Thursday, December 13, 2007

 

Daily Douchebag: Jessica Simpson AGAIN


Name: Jessica Ann Simpson

DOB: July 10, 1980

Occupation: Singer, actress, spokeswhore, dumbass

Hometown: Abilene, Texas

Current Residence: Los Angeles, California

Douchebaggery: So I already bestowed this illustrious honor upon the voluptuous Ms. Simpson last July, but I felt it was worth doing again. I believe at that time, I shared my opinion that Jessica should "just duck the fuck out of the spotlight before even the morons patronizing her brand wise up and realize what a bimbotic tool she is." For some reason, she didn't heed my eminently wise suggestion, and months later she's still all over the internets. I say, hasn't this bitch been famous for almost nothing long enough?

Really, what is Jessica Simpson famous for now? Her reality show from three years ago that is as dead as the marriage that served as its premise? No. Singing? Can YOU name a single Jessica Simpson song? I can only think of the aural holocaust that was her cover of "These Boots are Made for Walkin,'" and I only remember that because it was on TV ad nauseum in a fucking Pizza Hut commercial or something, which doubled as a video for the song. In it, Jessica is portraying Daisy, her character from the appalling Dukes of Hazzard movie, and she soaps up the General Lee and writhes around on it in an attempt at seduction. In reality, she looks like a busted drag hooker with cerebral palsy, too much makeup, and a really, really bad personal stylist. Her pink bikini not only clashes horribly with the red car, it also does a lovely job showcasing the capsular contraction in her post-op double Ds. AT BEST, it reminds me of that burger commercial that Paris Hilton did rolling around on a car and eating some mess from Carl's Jr. or something like that, and when your most sexy moves are reminiscent of a herpetic skank binge-eating, it goes without saying that you need to make some adjustments.

Though the whole "These Boots are Made for Walkin'" thing mercifully went away for the most part when the Dukes of Hazzard movie bombed, Jessica continued to torment America with her reprisals of the Daisy role to hawk various crap products. Most recently this was in a commercial for DirectTV that is on during football games. This commercial was part of an ad campaign in which scenes from classic movies, such as Major League, Back to the Future, Aliens, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off, are updated to be ads for Direct TV. I would seriously firebomb the Direct TV corporate headquarters for audaciously equating Jessica Simpson's godawful performance in The Dukes of Hazzard with Charlie Sheen's portrayal of Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn in Major League (one of the greatest films in the history of cinema and that is no joke) if it weren't for their exclusive rights to the "NFL Sunday Ticket" package. Charlie Sheen is a master thespian and Rick Vaughn, nearsighted misunderstood badboy fastball pitcher, was the role that is his magnum opus. Meanwhile, Jessica's tits are better at acting than she is, and it is insulting for Direct TV to lump them into the same category, even if that category is "shameless marketing whore." Direct TV should stick to reminding people that they have NFL Sunday Ticket.

Speaking of the NFL, that reminds me another way that Jessica Simpson is pissing me off lately. Apparently, she's currently losing cheap-ass tracks of Barbie hair in the bed of Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. While as a Seahawks fan this delights me, since it means that by the time the Seahawks wind up playing the Cowboys in the playoffs, Tony Romo will be a dried-up shell of a human being thanks to weeks of work by Jessica and her family of succubi. Tony has been spending every moment possible away from Texas Stadium over at the Simpson's compound with Jessica, her fag-along Ken Paves, and her creepy father. This is a picture of them all hanging out just yesterday (and BTdubs, nice stripper heels, Jess...are they real vinyl and Lucite?):

Tony Romo isn't paying attention to football, and I think that as the Simpsons sink their claws deeper into him, it will start to show. By the time he faces Seattle in the NFC championship game, he'll have a shadow of the quarterback rating he once had. He won't complete any passes to an irate T.O., Tatupu will pick him like 5 times, he'll lose 2 fumbles and get repeatedly sacked thanks to the pressure put on him by our Sea-fensive line, and the Hawks will be off to face the almost undefeated (except for a loss to Miami in week 16) New England Hatriots in the Super Bowl, where we will WIN! If that happens in part due to Tony Romo's Simpson-induced failures, I will personally stop hating Jessica Simpson for around two seconds. What I DON'T like about Jessica Simpson's dating Tony Romo is that when I'm trying to watch the damn football game, all of a sudden Joe Buck and Troy Aikman (who I already hate for being obnoxious and overconcussed, respectively) are gabbing about Jessica Simpson. If these assholes want to gossip between plays, I would rather hear about what T.O. is disgruntled about today and who is talking shit about who else in the NFL, not about Jessica fucking Simpson! It's bad enough that I have to see Jessica Simpson in those damn Direct TV ads during the game, much less that I have to hear the commentators talking about her skank ass banging the quarterback. If there is ANY sacred time that should be Jessica Simpson-free, it's fucking football!

Anyway, since Jessica's primary achievements in cultural relevance these days (apart from a lot of straight-to-video movies) are whoring herself out to Pizza Slut, Direct TV, HSN, and Macy's and fucking Tony Romo, I say it's high time she got demoted to at least the F-list. In fact, I demand it. For my mental health's sake. Please! Ease my pain!

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# posted by Razzy @ 8:48 AM
Comments:
The sister is worse.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 12/13/2007 3:47 PM
 
Razzy, what are you willing to put on the line to back up your proposed Patriot loss to the Miami Dolphins? Let me know...because we may have a bet!
# posted by Anonymous Benzo : 12/13/2007 5:57 PM
 
Tell you what, Benzo...if I'm wrong, I'll be your girlfriend again! Just kidding...I'm not sure if that means you won or lost the bet.

Seriously, I'll take your wager. Since I don't have any money, though, it will have to be a bet for services rendered. I imagine you'll probably want me to do something humiliating, like write a blog posting talking about how great the Pats are, complete with a picture of me topless with "I Love Brady and Belichick" or something like that written on my chest? I don't know...what would you like to see me do if I lose?

And what are you willing to wager??? It better be something good, because I would say the odds are decidedly slanted toward you being the victor here...
# posted by Blogger Razzy : 12/13/2007 6:11 PM
 
I really don't know what you are going to put on the line. Since you are likely to lose i'll let you come up with parameters. For know I am worried about my Fantasy Football semi-finals, and the Jets.
# posted by Anonymous benzo : 12/13/2007 7:49 PM
 
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