Thursday, January 31, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Justin Long
DOB: June 2, 1978
Occupation: hawking Macs, trashing PCs, starring in shiteous movies, and sticking his dick into Drew Barrymore's fug ass
Hometown: Fairfield, Connecticut
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Douchebaggery: I LOATHE those "I'm a Mac, I'm a snotty, pretentious asshole" commercials promoting computers such as the one on which I am typing right now. Most of the time, I am very pleased with my MacBook. However, sometimes it's just as much of a pain in the ass as any other kind of computer. Yesterday, for example, I had to wait five hours while it failed to successfully migrate all my files from my work computer for a second time. After those five hours I had to move the files manually anyway because for whatever reason, the "Migration Manager" didn't like moving the mp3 file for "Yeah" by Big Kuntry King and cancelled out the entire process. If Justin Long had showed up and been all, "I'm a Mac, firewires are awesome," I would have punched him in his smug, smirking face.
Supposedly, Justin's condescending personification of a Mac computer is supposed to make me want to be Mac-snobby, as well. I will NEVER be one of those tools who runs around saying shit like "I have two gigs of RAM and I'm running Leopard" or the typical nobody-cares crap that Mac snobs generally spout off with little or no provocation. While Justin's performances on the silver screen are forgettable at best, his work in the Mac ads is inescapable for me, as I'm both a TV junkie and a Mac owner. I could ignore Herbie: Fully Loaded, but sadly, as I love my computer almost as much as my dogs, I'm not only confronted by Justin, but thanks to Apple's marketing department, I'm fucking REPRESENTED by him. Fuck!
Justin sucks and I hope his career tanks and Apple goes in a different direction with their advertising strategies. Now that he's mildly famous for his Mac commercials, he keeps showing up on my celebrity gossip webpages sucking face with none other than Drew Barrymore. I hate Drew Barrymore. Between her tormenting the world with filling its theater screens with shiteous romantic comedies and perfecting the Bassett Houndish expression that people seem to think is cute, Drew Barrymore is a permanent bane to our culture. I don't need more paparazzi footage and boring gossip about Drew Barrymore, and I sure as shit don't need said internet gossip to feature her sucking face with this Justin Long dipshit.
Besides, Justin Long went to Vassar. Actually, he dropped out of Vassar to play the love interest of the legendary Ms. Britney Spears in her cinematic classic Crossroads. Vassar breeds douchebags. Okay, so I know a few smart, cool people who went to Vassar, but they've got to be exceptions. Vassar is a veritable cavalcade of losers compared to the factory of awesomeness that is Smith Col--wait, what am I saying? Everyone knows that Smith College is not a "factory of awesomeness." More like "factory of ugly boobmashers listening to Melissa Ferrick and looking for stuff to complain self-righteously about." I shouldn't throw stones about him going to a college full of fugly bitches. So I can't hate on our co-ed Seven Sister Vassar too much, except to say that if Vassar's student body has as many losers as Smith's, then those are who Justin Long was probably hanging out with when he went there. He was probably involved with the Vassar equivalent of the Smith acapella group scene. What an asshole.
Labels: celebrities, computer incompetence, Daily Douchebag, Dumb Smith bitches, movies, you're ugly
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