Thursday, January 24, 2008

 

Daily Douchebag: Gayelle


Name: Gayelle

Alias: Sapphysapphian

DOB: 2007

Occupation: the new, more confusing "lesbian"

Hometown: the galaxy of Gayelles

Current residence: the obscure internets

Douchebaggery: The dumb bitches who run sapphicchic.com have decided to create a website "built to catalyze a movement, a movement to define gay-females with an alternative-and-untainted-term; a new word, which is representative of an evolved society and a different time, an ultramodern and progressive one in which a free people, no longer support and or tolerate, the repressive attitudes and derogatory language that has become associated with words such as lesbian." Wait, how is "lesbian" associated with "repressive attitudes" and "derogatory language"? I like "lesbian" and all linguistic derivatives. Lesbian makes for some great language: lez, lesbo, lezbot, lezzie, lezbionic, leztastic, lesbadar, lezbollah, etc. I love the word "lesbian," and, despite the efforts of Rosie O'Donnell and every fat, crusty bitch who ever got her self-righteousness on at Smith's efforts to the contrary, I don't associate it with "repressive attitudes." I associate "lesbian" with hot girl-on-girl action! I definitely do NOT associate this "gayelle" crap with hot snatch-licking and hilarious word truncations. I associate "gayelle" with a bunch of hippie-dippy old dykes with nothing better to do than sit around drinking tea, deconstructing language, and inventing new things to get pissed about out of boredom Validating my suspicions are a series of essays, poems, and tedious short fiction about the genesis of the gayelle movement--if you can call a couple of fugly old bitches in batik skirts listening to Dar Williams and inventing new ways to be ridiculously pretentious about nothing a "movement."
The motivation that inspired the creation of a new word, meaning gay and female, is a long-standing and persistent distaste for the word lesbian. The invention of “gayelle” is with the idea and hope that it will have a worldwide appeal, and ultimately, supersede the word lesbian; a suitable replacement is necessary for positive language and the healthy self-esteem of the gay-female-population.
First off, "gayelle" does NOT have worldwide appeal. Gayelle doesn't do a damn thing for my self-esteem, and I don't know any lesbians who think it would be cooler to call themselves gayelles. I think "fagette" would have been a better choice, both because it doesn't sound--for lack of a better term--completely fucking gay, but it has a better ring to it. It's catchier.
The word lesbian is antiquated; it is not representative of modern times, and or, of persons with modern views. Lesbian does not sound cheerful and fun, nor does it mean merry, like the word gay does; rather, it sounds more like loner, loser, and less. Gay females deserve more, not less.
"Lesbian" may not sound cheerful or fun, but it doesn't sound like "loner, loser, and less" either. "Lesbian" makes me think of cunnilingus and hot naked tits, which makes me cheerful, sounds like fun, and implies great merrymaking. Gayelle sounds to me like "loner, loser, and less." It sounds like something a shut-in who is a loner on account of being a loser who gets less pussy than the average lesbian would come up with.
Moreover, the word lesbian is so frequently used derogatorily, that to be called a lesbian is almost tantamount to being called an offensive name. In a typical T.V.-sitcom scenario, a male character, oftentimes the lead, calls a female character who does not respond favorably to his overtures, “a lesbian,” in a disparaging tone and likewise demeanor, consistent with having the “f” word precede it as in, a “f-ing lesbian.” For this reason, especially, the word lesbian needs to be relegated to a definition that has derogatory implications, much like the words queer and faggot.
