Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Licking snatch for dummies
I'm not calling her a dummy, but one of my friends has recently decided that she's a lesbian, and has looked to yours truly for some sage advice on how to get with the scene. While some of you are probably scoffing and thinking that this is the blind leading the blind, let me be the first to admit that while I suck at things like cohabitating and attending open mic nights and making tea and liking folk music, I am awesome at soliciting strangers for random dirty sex. Plus, while I am primarily a dick-jockey, I've certainly had my face in its fair share of female crotches, I have practical, experience-based knowledge of the technical aspects of banging broads, and I did go to Smith College. I'm better qualified than many to be a newbie dyke's lesbian mentor.
Anyway, this friend--who has another name on this site but who for this post I will call Twathopper (as in "you are learning, grasshopper," except about vaginas instead of kung-fu)--is doing the online dating thing and thanks to some of my tips about how to keep the bitches clamoring for her by being selective about returning game-spitting text messages, has some solid prospects for finally becoming "legit." A while ago, she told me she had finally made out with some straight girl at a bar and was thus "legit." I argued that her legitimacy as a lesbian was established a year before when she voluntarily had an article for Runner's World written by some dumb Brooklyn hipster she was jocking matted and framed as a just-because-you're-my-friend (sha) gift. That's about as lesbish as it gets short of showing up in a U-Haul with all your shit in it after two dates. Anyway, she was insisting that sucking straight girl face was a more tangible milestone to full-fledged dykehood than infatuated gift-giving, and I said that if she was going to dictate her lezzie status based on physical consummation, then it was high time she started kissing a different set of lips.
Now that she has some prospects thanks to my outstanding methods of reeling in chicks from the online WSW community, we discussed her next steps in a recent Gchat.
Anyway, this friend--who has another name on this site but who for this post I will call Twathopper (as in "you are learning, grasshopper," except about vaginas instead of kung-fu)--is doing the online dating thing and thanks to some of my tips about how to keep the bitches clamoring for her by being selective about returning game-spitting text messages, has some solid prospects for finally becoming "legit." A while ago, she told me she had finally made out with some straight girl at a bar and was thus "legit." I argued that her legitimacy as a lesbian was established a year before when she voluntarily had an article for Runner's World written by some dumb Brooklyn hipster she was jocking matted and framed as a just-because-you're-my-friend (sha) gift. That's about as lesbish as it gets short of showing up in a U-Haul with all your shit in it after two dates. Anyway, she was insisting that sucking straight girl face was a more tangible milestone to full-fledged dykehood than infatuated gift-giving, and I said that if she was going to dictate her lezzie status based on physical consummation, then it was high time she started kissing a different set of lips.
Now that she has some prospects thanks to my outstanding methods of reeling in chicks from the online WSW community, we discussed her next steps in a recent Gchat.
Razzy: dudeI figured there had to be something on the internets to provide simple, coherent instructions to convince Twathopper that cunnilingus is easy and fun. Sure enough, a quick Google search of "lesbian sex how-to" turned up some helpful sites.
Razzy: how is the solstice dating circuit treating you???
Twathopper: dude
Razzy: have you l'd any p yet???
Twathopper: i haven't l'd any p yet no not yet
Twathopper: but i did make out again
Razzy: well that's a start
Razzy: with the social worker? [RAZZY Note: We call this bitch either "social worker"--as that is her job--or "Sarah Babysits," because until Twathopper pimped up her texting game that was what she was always doing instead of getting busy with Twathopper.]
Twathopper: so i've got the making out down i think now
Twathopper: we'll see on friday i guess
Razzy: OOOOOOO, date?!?!
Twathopper: yes date on fri- she's staying over i think
Razzy: you better go dildo shopping thursday then!
Razzy: and trim those nails!
Twathopper: hahaha
Razzy: and shave your snatch--i totz hate getting a huge faceful of bush
Twathopper: i really have to trim my nails?
Razzy: YES
Razzy: YES
Razzy: YES
Twathopper: my snatch is always shaved
Razzy: i cannot emphasize that enough
Razzy: there is nothing
Razzy: NOTHING
Razzy: worse than getting FB'd by a chick with long nails
Razzy: ouch
Razzy: every time i see that in porn i just CRINGE
Razzy: i mean, you do know that you don't just like stick your finger straight in there, right?
