Monday, November 12, 2007
$hort Dog on Dog
While catching up on celebrity gossip occurring while I was on my deathbed, I was pleased to see that the incomparable Todd "Too $hort" Shaw, looking as dapper as always, took a breather from breakin' hoes, gettin' head, and otherwise dominating the East Bay's player-ass pimp scene to tell TMZ his thoughts on Duane "Dog" Chapman's career-ending racial tirade. In case you missed it, Chapman, star of the now-canceled "Dog the Bounty Hunter," went off on a "n-word"-laden rant about his son's black girlfriend. The son taped this rant, and sent it off to the National Enquirer. In spite of Dog coming up with some of the lamest excuses EVER ("I thought I was black because people called me white trash"...WHAT?) to cover his ass, A&E said "aloha" to him, his corpulent wife Beth, and his cadre of redneck Polynesian cousins and offspring who assist him in his bounty hunting and bail bond business. Never again will the American viewing audience get to see Beth clutching a pustule-covered meth addict prostitute who skipped on a $500 bond to her gargantuan breasts and praying for her well-being outside the Da Kine Bail Bonds office.
Too $hort does understand how offensive statements can be taken out of context, though, and I was surprised to see that he handled this with the diplomatic skill of the man employed in the oldest profession for going on twenty years. This is a man, after all, who once said chivalrous things like, "I know you're starvin', bitch, what you gon' eat? Just cause I picked you up I guess you waitin' on me. It ain't gonna be that, you shoulda ate or bought your ass a plate, cause on this date we just fuckin' till it's late." In fact, if you want to see some real tact in terms of interpersonal relations and the art of negotiation, you should just look up all the lyrics to "Coming Up $hort" and witness a master of political correctness working his magic.
Anyway, I can't embed the footage of Too $hort talking about Dog because TMZ is hardcore about hoarding their precious videos, so you'll have to click on this link and suffer through an annoying Pantene commercial before you can witness the legendary Mr. Shaw discussing Dog's mishaps, but it's worth it. Too $hort is a fucking font of wisdom.
"Gay bashin' and racial hatin' and all that stuff...it's just not good times for that in the media right now." You can say that again. Luckily for $hort Dog, there has yet to be a media backlash against calling a prostitute (or any woman, for that matter) a "beeyotch" if she gets out of line!
Too $hort continues, "It's like the word bitch or the word fuck...it has several meanings, one can be really, really negative and the other can be really, really positive. I fuckin' hate you or I fuckin' love you, you know." Is it possible for Too $hort to use the word "bitch" in a negative way? Because his career is built almost entirely on his distinctive use of that word, and I would say that any simple word which makes a man millions of dollars, earns him a spot as a mentor on "Celebrity Rap Superstar," and establishes him as THE quintessential East Oakland player-ass pimp is entirely positive.
While Too $hort does note that in Dog's case, "it was very derogatory the way he was spittin' that word out...REPEATEDLY," he says he isn't all that offended because it was just "hateful jokes" and "because I throw the word 'hoes' around a lot myself." And "beeyotch," and the "N-word", and "fuck," and virtually every other profanity one can imagine. Way not to throw stones, $hort Dog!
Can I just take a minute to say how awesome it is that Too $hort is popping up all over MTV and the internets these days? I hadn't heard so much as a feeble "beeyotch" out of him in the last five years, and all of a sudden he's teaching Girl Next Door #3 "oral exercises" and opining on F-list reality show stars' media gaffes! I have newfound faith in humanity. First, it seems that this year everyone and their mother finally realized how fucking unbelievably awesome Robert Sylvester Kelly is, and now they're rediscovering Too $hort as well. If this keeps up, I see civilization entering a damn Golden Age. Seriously, this blossoming appreciation for true art makes all those Renaissance dudes look like a bunch of posing, pathetic hacks. Leonardo, Michaelangelo, and all those other Ninja Turtle namesakes can open wide, because Too $hort is about to stick his dick in their talentless mouths! There is hope for our world yet.
Anyway, I can't embed the footage of Too $hort talking about Dog because TMZ is hardcore about hoarding their precious videos, so you'll have to click on this link and suffer through an annoying Pantene commercial before you can witness the legendary Mr. Shaw discussing Dog's mishaps, but it's worth it. Too $hort is a fucking font of wisdom.
"Gay bashin' and racial hatin' and all that stuff...it's just not good times for that in the media right now." You can say that again. Luckily for $hort Dog, there has yet to be a media backlash against calling a prostitute (or any woman, for that matter) a "beeyotch" if she gets out of line!
Too $hort continues, "It's like the word bitch or the word fuck...it has several meanings, one can be really, really negative and the other can be really, really positive. I fuckin' hate you or I fuckin' love you, you know." Is it possible for Too $hort to use the word "bitch" in a negative way? Because his career is built almost entirely on his distinctive use of that word, and I would say that any simple word which makes a man millions of dollars, earns him a spot as a mentor on "Celebrity Rap Superstar," and establishes him as THE quintessential East Oakland player-ass pimp is entirely positive.
While Too $hort does note that in Dog's case, "it was very derogatory the way he was spittin' that word out...REPEATEDLY," he says he isn't all that offended because it was just "hateful jokes" and "because I throw the word 'hoes' around a lot myself." And "beeyotch," and the "N-word", and "fuck," and virtually every other profanity one can imagine. Way not to throw stones, $hort Dog!
Can I just take a minute to say how awesome it is that Too $hort is popping up all over MTV and the internets these days? I hadn't heard so much as a feeble "beeyotch" out of him in the last five years, and all of a sudden he's teaching Girl Next Door #3 "oral exercises" and opining on F-list reality show stars' media gaffes! I have newfound faith in humanity. First, it seems that this year everyone and their mother finally realized how fucking unbelievably awesome Robert Sylvester Kelly is, and now they're rediscovering Too $hort as well. If this keeps up, I see civilization entering a damn Golden Age. Seriously, this blossoming appreciation for true art makes all those Renaissance dudes look like a bunch of posing, pathetic hacks. Leonardo, Michaelangelo, and all those other Ninja Turtle namesakes can open wide, because Too $hort is about to stick his dick in their talentless mouths! There is hope for our world yet.
Labels: celebrities, free fucking speech, intentional buffoonery, rap, Robert Sylvester Kelly, Too $hort, TV
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