Okay, dudes sometimes do call bitches lesbians when their seduction attempts fall flat, but PLEASE. These same dudes are the same ones who call guys fags right before they indiscriminately beat their asses while drunk. Trust that they won't be incorporating "gayelle" into their lexicon anytime soon, and even if they do, they'll still call you a "fucking gayelle" when you shoot down their clumsy offers of sexual congress. Which they won't give you, because you're a busted old, pucker-faced dyke with a mullet, hairy armpits, and one of those jean jackets with a corduroy collar. Fucking lesbians.
The definition of the word gay, proves that for whatever reasons, it is a term that has increasingly become associated specifically with homosexual men. Notwithstanding that, it is apparent that both genders want to reserve a word that distinguishes each from the other. Thus, it seems pragmatic to start anew by using gayelle, instead of lesbian or gay, to represent the gay-female-population.
How is it pragmatic to ensure that people start adopting an entirely new made-up word? Wouldn't it just be easier to stick with lesbian? Gayelle sounds fucking stupid.
By choosing gayelle, the feminine factors in “the equation of who is gay and who is not” can reassert their interest in the word gay, as well as, assert a displeasure for the word lesbian. More importantly, however, to choose gayelle over lesbian, would demonstrate a form of action that, most assuredly, would be helpful in restoring the rightful dignity that belongs to the mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends, who have been victims of hatemongering and or a poorly-conceived joke, and or, a lack of sensitivity.
Again, who is upset about the word lesbian? This is the first I've heard about the overall dissatisfaction with "lesbian." And nobody is reclaiming their lost dignity by answering to gayelle. In fact, on account of it sounding idiotic and being completely fabricated, it actually reduces whatever shreds of dignity any given humorless, uptight lesbian with a chip on her shoulder about semantics possesses.
Gayelle is the logical and reasonable alternative, in that, it contains the words gay and elle (the French pronoun for “she”). Gayelle is a word that has relevance to our time, and it’s easy to say, as in the gay-gayelle community. Unlike the capitalized form of Lesbian, which is defined “a native or inhabitant of Lesbos,” and “of or pertaining to Lesbos;” gayelle and the capitalized form Gayelle, in essence, have the same meaning.
Because people often get very hung up when someone says "lesbian," as they're often confused as to whether or not you're talking about a muff diver or a Greek islander. I know that people often ask me to clarify which capitalization I would use if spelling it so they'll be able to properly distinguish what I'm talking about when I'm dishing about either box munchers or sexy locales in various classical tragedies and epics by Homer.
The choice is yours. Be hip and sapphic-chic with your preference for gayelle. Define this decade of the 21st-century with a new word and a new outlook. Go gayelle!
In short, NO. I have no intention to "go gayelle." It's more sapphictarded than sapphic-chic. Sapphic chic means hot short haircuts, overly geometrical eyeglass frames, and tailored power suits, not invented words that smack of Francophilia. Even worse, I have no intention either of adopting these crusty lezbots' term for me. Apparently "bisexual" makes me sound like a hermaphrodite rather than a big perverted slut, so they've coined a new title that will ostensibly help my self-esteem: hipshe.

