Thursday, November 01, 2007
One tequila, two tequila, Tila Tequila...WHORE
I came across a typically elitist New York Times review of "Shot at Love with Tila Tequila," a reality show on MTV that makes me want to immolate myself while watching but that I oddly can't seem to turn off.
Only the NY Times can tackle Tila Tequila in such an erudite manner, for example describing how "her large head sits atop a pert pneumatic torso. Perhaps it is the way her wide-set eyes give her the look of a figure from an anime cartoon. Perhaps it is the steeliness of her will to succeed on whatever terms and the insistent sincerity she brings to the task"
The article includes other priceless gems such as those that follow:
On comparing Tila's career trajectory with those of other contemporary successful women:
Anyway, the Times article ends with this zinger of a quote in which Ms. Tequila demonstrates that, while she can do a mean job of splaying herself on the hood of a tricked-out car, she isn't very practiced at recognizing hypocrisy when she sees it: “The press and the media have glorified the celebrity thing and brainwashed people to live in that world,” Ms. Tequila said. “People try to stand out for nothing and they end up getting quote-unquote famous. I’m not into that at all. If you’re just into fame for fame, I’m like, ‘O.K., but what are you good at? What can you actually do?’”
Tila, what can you actually do...besides strip, upload bikini wank shots to MySpace, and generally be a big whore? I mean, prior to the abhorrence of "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" appearing on MTV, Tila Tequila was mainly famous for being the skankiest slut on MySpace and for fucking the hipster clusterfuck of whiskers, eyeliner, black nail polish, and overcompensating vintage/Army-Navy store fashion choices known as Jared Leto. Okay, MAYBE she effed Jared Leto. Jared denied it. And not that his past beards (Cameron Diaz, Lindsay Lohan) were much to shout about, but they're galaxies away from Tila Tequila in terms of star power and celebrity. I mean, even when it comes to singing talent, Lindsay Lohan should be singing arias at the Met compared to Tila Tequila. Not that I can criticize, because if I were a MySpace celebretard, I would also drop a single called "I Love U" in which I claim to be "the crazy bitch who's running the game" and threaten "I WILL FUCK YOU UP!" Oh, pardon me, I meant "FUK U UP." And how are you going to do that, "crazy bitch"? Give me herpes?
Anyway, now this has helped this trollop claw a little further up the trashy whore fame ladder by landing her this "A Shot at Love" dating show monstrosity. The premise is that Tila is looking for love, but she's bisexual. That means that instead of 16 men or 16 women competing for her heart, she has 16 OF EACH competing for her heart. It also means she has a lot of insincere "coming out" drama and wonders how her life is so crazy. I would say that for starters, it's because she not only has 32 desperate fame whores competing for her affections and living in the same contrived reality house which offers unlimited hooch and pool parties 24/7, but they all have to share the same bed. Sadly, Tila isn't taking proper advantage of her situation. If I had 32 vapid, hungry ho-bags all shacked up in one bed and lusting after me, you bet your ass that I would be up in that bed with all of them! Because, as Kells would say, doublin' up for me is like routine, player. Instead of engaging in some mackadelic nightspot realness with her literal stable of hoes, however, Tila spends a lot of time hemming and hawing about why trying to date in this situation is challenging and deciding whether or not she likes boys or girls more. Because it's hard to be a MySpace friend whore starring in a trashtastic reality show in which hot yet abysmally stupid motherfuckers present themselves for romantic and storied courtship rituals like foam wrestling. I mean, this is probably where Tila will meet the love of her life! How will she ever choose? And furthermore, what if she chooses wrong?
Yes, I think that the only solution here is for Tila to bang every last person in the house so she can show us all what her talent is, because to use Tila's own words, we're like, "Okay, what are you good at?" when asked about why Tila is famous. I mean, if you're really the bisexual slag you're claiming to be, then I think it's only right for you to prove it. I want to see Tila sitting on some desperate wannabe male model dick, or sticking her face into some stank faux lesbian stripper cho-cha (hey, if you're really "bisexual" and not "bi-curious" AKA you kiss girls for attention, then ho up and lick some twat already). Come on, MTV! Give me a reason to believe that Tila's actually got some talent! Talent besides showing off her shitshow of a boob job, that is.
You know...TALENT!
