complain about, even if it wasn't exactly the most mind-blowingly passionate experience of either of our lives. He has a nice penis and is a charming, smart, interesting guy...or WAS, anyway. Apparently, now that we've known one another Biblically, courtesy is a thing of the past between us.
Yesterday when I ran into him, I greeted him casually. It was not shocking that we ran into each other, since we work in the same building. I was under the impression that he was a little weirded out, but we saw each other the other day at a grad school function and everything seemed fine. Apparently, good graces only apply to group situations, because today, when I said a friendly "hey, what's up?" (what's up=used as a greeting rather than an actual question where I expect a detailed response about "what's up"), he wouldn't make eye contact with me, and when he did, the look he gave me can be described only as contemptuous. His expression toward me was so disdainful that I walked away feeling like I'd been punched in the stomach. It was the kind of look I would give to a table full of vegan hippies trying to get people to sign a pro-children anti-Razzy petition. He looked at me with an expression of unadulterated scorn. I was taken aback by his obvious and emphatic quality of his aversion to me.
I can't figure out what I did to deserve this seemingly active dislike. I did write about him on this blog, but I told him before we fucked that I was going to do that, and I even e-mailed him the link after along with an offer to edit or redact anything he was uncomfortable with, on the grounds that I was fond of him and wanted to be respectful. He responded that "it's all good" and he'd see me around. Since he didn't take the opportunity to express his concern or disdain for my blog-mediated sexual braggadocio, I took that to mean that everything is indeed all good. However, he must have SOME kind of problem if his initial reaction to seeing me is to look at me the way people used to look at lepers and Samaritans in Biblical times. Unfortunately, whatever that problem is completely escapes me.
Of course, this is not the first time this has happened to me. I'm a big slut, so obviously I've had guys treat me disrespectfully after I gave it up, but I've always wondered WHY exactly they don't respect me in the morning. It seems silly that a dude will absolve himself from all responsibility involved in the seduction and sex process, and squarely blame me for being so eager to fuck him. Furthermore, why is that something even meriting BLAME? I am grateful to people who are kind enough to fuck me. I think it's nice of them to do, and as a result am friendly and gracious to them afterward. Unless they do something that I think is mean or insulting to me, I have no ill will toward any dude who deigns to stick his dick in my vagina. However, this seems to be a disturbingly common reaction men have to their female partners.
A little secret about me that astute readers will recognize is that I may posture like I'm some kind of big badass who spends all day mocking everything and reveling in my invincibility, but at my core, I'm a highly sensitive poetry-writing lesbian who went to the same college as Sylvia Plath. I have an indomitable spirit in that I refuse to let things like this damage me permanently, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt my feelings rather terribly in the short term. It's not like this dude needs to go out of his way to treat me like some kind of fairy tale princess, but he could at least surmise that it would be mean to treat me like an inferior class of human being because I had the gall to sleep with him. Even loudmouthed, shit-talking, casual sex-having drunks like myself experience pain when they are treated shabbily by someone with no clear cause to do so. I am aware that people see me as intimidating and seemingly very strong, but that makes experiencing emotional pain even more difficult for me, because I don't know how to get help dealing with it and because nobody expects a tough broad like me to be burdened by feelings of self-doubt, loneliness, and inadequacy. So I self-medicate with booze, spit a lot of slut machismo, and convince myself that I don't care, which really means I just repress everything and have consequent unexpected nervous breakdowns when it is most inconvenient for me to do so (ie: when other people are around and I am horribly embarrassed).
Since clearly I need more healthy coping mechanisms, I decided to put the energy going into feeling spurned and hurt by a random honey into figuring out why the hell some guys do this. I think I have a pretty good grasp of what men like in the bedroom and the office (results), but what goes on in their heads elsewhere is an utter mystery to me sometimes. Women do not have the market cornered on being complex and hard to figure out. The psychology of men--particularly when it comes to sexual politics--continues to confound me. Which brings me to my question.
