Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Jesus would have sanctioned the sale of strap-ons
Yesterday, I received two e-mail requests about the same news story from LL Cool Jew ("I think this merits your attention--and ire") and El Cyd "please blog. please, please, please blog. oh, and as an aside: the penalty for selling a firearm to a minor? $500 and zero jail time"). Well, I can't say no to my Razzyphiles in need, and indeed I was appalled by the injustices that continue to be perpetrated by the state of Alabama. First they don't want to integrate the schools and now this. Hey, at least the Supreme Court had the decency to get on the whole civil rights thing. The sexual revolution is getting the shaft, or more appropriately, it's NOT getting the shaft in Alabama. This is bullshit!
What the hell is up with these Southern states? They aren't into anything fun at all. No "sodomy" AKA any kind of hot same-sex action, no sex toys, no FUN! I don't get why these Bible belt people make things so difficult for themselves. All these Jesus people are secretly such big freaks that their private antics would make me blush, so I don't know why they go to the trouble of passing laws that make their secret dirty sex lives more difficult. They all are ranting and raving from the pulpit about how CHEESE-sauce Chrast hates them hommasekshuls and stuff like that, but behind closed doors they're smoking meth and getting spanked by PVC-clad gay hookers. I guess the good Christians of Alabama buy their ball gags, nipple clamps, and assorted other dungeon equipment online.
Not only that, why do the damn penalties have to be so stiff? Peddling butt plugs is worth ten grand and a year in jail? I know that religious people aren't supposed to enjoy sex and therefore have no need to try new things in the bedroom, and that this is probably why they're so gung ho about keeping vibrators out of the hands of sinful bitches trying to masturbate everywhere, but whoever came up with that penalty needs a sex toy in a BAD way. Someone buy the seersucker coat-wearing Southern gentleman state senator who authored this law a string of anal beads, STAT, because his prostate needs to be tickled before it atrophies. There's no reason to think that Jesus wouldn't be doing himself with some type of cyberskin stroker sleeve modeled after a porn star's vagina and/or colon, especially considering he was so fond of hanging with whores, and you know that they spent some of the wages of sin on items to enhance the experience for their clients. Jesus didn't recommend that they cough up ten thousand denarii and enjoy a year's worth of scourging and prison rape courtesy of the Julio-Claudians. In fact, in his two interactions with slutty bitches, he stopped one from getting stoned, and had the other give him a hair-and-perfume pedicure. Our Lord and Savior obviously had a foot fetish and loved him some whores, so I can't believe he would have frowned too heavily on anything they carry at the Decatur or Huntsville "Pleasures" stores. Since Jesus went ahead and took the punishment for everyone who has ever done anything wrong himself, one can make the argument that he died so that we might all profit from the dildo-and-vibrator trade and enjoy the products of this beloved industry sector. Unfortunately, these Bible belt fools aren't intellectually visionary enough to appreciate that Jesus rode the cross at Golgotha like a wild stallion so that we can all have kinky, mechanically assisted sex to our hearts' content, and their bullshit laws are going to ensure that the good folks of Alabama are having fewer orgasms as a result.
Since the dumb-stupid-dumb Supreme Court doesn't have it's priorities straight and isn't rectifying this situation this time around, I plan to say a prayer for Alabama every time I use modern technology to rub one out or bang some chick. When I do that, I'm in a heightened spiritual state so it seems like that's a good time to conversate with the Father-Son-Holy Spirit anyway. I might as well lobby for the end of discrimination against the awesome perverts of the Yellowhammer (SERIOUSLY, that is Alabama's state name?) State. It's the Christian thing to do.
Court Leaves Alabama Sex Toy Ban IntactIt is a sad day when you have to disguise a nice, garden variety vibrator as a "medical device" in order to sell it. Not to mention that it really takes some of the sexy out of it to give a sex toy such a clinical title. Granted, my favorite vibrator is technically a "body massager" but it's not like I operate under the pretense that I use it for massaging any part of my body apart from my clitoris. I refer to it as my vibrator. I would still be pissed if it were harder to buy any of the other sex toys populating my bedside table drawer along with my passport, condom stash, and Smith diploma--which were sold under product names like "strap-on dildo", "double-sided jelly dong", "bullet vibe", "jackrabbit vibrator", "G-spotter", etc.--in my state. Fortunately, you can go ahead and sell this kind of stuff in New York, and businesses in the Village are thriving doing so. Looks like I won't be moving to Bama anytime soon.
By Phillip Rawls
MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) - The U.S. Supreme Court declined Monday to hear a challenge to Alabama's ban on the sale of sex toys, ending a nine-year legal battle and sending a warning to store owners to clean off their shelves.
An adult-store owner had asked the justices to throw out the law as an unconstitutional intrusion into the privacy of the bedroom. But the Supreme Court declined to hear the appeal, leaving intact a lower court ruling that upheld the law.
Sherri Williams, owner of Pleasures stores in Huntsville and Decatur, said she was disappointed, but plans to sue again on First Amendment free speech grounds.