Hipshe? HIPSHE? The day I walk into a bar and proclaim to the assorted potential sex partners populating it, "I am Razzy, and I'm a HIPSHE! Who wants to party?" is the day that I may as well cloister myself in a convent, because I'm never getting laid again with that attitude.
A word that does not include the word “sex,” is more acceptable language for any, other than an intellectual conversation. The present vernacular “bisexual,” as a word meaning persons who are attracted to and act upon that attraction to persons of the same and opposite sex, is misuse of the word bisexual as defined, “of both sexes; hermaphrodite,” in Webster’s Dictionary, 1940.
Why is not acceptable for my sexual orientation to be described using the word "sex"? That's what my bisexuality/hipsheness is all about: getting it ON! I know that I sound like an erudite, academic intellectual when I'm bragging about having threesomes, but I think that "sex" is acceptable to include in other conversations about my swinging both ways.
To label those of the above-stated orientation with a word that is synonymous with a word to distinguish one who is born with an anomalous biological condition involving the reproductive organs, is tantamount to saying that one would have to be a freak of nature to feel that sort of mixed desire. For those reasons, the word “bisexual” is a tasteless choice, and it is unfit for use in this context and in our politically – correct – society.
If these bitches are going to spend all their time coming up with new words to rectify the offenses caused by terms like "lesbian" and "bisexual," they might want to brush up on their punctuating. The use of commas in this material is so egregiously incorrect that it's impossible for me to regard the authors as any kind of linguistic experts. And if they suggest that "bisexual" implies "freak of nature," then why haven't they come up with a new, more acceptable term for being tranny? I mean, I don't think that being transgendered makes someone similar to the gear-shifting mechanism of a car, but that's what "tranny" means. By the same logic, transgendered persons should get a similarly stupid word as "gayelle" or "hipshe" to describe them!
Although bisexual is now defined “3. responsive to both sexes” in American Heritage College Dictionary, 3rd edition, it is nevertheless, necessary to find and adopt a suitable replacement. A well known name from antiquity, that has become associated with a woman’s desire for another woman, is Sappho. Therefore, a word or name that brings to mind the intriguing Sappho, seems a legitimate and likely candidate. The name Sapphy could be regarded as a modern and informal form of Sappho. Sapphian looks and sounds like it could mean “like Sappho.” And sapphysapphia is a combination, beautiful to say, but arguably, a bit lengthy for our sound bite – gigabite – world. On the other hand, the thirteen – letter – five – syllable sapphysapphia is made from only six different letters; in alphabetical order they make, ahipsy (a.hip.sy), which looks and sounds close to “a hip she,” hence the creation, hipshe.
Wait, I thought antiquated terms were problematic--hence the issue with lesbian. So why are these bitches suddenly dropping this crap about Sappho? And "sapphysapphian" is not "beautiful to say" unless you consider fabricated redundancy lovely. It sounds like either a she-sells-seashells-down-by-the-seashore tongue twister or the invention of a snatch who thinks she's got Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones's academic knowledge of antiquity because someone told her that Sappho liked to write poetry about sitting on bitches' faces. I'd rather be called switchyswitchhitter. It's equally cumbersome, but certainly more clear in its meaning.
Hipshe is a logical and practical choice with which to designate those females who have the capacity and moxy to act upon an attraction to those who are biologically similar to, as well as diametrically different from, themselves. Hipshe contains the words she and he, which makes it that much more apropos. What could be better and more hip that that?! Here’s to saying, bye bye to bisexual and thank you to sapphysapphia, from whence came the hip hipshe.
I can think of about ten thousand things that could be better and more hip than hipshe. If there is any word that makes getting down with both my special girlfriends and the fellas sound impossibly lame rather than hot and sexy, it's "hipshe." Hipshe doesn't suggest I have "moxy." It suggests that I'm a pain in the ass shrew more concerned with the vernacular than scoring hot pieces. Hipshe is not "logical and practical." It's the condensed homophone of another stupid, fake word nobody has ever heard of before, and it is probably the quickest means to ensuring that people think you are anything but hip. I'm not thanking any bitch for cooking up "sapphysapphia" and "hipshe" and insisting that I use this instead of "bisexual." In fact, I'm telling these hos busy inventing movements that nobody cares to join that they can shut the fuck up about what is logical and practical (like removing references to sex from discussions about sexuality). I'd rather answer to "freak" than "hipshe." "Skank," "trollop," "slut," "bitchfoxly trull" (I don't really know what that means but I read it in a history book about early America in reference to New York prostitutes working the Bowery) and "ho" would also be acceptable.

The day I hear anyone slinging terms like gayelle and hipshe is the day that I decide to embrace asexuality. I would rather never have sex again with anyone (perish the thought) than identify as a hipshe. Luckily, I don't think most of the general public is going to be swayed by the pages of piss-poor poetry (I wrote better material than that when I was fifteen, and my collected works of teenaged verse read like some unholy combination of Sylvia Plath and a Bikini Kill song on Benadryl) or short fiction they include on the site to "excite and entertain" prospective proponents of gayelle and hipshe. Somehow I don't see gayelle being on the tip of every twat-licking tongue anytime soon. Don't go gayelle!

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Comments:
UH... how are there NO comments to this masterpiece? I find this completely relevant and... HILARIOUS. Its rare for me to read a blog and find so many of my own thoughts typed before me. Gayelle. Fuck. Great Read... sorry no one bothered to comment on it... wait..7775np
 
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