Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Rug burned
Last night I checked my mail and received one of the weirdest pieces of junk mail I've ever gotten. I was about to throw away the envelope covered with what I assumed were interest rates and temporary favorable terms for some credit card that would be my utter fiscal destruction, until I looked a little closer.
The front read:
The letter inside explained more:
They may look like reject extras from a vintage Breck shampoo ad, but they put great stock in the prayer rug method of wealth acquisition. And speaking of the prayer rug, I finally found it. Apparently over at St. Matthew's, a piece of paper constitutes a "rug."
Unfortunately, no matter how long I stared, I couldn't make Jesus open his eyes. I attribute this to either the fact that my prayer rug is broken, or my complete inability to solve Magic Eye puzzles. It has to be that, because there's no way Jesus wouldn't open his eyes for me. If he could, he'd probably be winking at me. You know JC picked up some game hanging with all those hookers back in the day.
Anyway, since I still had my doubts about the efficacy of the prayer rug. I decided to do a little experiment. Although St. Matt's prides itself on its 57-year history, my faith is considerably older. In fact, my religion has approximately 1950 years on St. Matthew's Churches. Since I've been praying the Catholic way my whole life and have yet to be on my knees in a church full of material blessings, I figure this can serve as a negative control for religious devotion that breeds copious overnight wealth. Being Catholic hasn't gotten me a lot besides the ability to metabolize unholy amounts of alcohol and solid blow job techniques. Let's see if St. Matt's can do better. Time for the power of the prayer rug versus the power of the Holy See!
First, I said a full decade of Hail Marys using my trusty rosary. I would have said the whole rosary, but I was watching TV and I can't remember the damn Apostle's Creed. I suppose I could have looked it up, but let's face it: ten Hail Marys might as well be fifty plus some extra Our Fathers and Glory Bes. And nothing happened, anyway. For example, a slutty team of lipstick lesbian models and professional football players didn't show up with a check for a million dollars after rocking the beads off my rosary with the devout piety of my prayer.
Next, I decided to do this prayer rug meditation routine. I elected to kneel on it, which is a position that comes naturally for me. In fact, I decided to get really comfortable to ensure maximal transduction of energy between my prayer rug, St. Matt's church, and God. I figured that my assuming what is a relaxed and secure position for myself could only help my energy beam reach as far as Oklahoma. And heaven.
Unfortunately, after holding this pose for a few minutes, the only blessing I felt I had received was that my Heineken was still cold. I asked God to pretty much hook me up with lots of money, ice, and a fleet of whips to show-stop around town in, and wrapped it up. I got up to stretch, and was just about to dig my Bible from its burial site beneath books about seamen, infectious disease, serial killers, and classic mythology to put the prayer rug in. Upon my vacating the prayer rug, a new tenant moved promptly in:
Either Caesar has some blessings to request from upper management, or a major souce of variability has been introduced into my impeccably designed scientific experiment. The letter didn't say anything about whether or not it was okay for one's big, goofy dog to get in on the praying action. It's probably not. After all, "God sees."
Since Caesar decided to meddle with my comparative study of Catholic praying versus St. Matthew's Churches praying, it was basically irretrievably fucked, so I tossed aside the prayer rug and went back to beer drinking and TV-watching. I totally don't have a stamp to mail back the prayer rug or the money to sow a seed at St. Matthew's, but oh well. Hopefully God will find it in his heart to forgive me and hit me with a blast of holy blessing power (ie: a check with lots of zeroes).
Besides, I don't feel all THAT bad about not seeing the prayer rug method through to its completion and reaping the benefits. I'm not sure that 46 grand would have appeared out of thin air even if I had bothered to tuck my prayer rug into my New Testament. I decided to crack open the secret prophecy that I wasn't supposed to look at until the prayer rug was safely on its way back to Tulsa. In spite of the fact that lengthwise it was a damn novel, there were precious few predictions about my future in it. Basically, the only one I could see was "As you remain faithful in your seed sowing into my kingdom, surely you shall be blessed." In other words, I'll be blessed in a to-be-determined way after I hook St. Matt's up with some cold, hard cash. Obviously, that prophecy is WAY off.
I think I'll just stick to munching rugs rather than praying on them. That's more fun, anyway.
The front read:
YOUR HOME FIRST!Loans? Like there's a check inside? Like some church has decided to randomly loan me money? That seems legitimate. I was intrigued. I flipped over the envelope and read the back:
Sunday--January 2008
This very old church loans this to you, to bless someone connected with this home. Then, it must go to another family that desires God's blessings. See letter inside...
Dear Jesus,Hmmm...what is this "Saint Matthew's Churches" of Tulsa, Oklahoma? And why have they singled me out for the benefit of their prayer? I like the sound of this imminent financial blessing I'm about to receive. Plus, the liberal use of boldfacing certainly implies excitement. I better open this letter so that I get "the desires of my heart."
We pray that you will bless someone in this home spiritually, physically, & financially. And please dear Lord, bless the one who's hands open this letter. Make good changes in this one's life and give them the desires of their heart. We pray over and bless this letter in your Holy Name. Amen.
