Monday, January 28, 2008
Miss America STILL sucks
I had a very exciting weekend (read: in lab both days), and thus was able to flip to TLC on Saturday night to catch part of the Miss America pageant. I usually just stick to getting beauty pageant highlights, because those crazy bitches that compete in them are only entertaining offstage. Because Miss America has sucked for the past few decades (since its inception), their ratings have been waning, and this year they tried to "jazz" up the pageant to appeal to new audiences.
After watching five minutes of this, I deemed their effort to modernize Miss America as a total fucking failure. From what I can tell, they hired some loser from "Entertainment Tonight" (I guess Ryan Seacrest is doing Miss USA) to emcee, and put the bitches in jeans during the opening dance number. I guess jeans are an improvement from the coordinated dress outfits they used to wear during the "Parade of States" or whatever, which always looked like a Tina Knowles-designed cross between Tonya Harding's Lillehammer '94 Sergeant Pepper/disco ball skating costume and something that came out of Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan's evening formalwear closet. However, the pageant was still boring, so I flipped channels until it was time to announce the winner. I had to switch to "Rock of Love 2" reruns through the entire talent competition for fear of going murderously insane watching hookers tap dance around to appalling arrangements of Scott Joplin's jaunty ragtime favorites and listening to these broads caterwauling showtunes from yesteryear.
When I did change back to TLC for the finale and the "Here she is...Miss America" (which sounds just as not-jazzy as ever), I was disappointed to note that Miss Michigan beat out Miss Washington to win the crown. Miss Michigan looks just as boring as Miss America always does:
I mean, I'm sure she is a fucking lunatic off the stage. She has crazy in the eyes, and you know that underneath that Barbified exterior is a ruthless psychopath. She told the press later that she's a third-generation beauty queen, validating my suspicions about her mental condition. She comes from a family of dysfunctional nutcases. Her mom is an "active volunteer" in the pageant community (translation: stage mom from hell), and I can only imagine what sort of behind-the-scenes sabotage and extortion these two employed to get their hands on the crown. Sadly, unless Miss Michigan-now-America gets into coke or something, her reign as Miss America will probably be as forgettable as all her predecessors. Clearly, the organizers of the Miss America pageant still have a lot to do in order to make this shit timely or remotely interesting. I think it's time for them to get reckless. Their first order of business should be to hire Katie Rees as the head bitch in charge. Katie Rees is a pageant alum herself, and although she was unceremoniously booted from holding the title of Miss Nevada prior to the Miss USA pageant by Donald Trump, she knows how to deliver some compelling entertainment:
Now THAT is a Miss America pageant I would glue myself to the TV for. TLC and Miss America need to seriously consider this for next year. It would be a ratings juggernaut, and Katie Rees probably needs a job. It's a win-win! Trust!
After watching five minutes of this, I deemed their effort to modernize Miss America as a total fucking failure. From what I can tell, they hired some loser from "Entertainment Tonight" (I guess Ryan Seacrest is doing Miss USA) to emcee, and put the bitches in jeans during the opening dance number. I guess jeans are an improvement from the coordinated dress outfits they used to wear during the "Parade of States" or whatever, which always looked like a Tina Knowles-designed cross between Tonya Harding's Lillehammer '94 Sergeant Pepper/disco ball skating costume and something that came out of Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan's evening formalwear closet. However, the pageant was still boring, so I flipped channels until it was time to announce the winner. I had to switch to "Rock of Love 2" reruns through the entire talent competition for fear of going murderously insane watching hookers tap dance around to appalling arrangements of Scott Joplin's jaunty ragtime favorites and listening to these broads caterwauling showtunes from yesteryear.
When I did change back to TLC for the finale and the "Here she is...Miss America" (which sounds just as not-jazzy as ever), I was disappointed to note that Miss Michigan beat out Miss Washington to win the crown. Miss Michigan looks just as boring as Miss America always does:
I mean, I'm sure she is a fucking lunatic off the stage. She has crazy in the eyes, and you know that underneath that Barbified exterior is a ruthless psychopath. She told the press later that she's a third-generation beauty queen, validating my suspicions about her mental condition. She comes from a family of dysfunctional nutcases. Her mom is an "active volunteer" in the pageant community (translation: stage mom from hell), and I can only imagine what sort of behind-the-scenes sabotage and extortion these two employed to get their hands on the crown. Sadly, unless Miss Michigan-now-America gets into coke or something, her reign as Miss America will probably be as forgettable as all her predecessors. Clearly, the organizers of the Miss America pageant still have a lot to do in order to make this shit timely or remotely interesting. I think it's time for them to get reckless. Their first order of business should be to hire Katie Rees as the head bitch in charge. Katie Rees is a pageant alum herself, and although she was unceremoniously booted from holding the title of Miss Nevada prior to the Miss USA pageant by Donald Trump, she knows how to deliver some compelling entertainment:
Now THAT is a Miss America pageant I would glue myself to the TV for. TLC and Miss America need to seriously consider this for next year. It would be a ratings juggernaut, and Katie Rees probably needs a job. It's a win-win! Trust!
Labels: beauty queens, hot chicks, lezbollah, sluts, TV
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
