Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: T-Pain
Name: Faheem Najm
DOB: June 30, 1985 (holy shit, T-Pain is only 22? I feel old.)
Occupation: second most hilarious R&B thug in the world
Hometown: Tallahassee, Florida
Current residence: Tallahassee, Florida
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: While Ray J is a sad imitation of greatness, an R&B singer who does currently meet my high and exacting standards is the amazing T-Pain, AKA Teddy Bend Her Ass Down AKA the Tallahassee hero. I've liked T-Pain ever since Angie Martinez asked him if the reason he relies so heavily on his auto tuner is because he can't sing during an interview on Hot97, and T-Pain audibly scoffed at her. T-Pain is like a funny amalgam of Pac Man Jones, the Predator, and a Claire's Boutique sunglasses display. This is sort of an old video, but as I watched it while getting material with which to douchebag Ray J, I realized that much like pizza, Coca-Cola, or multiple orgasms, it never goes out of style:
In this interview, T-Pain discusses five people he would NOT like to strip for him: Oprah ("she's wrinkly"), Pamela Anderson ("same reasons" as Oprah, and "even more hair"...T-Pain does NOT with a lush head of hair because he doesn't "like hair in his mouth"), video vixen Buffie the Body (he doesn't like "Hollywood bitches"), Alicia Keys (not only does she have too much hair, she has "a lot of bones" and he's not a fan of feeling "the ass bone"), and Kim Kardashian ("not many guys can go after Ray J...the man got a huge meat, man to man, no homo...the man is swangin"). This ushers in a soliloquy about Ray J's penis size, and about how while T-Pain's "shit is wide," Ray J has "length on him."
Then T-Pain describes the five women he WOULD like to strip for him. First is some broad named Shauna ("I get some head"), Lindsay Lohan ("I just like bad bitches--she's a bad girl"), Courtney Love ("I like girls that smoke cigarettes"), Melissa Ford ("I like short girls"), and "the old Britney" ("I would definitely toss that up"). T-Pain establishes that not only is his taste in women questionable (COURTNEY LOVE?!?!?!?!), but he is the silliest, most amusing musical comedian currently in the game besides the inimitable Robert Sylvester Kelly. If T-Pain and Kells EVER tour together trust that I will be in the front row. Teddy Bend Her Ass Down is the world's second greatest.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hilarious shit, hot dudes, Robert Sylvester Kelly
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