"My motto has been they are going to have to pry this vibrator from my cold, dead hand. I refuse to give up," she said.
Alabama's anti-obscenity law, enacted in 1998, bans the distribution of "any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs for anything of pecuniary value."
The law does not ban the possession of sex toys, and it doesn't regulate other items, including condoms or virility drugs. Residents may legally purchase sex toys out of state for use in Alabama, or they may buy sexual devices in Alabama that have a "bona fide medical" purpose.
Similar laws have been upheld in Georgia, Mississippi, and Texas, but struck down in Louisiana, Kansas and Colorado, said Mark Lopez, a former American Civil Liberties Union attorney in New York who worked on the Alabama case until recently.
The Alabama attorney general's office immediately notified county district attorneys, who are responsible for enforcement. The attorney general planned to ask a federal judge to lift an injunction preventing the law from being enforced.
Removing the injunction should take a couple of days, said Chris Bence, spokesman for Attorney General Troy King.
Store owners should be aware that the law takes effect once the injunction is lifted, Bence said.
Williams had asked the Supreme Court to review a decision by the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals that found Alabama's law was not affected by a U.S. Supreme Court decision knocking down Texas' sodomy law.
The Texas sodomy law involved private conduct, while the Alabama law regulated commercial activity, the appeals court judges said. Public morality was an insufficient government interest in the Texas case but was sufficient in the Alabama case, they said.
Williams called the Supreme Court's decision not to review the law "further evidence of religion in politics."
"The U.S. Supreme Court said states can legislate morality," she said. "I don't feel it is fair to the people who do not agree with the morality of the Legislature."
She also predicted future court battles over which sexual devices are legal to sell as medical devices.
Lopez said adult stores may be cautious about pushing the issue of what constitutes a medical device because the law has strong penalties: Up to a year in jail and a $10,000 fine for a first offense. A second offense carries a prison sentence of one to 10 years.
What the hell is up with these Southern states? They aren't into anything fun at all. No "sodomy" AKA any kind of hot same-sex action, no sex toys, no FUN! I don't get why these Bible belt people make things so difficult for themselves. All these Jesus people are secretly such big freaks that their private antics would make me blush, so I don't know why they go to the trouble of passing laws that make their secret dirty sex lives more difficult. They all are ranting and raving from the pulpit about how CHEESE-sauce Chrast hates them hommasekshuls and stuff like that, but behind closed doors they're smoking meth and getting spanked by PVC-clad gay hookers. I guess the good Christians of Alabama buy their ball gags, nipple clamps, and assorted other dungeon equipment online.
Not only that, why do the damn penalties have to be so stiff? Peddling butt plugs is worth ten grand and a year in jail? I know that religious people aren't supposed to enjoy sex and therefore have no need to try new things in the bedroom, and that this is probably why they're so gung ho about keeping vibrators out of the hands of sinful bitches trying to masturbate everywhere, but whoever came up with that penalty needs a sex toy in a BAD way. Someone buy the seersucker coat-wearing Southern gentleman state senator who authored this law a string of anal beads, STAT, because his prostate needs to be tickled before it atrophies. There's no reason to think that Jesus wouldn't be doing himself with some type of cyberskin stroker sleeve modeled after a porn star's vagina and/or colon, especially considering he was so fond of hanging with whores, and you know that they spent some of the wages of sin on items to enhance the experience for their clients. Jesus didn't recommend that they cough up ten thousand denarii and enjoy a year's worth of scourging and prison rape courtesy of the Julio-Claudians. In fact, in his two interactions with slutty bitches, he stopped one from getting stoned, and had the other give him a hair-and-perfume pedicure. Our Lord and Savior obviously had a foot fetish and loved him some whores, so I can't believe he would have frowned too heavily on anything they carry at the Decatur or Huntsville "Pleasures" stores. Since Jesus went ahead and took the punishment for everyone who has ever done anything wrong himself, one can make the argument that he died so that we might all profit from the dildo-and-vibrator trade and enjoy the products of this beloved industry sector. Unfortunately, these Bible belt fools aren't intellectually visionary enough to appreciate that Jesus rode the cross at Golgotha like a wild stallion so that we can all have kinky, mechanically assisted sex to our hearts' content, and their bullshit laws are going to ensure that the good folks of Alabama are having fewer orgasms as a result.
Since the dumb-stupid-dumb Supreme Court doesn't have it's priorities straight and isn't rectifying this situation this time around, I plan to say a prayer for Alabama every time I use modern technology to rub one out or bang some chick. When I do that, I'm in a heightened spiritual state so it seems like that's a good time to conversate with the Father-Son-Holy Spirit anyway. I might as well lobby for the end of discrimination against the awesome perverts of the Yellowhammer (SERIOUSLY, that is Alabama's state name?) State. It's the Christian thing to do.
Labels: crime and punishment, Dear God, Dirrty Dirrty, oh the horror, overcompensation, perversion, politics, ranting, Razzyphiles, sex
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