Monday, December 03, 2007
Liar, liar, whore's crotch on fire!
So for some reason, I watch that "Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" trash. In case you are not familiar with what the kids these days are jamming to on MTV, it's a show in which Tila Tequila searches for romance among a bevy of suitors. Since Tila's main claim to fame is being the most popular skank on the social e-cesspool known as MySpace and she is not nearly as entertaining to watch as Tiffany "New York" Pollard, the show's twist is that Tila is bisexual and is choosing from a pool of reality fame whores representing both genders. However, it seems there is more afoot on the set of "A Shot at Love" than the MTV producers would have us believe. In another example reminding everyone why the New York Post is the greatest publication in the history of print journalism (fuck off, snobby Times readers!), Richard Johnson has this shocking expose on Page Six:
I've been suspicious of Tila's slut credentials from day one of this show. For starters, all the contestants on this show sleep on one massive bed. If I had a bed populated with male model bodybuilder wannabes and lesbian strippers, priority numero uno would be effing each and every last one of them. So far, Tila's played coy, doing little more than some light making out with some of them. Nobody is watching this shit to see Tila process with these assholes: we want to see her act like the whore she's marketed herself as! Get with the orgy-having, already, because memo to Tila Tequila: you are not bisexual until you lick some snatch. Making out with girls and boobmashing does not count., because as the Post so astutely points out, you can get any bitch to do that if you feed her enough sea breezes. I cannot count the number of straight drunk girls I've made out with, and 99% of them did not wind up sitting on my face. Apparently at the "Welcome to Grad School, First-Years" party this year which I hosted as co-president of the grad school student body, instead of kissing babies I worked it politically by kissing 5 or 6 different girls who had been enjoying the open bar. People are still talking about the hot makeout sesh I publicly engaged in with this second-year who went to Mount Holyoke (Seven Sisters represent!). However, I didn't score any pussy that night, because all those girls ARE STRAIGHT! Making out with me doesn't make them bi.
I have a suggestion for MTV if they want to continue with the "Shot at Love" franchise since that duplicitous-ass bitch Tila won't dump her secret real-life boyfriend: PICK ME! Not only am I smarter and more witty than Tila, but I'll also show my boobs, get drunk on the regular, and give every last contestant a test drive in that giant bed. And I'm also cooperative, easy to work with, and actually bisexual, so there will be plenty of sincere hot girl-on-girl going on. I'll show up ready to craft some exquisite reality with a suitcase full of sex toys and a readiness to bring the drama by getting it on with everyone in sight. It's true that I only only have 600-something MySpace friends as opposed to Tila's two million, but if it's bisexual bachelorettes who know how to keep things lively you're looking for, I'm your girl, MTV!
Besides, MTV is going to need to make it up to their "Shot at Love" viewers who have devoted themselves to the adoration of Dani, the butch lesbian firefighter who is one of Tila's final three candidates. Specifically, LL Cool Jew and El Cyd, founding members of the Cult of Dani, will go ballistic when Tila breaks Dani's sensitive lesbian heart by noting that she's actually looking for a shot at cultural relevance as opposed to love, and will not be riding off into the sunset beside her in Dani's Subaru Outback. "A Shot at Casual Sex with Thirty-Two Unemployed Foodservice Employees and/or Exotic Dancers Of Both Genders with Razzy" is how MTV can make things right.
SELF-proclaimed bisexual MTV skank Tila Tequila may actually be straight as an arrow. The gay-for-pay bikini babe stars in a "A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila," about her search for the perfect mate - male or female. But it's "all a sham," says a source close to the show. "Tila has and has had a boyfriend for over a year, and she's not really bi. She's made out with some girls in her past, as all girls have, but she is not bi at all." Our insider claims that MTV works hard to pretend she's single and available because she refuses to break up with her boyfriend, "who's like five years older than her. This is a massive scam . . . That's why they are not continuing with the show [for a second season], because she won't dump him." Tequila has also been acting like "a diva" and become a "nightmare to work with," said the source. "She arrives late and doesn't talk to any of the contestants between takes. She complains she has too much going on." A rep for Tequila said, "I'll confirm that she's bisexual and she's a delight to work with."SHA RIGHT, Tila Tequila's rep! Nobody is surprised to find out that she's a fake bisexual and a bitch. I would frankly be surprised to hear that Tila, a woman primarily famous for her trucker hat-bikini combos, her claims that she porked the indigent nail-polished despicable hipster mess who answers to Jared Leto, and her ability to parlay ZERO talent apart from aptitude at manipulating online social networks and the fact that she looks like she just stepped out of a hentai anime porn into some sort of Z-list fame, ISN'T a big faker and a mean-spirited cunt with a severe case of self-aggrandization.
I've been suspicious of Tila's slut credentials from day one of this show. For starters, all the contestants on this show sleep on one massive bed. If I had a bed populated with male model bodybuilder wannabes and lesbian strippers, priority numero uno would be effing each and every last one of them. So far, Tila's played coy, doing little more than some light making out with some of them. Nobody is watching this shit to see Tila process with these assholes: we want to see her act like the whore she's marketed herself as! Get with the orgy-having, already, because memo to Tila Tequila: you are not bisexual until you lick some snatch. Making out with girls and boobmashing does not count., because as the Post so astutely points out, you can get any bitch to do that if you feed her enough sea breezes. I cannot count the number of straight drunk girls I've made out with, and 99% of them did not wind up sitting on my face. Apparently at the "Welcome to Grad School, First-Years" party this year which I hosted as co-president of the grad school student body, instead of kissing babies I worked it politically by kissing 5 or 6 different girls who had been enjoying the open bar. People are still talking about the hot makeout sesh I publicly engaged in with this second-year who went to Mount Holyoke (Seven Sisters represent!). However, I didn't score any pussy that night, because all those girls ARE STRAIGHT! Making out with me doesn't make them bi.
I have a suggestion for MTV if they want to continue with the "Shot at Love" franchise since that duplicitous-ass bitch Tila won't dump her secret real-life boyfriend: PICK ME! Not only am I smarter and more witty than Tila, but I'll also show my boobs, get drunk on the regular, and give every last contestant a test drive in that giant bed. And I'm also cooperative, easy to work with, and actually bisexual, so there will be plenty of sincere hot girl-on-girl going on. I'll show up ready to craft some exquisite reality with a suitcase full of sex toys and a readiness to bring the drama by getting it on with everyone in sight. It's true that I only only have 600-something MySpace friends as opposed to Tila's two million, but if it's bisexual bachelorettes who know how to keep things lively you're looking for, I'm your girl, MTV!
Besides, MTV is going to need to make it up to their "Shot at Love" viewers who have devoted themselves to the adoration of Dani, the butch lesbian firefighter who is one of Tila's final three candidates. Specifically, LL Cool Jew and El Cyd, founding members of the Cult of Dani, will go ballistic when Tila breaks Dani's sensitive lesbian heart by noting that she's actually looking for a shot at cultural relevance as opposed to love, and will not be riding off into the sunset beside her in Dani's Subaru Outback. "A Shot at Casual Sex with Thirty-Two Unemployed Foodservice Employees and/or Exotic Dancers Of Both Genders with Razzy" is how MTV can make things right.
Labels: assholes, lezbollah, LL Cool Jew, media whores, MySpace, nudity, Razzification, sex, sluts, TV
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You know, Lauren Lazin, the vp of programming at MTV, is a Smithie. If you're serious about this (and I pray that you are), I'm sure it could happen.
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# posted by 
: 12/03/2007 12:10 PM
: 12/03/2007 12:10 PM Links to this post:
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