Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Tyra Banks
DOB: December 4, 1973
Occupation: ex-supermodel, host of the worst talk show on TV, the scourge of "America's Next Top Model," aficionado of appallingly bad fake hair, sanctimonious pain in the ass, CHEAP BITCH
Hometown: Inglewood, California
Current residence: New York, New York
Douchebaggery: I have a lot of reasons to hate Tyra Banks. Every Wednesday, J-Sexy and I get together to stuff our faces with white trash cuisine and audibly scoff at Tyra's obnoxious preaching about how to "smile with your eyes" in between her horribly affected lapses into faux-ebonics and other varieties of ridiculous assclownery with Miss J the runway coach on "America's Next Top Model." Half the fun of watching that show is watching Tyra talk about modeling like it's rocket science and she is J. Robert Oppenheimer, and consequently mocking her.
Even worse than her patronizing dumb bitches on "America's Next Soon-to-Be Forgotten Model" is her behavior on that clusterfuck of a daytime talk show she does. Almost every time I accidentally watch some of that trash, she's got a porn star on and she is getting busy with the morality sermons. I don't know what exactly Tyra hates so much about porn, but she DESPISES it. Clearly Tyra doesn't have a very active masturbation life (unlike--ahem--me), because if she did, she would be too busy rubbing one off to the porn stars she has on her show to waste time publicly shaming them. Tyra truly blames pornography for everything from divorce rates to adultery to violent crime to the Holocaust. Okay, I don't know if she's managed to actually blame the Holocaust on porn, but trust that she would if she could. I think she's just hating because so many porn stars (ie: Tyra Banxxx and the hotness that is Briana Banks) named themselves after her. Anyone who opposes porn AND makes dumb wannabe models wear unflattering Ken Paves weaves that are as astoundingly piss-poor and cheap as her own is no friend of mine.
And speaking of cheap, that's what Tyra Banks is. Apparently, after making her entire staff either look for new jobs or relocate to NYC with her talk show, she decided to thank the ones who moved by stiffing them in the holiday bonus department. Then, she had some party on the Lower East Side for them with no hors d'oeuvres and drinks only. I wouldn't complain about that, as I prefer a liquid diet anyway, but I would be insulted by what happened next. Tyra showed up for around five minutes to announce, "Santa's here!" Then some asshole in a Santa outfit came in to hand out McDonald's cheeseburgers to everyone, which was Tyra's cue to bail and head to Italy. Her staff was so disgruntled that a drunken brawl ensued.
Oh, thanks, Tyra, you fat fucking cow, for so generously making everyone on your staff an official Dollar Menunaire. I bet they are all delighted to have moved across the country for the opportunity to book porn stars for you to trash and eat the pathetic Mickey D's your Scroogish ass deigned to purchase for them before you ran off. No wonder they started a fucking physical altercation. They had to find some way of expressing their rage that Tyra is cheaper than her busted tracks.
Labels: America's Next Top Model, assholes, Daily Douchebag, fat fucks, porn, sluts
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