Razzy: you want to do more of a beckoning motion
Twathopper: yes that i know
Razzy: that is ouchy with long nails
Razzy: i have had lots of stern conversations with my special GF about that
Twathopper: and i guess it would hurt the little guy too
Razzy: thank god she got the message
Razzy: i mean you can get away with it if you stick to external action only
Razzy: but who wants to limit herself in the sack?
Twathopper: i love my nails!
Razzy: well, learn to love celibacy then, because you ain't scoring repeat pussy with long nails
Twathopper: i'm also kinda hoping that maybe i can just follow her lead
Twathopper: or maybe just let her do all the stuff the first time- ha!
Razzy: NO!
Razzy: come on dude
Razzy: just because you are an amateur lez doesn't mean you have to act like it
Twathopper: ohh good point
Razzy: just get on in there and start working on your technique
Twathopper: yeah
Twathopper: but it's gonna be hard to l some p the very first time
Twathopper: maybe i'll just stick with hands
Twathopper: that i can handle
Twathopper: i mean i know i can handle that, the L'n P might be too much off the bat
Razzy: L'n p is easy
Razzy: http://people.ucsc.edu/~aaarons/lesbiansex101.htmlIt seems this fabled Friday sleepover date with Sarah Babysits last Friday was rescheduled for tonight, so to save Twathopper the trouble of digging through her Gchats archives for instructions on how to properly perform oral on a woman, she can just make her usual morning pitstop at RAZZY.org for the links. I'm just getting misty-eyed with pride about the prospect of Twathopper taking the final step to being "legit" and scoring some actual vagina. I can just picture the scene now. After huffing and puffing up the six flights of stairs one has to ascend to reach Twathopper's apartment, they'll pop in one of her old "Buffy" DVDs and put it on mute, crank the Tori Amos, light a few scented candles, and start the foreplay with a couple steaming mugs of chamomile and some intimate conversation about each other's emotions. Then a little light hand-holding will turn into awkward kissing which will turn into boobmashing which will turn into my little Twathopper flowering into the mature lesbian that she is like a lily in a Georgia O'Keefe painting. Blessed be. Go with Goddess, Twathopper! L that P!
Razzy: see? just go for the clit
Razzy: not too challenging
Razzy: ignore that last tip about not forgetting to cuddle
Twathopper: omg- i'm reading this and dying
Razzy: well, i guess you shouldn't ignore the cuddling part since sarah babysits seems mad solstice
Razzy: unlike me, she probably would have issues if she likened her partner to a hetero dude who just wants to roll over and go to sleep
Razzy: i have zero problem with that, or with being compared to a hetero dude myself
Twathopper: she is mad solstice
Razzy: here's another how-to site
Razzy: (and check the crusty-ass dyke who authored this...Kathy BELGE...REALLY?):
Razzy: http://lesbianlife.about.com/b/2005/08/16/lesbian-sex-tip-cunnilingus.htm
Twathopper: omg- w hat a huge lez!
Razzy: seriously
Razzy: she's totz captain of her softball team
Twathopper: for reals
Twathopper: and it seems she knows what she's talking about
Razzy: yes i get the feeling she does
Razzy: she's probably one of those anti-penetration lezzies
Razzy: who doesn't dig the strap-on
Razzy: obviously i have no problem involving dude-type stuff in my hot girl-on-girl
Razzy: including an actual dude
Twathopper: well i'm gonna need something b/c i know oral and fingers ain't gonna cut it
Razzy: but there's a lot of dykes who don't want anything slightly penis-y with their sex
Twathopper: lame
Razzy: need something? like a strap-on?
Razzy: go to fantasy world and pick one up
Razzy: or go to adamandeve.com
Razzy: they send you a free porn with sex toy orders
Razzy: that's where I bought my strap-on
Twathopper: wow i MUST save this chat b/c it will certainly come in handy in the future
Razzy: and 2-sided dildo
Razzy: i'll publish it on my blog
Twathopper: i'm gonna go have to read those things again on friday
Twathopper: but you smith chicks have made it much easier
Razzy: before you know it you'll be taking pictures of yourself running around in nothing but your harness like me
Twathopper: particularly you and jerseygirl
Twathopper: soooo thanks dude.
Razzy: no prob dude
Razzy: i didn't have a lesbian mentor when i was 15
Razzy: i had to learn the hard way
Razzy: so i'm happy to save you the trouble
Labels: correspondence, lezbollah, sex, Twathopper
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