Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Hayden Panettiere AGAIN
DOB: August 21, 1989
Occupation: actress, skank, obnoxious pro-whale zealot
Hometown: Palisades, New York
Current residence: getting her activist media ho on--anywhere there's an interview or someone with a camera and a YouTube account
Douchebaggery: A few months back, LL Cool Jew suggested that Hayden Panettiere get out of the whale-saving business and "get your ass to the Les Deux bathroom with your girlfriends, cell-phone-video yourselves shoving mounds of coke up your noses, flash your nana to the paparazzi, get arrested and entertain us like you’re supposed to" and/or "admit you’re a lesbian, because I know from experience that only honey-lovers dig on whales as much as you clearly do." Instead of heeding LL Cool Jew's wise words, Hayden decided to stick with her save-the-whales routine, and that's where shit got personal between the two of us.
If you read her sweatshirt closely in the above photograph, you'll notice that it instructs the reader to "boycott Japanese, Icelandic, and Norwegian goods." NORWEGIAN goods?! As in my ancestral fatherland? Are you kidding me, bitch? If you think I'm going to quit buying the occasional painted lefse stick or the odd Christmas tin of pickled herring, you are insane.
Being that my Nordic fatherland is kicking it somewhere in the neighborhood of the Arctic Circle, there aren't a lot of resources available. Whales are one of Scandinavia's few natural resources which can be exploited for commercial advantage, besides fucking reindeer, scratchy wool sweaters, and smoked fishes. So Hayden needs to mind her own business about Norway's fishing industry. They're just trying to make that money where they can. Yes, there's an international moratorium on whaling that Norway chooses to ignore, but it's not like Norwegian fisherman are causing their extinction. There has never been a huge market for whale meat in Norway, and Norway only kills somewhere around 500-1500 minke whales per year as part of a centuries-old whaling tradition, according to The Whaleman Foundation (Hayden's whale saving group of choice). Considering there are almost 200,000 minke whales swimming around the North Atlantic, and another 300,000-700,000 in the Southern hemisphere, it's not like they are going extinct from the efforts of a few random Norwegian fisherman catering to a specialty seafood market.
Furthermore, Norway has already sent several strongly worded letters of protest to the International Whaling Commission concerning the moratorium established on whaling in 1986. Norway has argued that although whaling isn't a big part of their economy, it is essential to the livelihood of some small farms and fisheries and is culturally important to coastal areas in northern Norway. Because Norway has rigorously tracked and monitored its minke whale population, they argue that it is sustainable, and although I am not a population biologist, this seems reasonable considering less than 1% of the world minke population is eliminated annually by whaling. It's not like this is 18th century Nantucket and every sperm whale in the ocean is finding itself on the business end of a harpoon; far more whales meet a natural death than one by whaleboat. Hayden needs to shut the fuck up and get back to licking random inanimate objects (ie: the Stanley Cup) and boning her overbearing 30-year-old costars, because those are the only matters she can speak of with any authority.
Hayden is especially annoying considering when she tried and failed to stop a traditional long-pole dolphin hunt in Japan a few months back, she was blubbering (pun intended) about how peaceful and cute all the soon-to-be-sushi dolphins were. She also reminded everyone that they are mammals, just like us. Well, last time I opened a book of Linnean taxonomy, the sheep that gave their lives for her hideous UGG boots were also in Order Mammalia. Rather than see her demanding we cease purchasing Australian exports on the grounds that they needlessly slaughter thousands of passive, cute, live birth-having, lactating sheep to make ugly surfer boots, Hayden just pulls on her sheepskins and lectures us about the whales with cozy feet. I guess since Hayden doesn't eat whale, it's more convenient to protest other cultures which might do so on a limited basis rather than ones that destroy thousands of innocent sheep.
She is lucky that this isn't the tenth century, because otherwise I'd settle this with her the Viking way. I'm not really sure what that is, but I would guess it means loading up a ship at Trondheim with my barbarian kinsmen and sailing up whatever fjord Hayden lives on to pillage and rape the shit out of those pikktrynes living in her village. Then we'd celebrate with a raging linje aquavit-fueled feast of minke whale. Man, I wish it was the tenth century.
Labels: celebrities, Daily Douchebag, media whores, sexy delicious animals, sluts, uff da
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Today, what you would do with that little bitch is to take her to Norway and taker her to one of those crazy Norwegian black metal concerts, the ones where the fuckers have their faces painted up and bring live farm animals (like sheep) onstage and butcher them right there and throw the body parts into the crowd, all the while blaspheming everything Christian that they can think of and blasting super hardcore black metal music at like 150 decibels.
That little girlie would be utterly unable to handle that scene at all and would probably be so traumatized that she would grab her dowry and hightail it to the neareset cloistered convent and beg the Mother Superior to protect her from what she just saw.
Maybe if this little cunt was getting fucked and sodomized and eating pussy and getting disciplined like she should be, she would not have her head all full of these silly notions and go bothering everyone with them.
That little girlie would be utterly unable to handle that scene at all and would probably be so traumatized that she would grab her dowry and hightail it to the neareset cloistered convent and beg the Mother Superior to protect her from what she just saw.
Maybe if this little cunt was getting fucked and sodomized and eating pussy and getting disciplined like she should be, she would not have her head all full of these silly notions and go bothering everyone with them.
Wow, Master Underground... You obviously don't have any kind of sexual fantasies about young Hayden at all do you?
When all's said and done, young famous kids usually go one of two ways. They p"ss it up the wall and act like morons, or they get very ernest and try to save the world. At least with the latter she's trying to do something positive and being a half decent person. Plus she's not stuck in a cellar somewhere, masterbating furiously for the sixth time today over the idea of Hayden "getting fucked and sodomized and eating pussy and getting disciplined like she should be".
You odd little person.
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When all's said and done, young famous kids usually go one of two ways. They p"ss it up the wall and act like morons, or they get very ernest and try to save the world. At least with the latter she's trying to do something positive and being a half decent person. Plus she's not stuck in a cellar somewhere, masterbating furiously for the sixth time today over the idea of Hayden "getting fucked and sodomized and eating pussy and getting disciplined like she should be".
You odd little person.
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: 10/12/2009 6:59 AM
: 10/12/2009 6:59 AM Links to this post:
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