Friday, December 14, 2007
Daily Douchebag: MLB players named in the Mitchell Report
Name: Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Mo Vaughn, Gary Sheffield, Barry Bonds, the brothers Giambi, Miguel Tejada, et al
DOB: varied
Occupation: cheating at America's favorite pasttime
Hometown: various
Current residence: infamy
Douchebaggery: I think it's pretty obvious that the long list of guys named in former Senator George Mitchell's report naming guys linked to purchasing steroids, either via the internets, via Mets trainer/roid dealer Kirk Radomski, or via BALCO lab are candidates for douchebagging simply because of these acts. Nobody like a cheater, and nobody likes 80-something of them, either. I've already declared Barry Bonds a douchebag, which is easy to do since not only is BB seemingly a total asshole, but it's not difficult to imagine him demanding that his mistress scrub at his "cream" or "clear"-induced bacne with Proactiv solution and otherwise being an unrepentant dick about his cheating. Likewise, everybody already knew the Giambis were getting their roid on, as well. However, what was a little more shocking for America to digest were some of the other names on the list. A lot of these guys have given plenty of lip service to the notion that they are men of integrity who would never, never, NEVER even dream of doing such a thing, and yet the Mitchell report has a copy of their checks made out to Radomski for $3200 (and who buys drugs with checks, anyway? I snicker just imagining the look on my dealer's face if I were to break out my checkbook the next time I pick up some tweeds--I mean, JUST KIDDING! I don't do drugs). Not only do I love seeing these assclowns get their comeuppance for being lying hypocrites, but it's especially sweet that so many of them are Yankees and/or former Yankees. To me, reasons to hate the Yankees are like orgasms or sexy boots: you can never really have too many.
Anyway, I thought I'd just mention two of the more prominent dickwads on this list and highlight why they are a bunch of duplicitous losers with no respect for the game they play or the fans who made them millionaires. It's always a good time for a cautionary tale about how asshole losers who lie and cheat their way through life while telling everyone they are fine, upstanding men deserving of respect always get their due. Since yesterday I received a request to call out Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte, I figured I'd focus on them. This is not a challenge for me, since if there's two things I hate, it's hypocritical Christians and New York Yankees, and both of these cocksmokers fit that criteria
Roger Clemens: Also known as "the Rocket," Clemens is one of the most respected diva dickheads in baseball. He's a narcissist who named all of his kids something starting with "K" to reflect his success as a pitcher, and whose modus operandi for upping his contract includes retiring every other year and then deciding to return (usually to the Yankees). Every time he decides to leave retirement YET AGAIN, he always gives a shoutout to the big JC and claims that he came to the extremely difficult decision to make millions of dollars thanks to lots and lots of prayer. Because if there's one thing about Jesus, he loves it when the faithful sheep in his flock stack that paper. That whole "blessed are the poor and meek, they shall inherit the earth" Sermon on the Mount Beatitudes business from the gospel of Matthew was totally done on opposite day, after all. Jesus wants Clemens to get back into a pair of horrible Yankee pinstripes and start chucking fastballs at the heads of opposing batters he doesn't like, because that is how good Christians roll.
Prior to the Mitchell Report, everyone was wondering how Clemens can still bring the heat at age 45. In addition to attributing his physical endurance to Cheese-Sauce CHRAST, the only other substance Clemens ever was caught using was the Icy Hot he smears all over his genitalia to get his game face on. I suppose he would also claim his continued good health is a result his eschewing of the hallowed tradition of chewin' tobacky for gum:
While I'm sure that Clemens passing on the Red Man helped him stay fit enough to wear hideous windbreakers, now we all know how he REALLY kept his arm rocket-caliber all these years: steroids. Per the Mitchell report, Clemens not only was an enthusiastic opponent of Winstrol (because he was too much of a pussy to do the abdominal human growth hormone shots), he insisted on bringing his favorite injector (I mean "personal trainer") from clubhouse to clubhouse with him so as to stay on cycle.
As of right now, Clemens has an attorney who is making all sorts of noise about "slander" and implying that some litigious action will be taken against Major League Baseball for having the audacity to investigate his steroid use. Sha right. Barry Bonds tried to play the slander card, too, and look where it got him: under indictment in federal court. Roger Clemens will be lucky if the worst that happens is they engrave asterisks on all his Cy Young award plaques. On the bright side for his legal remedies, though, at least Roger didn't film a PSA setting a kid straight for injecting testosterone into his ass.
Andy Pettitte: One of MLB's biggest holy rollers, Andy Pettite went so far as to write a book detailing his achievements at being the best Christian ever (although this is mitigated by his playing for the Yankees, who I believe God hates even more than fags). Here's a little excerpt about how Andy committed himself to "purity," and to him this goes beyond merely bagging broads outside of wedlock to encompassing every aspect of one's life:
"I might as well be straight with you. This whole question of purity isn’t about how true love waits until you are married to have sex. You can do that and still miss the point. Purity begins with a commitment to live in a way that honors Jesus Christ, a commitment that spreads over every part of your life."Well, I can see how it would be a dishonor to JC to run around porking baseball groupies like Corbin Bernsen in Major League, but as in Roger Clemens's case, Jesus doesn't mind a HGH shot here and there to help out with a pesky case of elbow tendonitis. In fact, I'm sure Roger introduced Andy to his dealer--I mean his trainer--at church. Here's a couple pictures of Roger and Andy discussing how
Labels: assholes, comeuppance, crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, Dear God, fuck the Yankees, sportsmen
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Plus what about those shrewd General Managers in Houston and Milwaukee that signed or traded for noted roid guys like Eric Gagne and Miguel Tejada the day before this report came out. Never mind the fact that Gagne got 10 million dollars for next season coming off a year when he failed to make a meaningful appearance without blowing a lead for the Red Sox from late July until the end of the triumphant season. On the plus side not too many Red Sox or Mariners of consequence in that report. Razzy, I believe you have repeatedly "douchebagged" Jeter, ARod, and Manny. But at least these guys don't juice. Also no Griffey, Buhner, or Randy Johnson references from the Mariners' glory years of the late 90's to early 21st century. Those were some memorable regular seasons in the great northwest. Now you can complain that you were cheated out of the Superbowl by the refs and a World Series appearance by the juiced up Yanks! If you could only find a way to paint the 96 NBA finals into a cheating light you could have a trifecta.
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# posted by 
: 12/14/2007 10:33 AM
: 12/14/2007 10:33 AM Links to this post:
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