Friday, December 21, 2007

 

Daily Douchebag: whoever greenlighted THIS


Name: some dipshit producer who is obviously hitting the Jenkem hard

DOB: yesterday, apparently

Occupation: making piss-poor, straight-to-video movies

Douchebaggery: I absolutely DO NOT understand who has decided that Paris Hilton is a marketable commodity, or that people want to go see a movie in which her "acting" skills are expected to carry the film. Furthermore, they better expect a fucking Sophie's Choice caliber performance out of her if the premise of this movie is that Paris is a "hottie." Paris Hilton reminds me of the Barbie dolls my aunts would give me to discourage what they felt were unladylike pursuits (reading, science, career ambitions, lack of interest in husband-attracting or child-rearing). The Barbies didn't really do the job, because after I'd use them to wage war against and defeat my brother's army of GI Joes and Masters of the Universe figures on account of their comparative Brobdingnagian stature and failed to notice my dog dragging them out into the yard, they would be considerably worse for the wear and decidedly opposed to an image of idealized female beauty. Their hair would turn into a dreadlocked plastic mess, they would have teeth marks in their perma-tiptoed feet, and they would look like they just drank a quart of Ripple spiked with GHB and got gangbanged by a community college basketball team. Despite all her expensive clothes and extensions and Z-list model boyfriends, that's the image Paris invokes for me.

Speaking of revolting images, I would like to remind everyone that while Paris does look better than her co-star the "nottie," the last time I checked, THIS was not hot:

While there are probably some sick fucks who get turned on by genital herpes, most people would not file that under "that's hot." Oh, okay, I think herpes simplex is a hot virus because of its ability to establish latency in dorsal root ganglia and its hot subversion of innate antiviral immune responses, but that doesn't mean I want to lick a snatch covered with it. Just because Paris Hilton is a host for a hot virus doesn't mean anyone in their right mind wants to join her in Club Valtrex.

So note to whoever decided to give the go-ahead to The Hottie and The Nottie: way to cost your production company a lot of money they're not going to recoup. And thanks for cursing modern culture with this monstrosity. Even seeing it on the shelf at Blockbuster is an affront to standards of decency.

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# posted by Razzy @ 11:48 AM
Comments:
You must be trying to make me give away that I'm looking at your website at work. The fact that I was dry heaving in my cubicle and almost puked at the pic of that herpes snatch gave away my secret of actually "working" on my computer while at my work place.

JJ
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 12/26/2007 9:01 AM
 
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