Wednesday, December 19, 2007

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Heidi Montag


Name: Heidi Montag

DOB: September 15, 1986

Occupation: "reality" TV whore, some variety of wannabe singer, some type of glorified receptionist at Bolthouse Productions

Hometown: Crested Butte, Colorado

Current residence: West Hollywood, California

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Frankly, Heidi Montag by any normal sentient being's standard is abysmally stupid. However, when compared to some of her co-stars on "The Hills"--namely Audrina and Whitney--she looks like fucking Einstein. Well, if not Einstein, then at least Doogie Howser, M.D. There was just one thing mitigating her comparatively higher intellect: her relationship with Spencer Pratt. The use of "douchebag" as a pejorative descriptor was invented to describe this fuckwit. I was thoroughly unimpressed when he gave her a big cubic zirconium and proposed to make up for Heidi's choosing him over her relationship with ex-BFF Lauren Conrad. Then, with each passing week, JerseyGirl, HillsYes, Senioritis, and myself would choke on whatever white trash cuisine I was teaching JerseyGirl how to cook as Spencer continued to surpass his own previous demonstrations of skeeziness. Just look at this creep:

I would expect to see Spencer showing up for frozen lemonade at some 13-year-old's house only to be confronted by the hotness that is Chris Hansen inquiring about his interest in doing anal to a minor. For some reason (ratings), Heidi decided to accept his proposal of marriage despite his constant assclownery, and consequently had to put up with his decorating their apartment in vintage arcade games (Centipede, Galaga), and his trying to talk her into eloping to Vegas for their wedding, and spying on her instant message conversations, and generally being a detestable prick. Normally, Heidi would have nothing short of my disdain and scorn for agreeing to wed such a loser. However, since she has now decided to dump his ass, I must applaud her.

Heidi's breaking this engagement means that Spencer is only going to be giving us a serious case of the shudders for a couple episodes this next season before he gets straight kicked to the curb. No more Z-list fame for Spencer (the) Pratt! At least, until he makes an appearance on "To Catch a Predator." So, thank you, Heidi, for coming to your senses and hastening this asshole's exit from the not-really-limelight he is currently enjoying. Just for that, I'd tap her ass hard enough to put some serious fuck-knots in what HillsYes calls her "Texas blowout" hairstyle.

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# posted by Razzy @ 1:28 PM
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