Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Banging skanks with fake hair=INTs galore
When I was perusing the cover of Us Weekly seeing the (quickly forgettable compared to Ok!'s Jamie-Lynn Spears exclusive) cover story about Heidi Montag, I noted with a certain satisfaction that my prediction has come true. What prediction, you ask? The one where I said that Jessica Simpson would be singlehandedly responsible for the catastrophic implosion of the Dallas Cowboys this postseason since her vagina dentata got hold of Tony Romo's dick. Well, even Us Weekly is taking note of this! Previously Us Weekly's NFL coverage involved stories about exactly how much Bridget Moynahan HATES Tom Brady, and how Tom Brady can't be bothered to do more than occasionally pretend to like baby JET, because he's banging Gisele. However, now Us Weekly is validating what I knew to be true a solid week ago: Jessica Simpson is destroying the Cowboys by taking out their QB.
Here's a better picture of this goddess of failure and discord casting her accursed gaze all over Texas Stadium:
You can almost see her bad vibes emanating from that dumb bitch pouty face she makes. PLUS, I have ZERO respect for bitches who wear those pink jerseys. It's not like wearing a normal Cowboys jersey would butch her up to the point where we'd be questioning her femininity. Those pink jerseys--and all their companion products (pink baseball caps, pink knit caps, pink headbands, etc.)--represent one reason why the end of days might just be imminent. For years, I've been bemoaning the lack of jerseys that flatter a hot set of tits like mine available on NFLshop.com, but they finally get their act together to expand their women's products and make everything fucking PINK? FUCK THAT! I'm more against those pink jerseys than I am against raisins, spiders, or the war in Iraq. But I digress.
I'm just excited that my assessment about how Tony Romo would rather see his jersey in pink on the worthless drag queenish human blow-up doll he's sticking his dick into than lead his bitch-ass team to the Super Bowl was correct. For one thing, I hate the Cowboys. Granted, the Cowboys aren't at Shitsburgh Stealers, New England Hatriots, or Indianapolis Colts level of hate induction, but they're certainly up in the second tier of teams I detest alongside the St. Louis Rams, the New York Giants, and the Philadelphia Eagles. I am glad that my prediction that Jessica Simpson is the key to their doom is coming true. For another, it's great for the Seahawks, as a Simpson weakened Cowboys team makes the NFC even easier to completely conquer. And finally, I think it's what Tony Romo deserves.
I don't know why, I just get some bad vibes from Tony Romo. He seems like he's probably swinging around a respectable enough weiner, but he strikes me as a shoulder-pusher. In case you are unfamiliar with this term, a shoulder-pusher is a dude who expresses his desire for a blowjob in the most obnoxious manner possible: by just shoving on your shoulders and/or head to force you down into the vicinity of his crotch. Whenever I encounter one of these guys, I just want to say, "Oh, really, you want me to give you head? Shocking, because if there's one thing guys HATE, it's getting head! Thanks for subtly indicating this to me by trying to wrangle my face down onto your dick via physical buffoonery, because it never would have occured to me to fellate your dumb ass otherwise!" God, the quickest way to ensure I DON'T suck your cock is to shoulder-push. Tony Romo seems like the kind of guy who resorts to shoulder-pushing as his go-to move. Sadly, that sort of thing works with dumb hos like Jessica. In fact, they think it means the guy really cares about them. Deeply.
Anyway, one other reason I'm stoked that Jessica is singlehandedly ruining the Cowboys is that it means my forecasting the football future is on point. That means I've got a very good chance about being right about the Dolphins beating the Patriots this Sunday. Which means Benzo is going to owe me some drinks and will be embarrassing himself on the internets. In the words of DJ Unk, I've got predictions like they Cleo's. Except unlike Miss Cleo the fraudulent Ja-Fake-An psychic lesbian, my predictions are right! TRUST!
Here's a better picture of this goddess of failure and discord casting her accursed gaze all over Texas Stadium:
I'm just excited that my assessment about how Tony Romo would rather see his jersey in pink on the worthless drag queenish human blow-up doll he's sticking his dick into than lead his bitch-ass team to the Super Bowl was correct. For one thing, I hate the Cowboys. Granted, the Cowboys aren't at Shitsburgh Stealers, New England Hatriots, or Indianapolis Colts level of hate induction, but they're certainly up in the second tier of teams I detest alongside the St. Louis Rams, the New York Giants, and the Philadelphia Eagles. I am glad that my prediction that Jessica Simpson is the key to their doom is coming true. For another, it's great for the Seahawks, as a Simpson weakened Cowboys team makes the NFC even easier to completely conquer. And finally, I think it's what Tony Romo deserves.
I don't know why, I just get some bad vibes from Tony Romo. He seems like he's probably swinging around a respectable enough weiner, but he strikes me as a shoulder-pusher. In case you are unfamiliar with this term, a shoulder-pusher is a dude who expresses his desire for a blowjob in the most obnoxious manner possible: by just shoving on your shoulders and/or head to force you down into the vicinity of his crotch. Whenever I encounter one of these guys, I just want to say, "Oh, really, you want me to give you head? Shocking, because if there's one thing guys HATE, it's getting head! Thanks for subtly indicating this to me by trying to wrangle my face down onto your dick via physical buffoonery, because it never would have occured to me to fellate your dumb ass otherwise!" God, the quickest way to ensure I DON'T suck your cock is to shoulder-push. Tony Romo seems like the kind of guy who resorts to shoulder-pushing as his go-to move. Sadly, that sort of thing works with dumb hos like Jessica. In fact, they think it means the guy really cares about them. Deeply.
Anyway, one other reason I'm stoked that Jessica is singlehandedly ruining the Cowboys is that it means my forecasting the football future is on point. That means I've got a very good chance about being right about the Dolphins beating the Patriots this Sunday. Which means Benzo is going to owe me some drinks and will be embarrassing himself on the internets. In the words of DJ Unk, I've got predictions like they Cleo's. Except unlike Miss Cleo the fraudulent Ja-Fake-An psychic lesbian, my predictions are right! TRUST!
Labels: assholes, comeuppance, media whores, NFL football, Seahawks, sluts
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You keep referring to them as the Shitsburgh Stealers. The proper term is Pissburgh Stealers. Plus, your tits are so awesome, why cover them with any jersey, pink or otherwise?
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# posted by 
: 12/19/2007 6:03 PM
: 12/19/2007 6:03 PM Links to this post:
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