WHY do you dislike women after they fuck you? Not all of you do, but I bet you all UNDERSTAND why it happens. Why does a guy sleep with a woman like me, and get what we all think guys want (sex from a smart, blonde, C-cup-equipped, reasonably fit, if-not-hot-then-at-least-not-ugly chick who can commandingly carry a conversation, drink scotch without vomiting or blacking out, and sucks a mean dick), and then treat that woman like a disposable ho barely meriting acknowledgement.? Am I supposed to pretend I don't like sex and act like I won't have it, and be dishonest with someone I like and respect, and generally act like I am ashamed of the brash and sexual person I am in order to deserve the basic respect a decent person shows a stranger and a colleague? It's not like I'm trying to be this dude's girlfriend, or have been otherwise bothering or stalking him. I haven't been on his jock in any way, so it's not very likely that he's freaked out because we had differing views of the long-term consequences of our having sex. We were both drunk, both presumably mutually attracted, and both horny, and that's it. It's not like I fucked him and started planning our wedding. I haven't communicated with him at all excepting the one e-mail I sent him, to which he responded that things were "all good." So why am I being hated rather than congratulated? Why do guys sometimes act like they hate you because you had the audacity to fuck them? Any insight the fellas can offer on this matter would be appreciated by me, and probably every other girl who has had this happen (in other words, every other girl.) This is why I allow anonymous comments, dudes, so feel free to be brutally honest.
Labels: for serious people, Razzification, sex, sluts
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Possibly because he wanted to be contacted again more than just to hear about your blog about him. He might have wanted to have more than just a swing and a post, but didn't have the balls to say so. Or maybe he was just pissed he didn't get another blowjob.
# posted by 
: 11/16/2007 4:34 PM
: 11/16/2007 4:34 PM
Well, to all of those things...why didn't he just grow a pair and ask me out or something? I obviously like this guy enough to say YES to that He'd undoubtedly get another BJ that way, too.
Razz
Who knows? This guy seems like either a) he didn't enjoy it all that much, and was expecting more, b) he was expecting it to be a regular thing, or c) that some of his friends read your blog, were able to figure out you were talking about him, and proceeded to get on his ass about it when they next saw him. Like I said, who knows? Wel...I suppose he does, but meh...
Who knows? This guy seems like either a) he didn't enjoy it all that much, and was expecting more, b) he was expecting it to be a regular thing, or c) that some of his friends read your blog, were able to figure out you were talking about him, and proceeded to get on his ass about it when they next saw him. Like I said, who knows? Wel...I suppose he does, but meh...
This happened because boys are socially awkward after sexual relations. I completely empathize with you, Razzy. It's like "what's the big deal? We're both adults, let's just say hello when we see each other, and move on." Guys are a-holes.
I used to do this to girls in my youth and it was because I didn't like them that much. I wanted the sex one time and that was it. I didn't want to be seen with them and I didn't want them to think there was any kind of relationship. If I ignored them or was rude to them, that would be a signal for them to leave me alone and find someone else. Once they did, I started being nice to them again.
It's a crass, selfish, immature, and callow way to be, but a lot of men who are past adolescent infatuations and on the brink of a career really are that way. They just want the sex and that's it.
They'll likely change when they get older, and even feel remorse, but that doesn't do you any good now. I'm sorry for the ones I did it to and I feel sorry for you, but you'll shrug it off and move on the way you know you should.
It's a crass, selfish, immature, and callow way to be, but a lot of men who are past adolescent infatuations and on the brink of a career really are that way. They just want the sex and that's it.
They'll likely change when they get older, and even feel remorse, but that doesn't do you any good now. I'm sorry for the ones I did it to and I feel sorry for you, but you'll shrug it off and move on the way you know you should.
# posted by : 11/19/2007 11:08 PM
: 11/19/2007 11:08 PM
I've felt exactly the same way, though one can certainly control their urge to *act* on it.
But seriously - all my flings that actually went somewhere made me wait, at least for a little while. I don't know if this elevates the "mysteriousness" factor, or exactly what the deal is...just the way things seemed to go. The quicker I was 'in there', the sooner I seemed to want to be out of there, and I felt like a dick for it.
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But seriously - all my flings that actually went somewhere made me wait, at least for a little while. I don't know if this elevates the "mysteriousness" factor, or exactly what the deal is...just the way things seemed to go. The quicker I was 'in there', the sooner I seemed to want to be out of there, and I felt like a dick for it.
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