The article includes other priceless gems such as those that follow:
On comparing Tila's career trajectory with those of other contemporary successful women:
It has been said many times of the Internet that it radically subverts the traditional relationship between high and low, in terms both of culture and class. Yet Meg Whitman, the chief executive of eBay, did not get her career start posing for the video game “Street Racing Syndicate” and, absent a miracle, Tila Tequila’s chances of taking the helm of eBay are nil.On Tila's childhood history:
With Ms. Tequila’s hardscrabble upbringing, her story certainly contains elements of the classic show-business redemption narrative. Her family emigrated from postwar Vietnam to Singapore and later moved to Houston, where they lived in public housing and where, as she once said in an interview with Import Tuner, a car magazine, she became deeply disoriented about her identity: “I was really confused then, because at first I thought I was black, then I thought I was Hispanic and joined a cholo gang.”Hilarious, NY Times. Only the Times can work an Emma Lazarus reference into the text to underscore the point that Tila is a big old ho rather than a legendary poet who left her indelible mark upon the American literary canon by summarizing the immigrant experience. That is some fit-to-print news right there. Bravo.
To judge from myriad Internet snapshots with captions like “Tila in Red Bikini,” though, it is not the Emma Lazarus dimension of her tale that made Tila Tequila a social-network-magnet on MySpace or, for that matter, impossible to look away from on even the tiniest of hand-held screens.
Anyway, the Times article ends with this zinger of a quote in which Ms. Tequila demonstrates that, while she can do a mean job of splaying herself on the hood of a tricked-out car, she isn't very practiced at recognizing hypocrisy when she sees it: “The press and the media have glorified the celebrity thing and brainwashed people to live in that world,” Ms. Tequila said. “People try to stand out for nothing and they end up getting quote-unquote famous. I’m not into that at all. If you’re just into fame for fame, I’m like, ‘O.K., but what are you good at? What can you actually do?’”
Tila, what can you actually do...besides strip, upload bikini wank shots to MySpace, and generally be a big whore? I mean, prior to the abhorrence of "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" appearing on MTV, Tila Tequila was mainly famous for being the skankiest slut on MySpace and for fucking the hipster clusterfuck of whiskers, eyeliner, black nail polish, and overcompensating vintage/Army-Navy store fashion choices known as Jared Leto. Okay, MAYBE she effed Jared Leto. Jared denied it. And not that his past beards (Cameron Diaz, Lindsay Lohan) were much to shout about, but they're galaxies away from Tila Tequila in terms of star power and celebrity. I mean, even when it comes to singing talent, Lindsay Lohan should be singing arias at the Met compared to Tila Tequila. Not that I can criticize, because if I were a MySpace celebretard, I would also drop a single called "I Love U" in which I claim to be "the crazy bitch who's running the game" and threaten "I WILL FUCK YOU UP!" Oh, pardon me, I meant "FUK U UP." And how are you going to do that, "crazy bitch"? Give me herpes?
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Anyway, now this has helped this trollop claw a little further up the trashy whore fame ladder by landing her this "A Shot at Love" dating show monstrosity. The premise is that Tila is looking for love, but she's bisexual. That means that instead of 16 men or 16 women competing for her heart, she has 16 OF EACH competing for her heart. It also means she has a lot of insincere "coming out" drama and wonders how her life is so crazy. I would say that for starters, it's because she not only has 32 desperate fame whores competing for her affections and living in the same contrived reality house which offers unlimited hooch and pool parties 24/7, but they all have to share the same bed. Sadly, Tila isn't taking proper advantage of her situation. If I had 32 vapid, hungry ho-bags all shacked up in one bed and lusting after me, you bet your ass that I would be up in that bed with all of them! Because, as Kells would say, doublin' up for me is like routine, player. Instead of engaging in some mackadelic nightspot realness with her literal stable of hoes, however, Tila spends a lot of time hemming and hawing about why trying to date in this situation is challenging and deciding whether or not she likes boys or girls more. Because it's hard to be a MySpace friend whore starring in a trashtastic reality show in which hot yet abysmally stupid motherfuckers present themselves for romantic and storied courtship rituals like foam wrestling. I mean, this is probably where Tila will meet the love of her life! How will she ever choose? And furthermore, what if she chooses wrong?
Yes, I think that the only solution here is for Tila to bang every last person in the house so she can show us all what her talent is, because to use Tila's own words, we're like, "Okay, what are you good at?" when asked about why Tila is famous. I mean, if you're really the bisexual slag you're claiming to be, then I think it's only right for you to prove it. I want to see Tila sitting on some desperate wannabe male model dick, or sticking her face into some stank faux lesbian stripper cho-cha (hey, if you're really "bisexual" and not "bi-curious" AKA you kiss girls for attention, then ho up and lick some twat already). Come on, MTV! Give me a reason to believe that Tila's actually got some talent! Talent besides showing off her shitshow of a boob job, that is.
Labels: assholes, lezbollah, media whores, MySpace, sex, sluts, TV
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