The letter inside explained more:
LET THIS BE THE BEST YEAR OF YOUR LIFE THROUGH FAITH AND PRAYER.GOD IS READY TO HELP YOU REACH YOUR DREAMS AND GOALS.
Dear...Someone Connected with This Address,Okay, I'll do that. If God is suddenly in the loan sharking-by-mail business, I'm curious to know more about his deal brokers at St. Matt's. And I am Someone Connected with This Address, in that I live here. I'll read on.
READ WHAT GOD IS DOING HERE AT SAINT MATTHEW'S CHURCH.
People just like you are writing to this 57-year-old church, telling us of all types of blessings since this church started praying with them. They are receiving divine help in the form of answered prayer. Some are seeing loved ones saved, and many of them are receiving spiritual, physical, and financial blessings of all types (III John 2, Philippians 4:19)--better jobs, raises in salaries, being able to buy and sell homes, buying new cars, and so on. Actually, these dear people are receiving so many blessings that it is impossible to mention them all in a letter. Read the enclosed brochure on how a Sister used the same type of Bible faith prayer rug that we are sending to you with this letter, and how she was blessed with $46,000.00! Now, we must talk to you about something we see, in the Holy Spirit, concerning you and your family's needs.FORTY SIX GRAND?! From God? Holy shit. Talk to me, St. Matt's.
GOD'S HOLY BLESSING POWER IS IN THE ENCLOSED ANOINTED PRAYER RUG OF FAITH WE ARE LOANING YOU TO USE!!!Jeez, this sounds really urgent...and confusing. Where is this rug they mentioned? And how does it work? I'm a little skeptical, since God hasn't seen fit to bless them with knowledge of how to properly place a comma. I also don't like the fact that I was just returning to my tenement for a relaxing evening with my good friend, Television, and now I'm all of a sudden on a TV-free, rigid 24 hour agenda involving God and some kind of special carpet. This better be worth it. I mean, I want something very wonderful to come to me, but the prospect of my harnessing "God's holy blessing power" with this fabled prayer rug is raising some red flags over in the Razzy Bullshit Detection Department.
WE MUST GIVE YOU THIS OPPORTUNITY FIRST...THEN IT MUST GO TO THE HOME OF ANOTHER DEAR FRIEND WHO NEEDS A BLESSING...You, or someone connected with this address, and another dear family are about to be blessed through this unusual, Bible Faith, Church, Prayer Rug, which we are placing in your care for these next 24 important hours. Because of any needs you are facing, we want you to use this Church Prayer Rug first, then we must pass it on to another dear friend of ours who also needs a blessing. As we pray for you and everyone connected with this address, WE FEEL THAT SOMETHING VERY WONDERFUL IS TRYING TO COME TO YOU.
When you use this Biblical Faith Church Prayer Rug, go into a room where you can be alone (just God and you). Turn off the television and radio and try to be by yourself when you kneel on this Holy Ghost, Bible Prayer Rug, or spread it over your knees. We want this Church Ministry, Prayer Rug to be touching both of your knees as you pray for the needs you are facing right now. It is going to be like you are kneeling before God All Mighty at the altar inside a great church of blessings. If you need more joy, peace, health, money, a new car, a new house, healing in family communication, or whatever, we as a very old (57 years) church, want to know about it. Check your prayer needs on page two of this letter. Talk to us. This power you and this church ministry are about to use works! (St. Matthew 18:19)Kneeling before "God All Mighty" in a church full of blessings sounds to me like a good night in a bar bathroom. If that is all it takes to get joy, peace, health, money, a new car, a new house, healing in family communication and whatever, I'm suddenly newly confident in my ability to put this Holy Ghost, Bible Prayer Rug to good use.
These next 24 important hours are crucial to you. Timing is important to God. After you kneel on this Church Prayer Rug, or place it over your knees, place it in a Bible, on Philippians 4:19. (If you don't have a Bible, it's okay--just slide it under your side of the bed, for tonight, if you can. If you can't do this, it is okay.) Leave It There No Longer Than Tonight Only! God sees. Then, in the morning it is a must that you get this unusual blessing Church Prayer Rug out of this house and back to us, here at the church's chapel prayer room, in faith. We must also have this letter back, with whatever you need prayer for, printed on page two. You must get this Bible Prayer Rug back to us so we can rush it onto another family that's in need of a blessing. Do this without fail. Please, do not break this flow of power between us.Okay, okay...this is complicated, but whatever. I actually even have a Bible.
Notice the face of Jesus on this Church Prayer Rug. When you first look, you will notice that His eyes are closed. If you relax and continue looking straight into His eyes, you will see His eyes slowly opening, and He will begin looking back at you. Jesus sees your needs (Philippians 4:19). Use this unusual, important, Church Prayer Rug for tonight only.Whoa, an interactive Jesus is on the prayer rug. That sounds trippy. How did they fit a prayer rug into a damn envelope? Hopefully this informative missive will inform me of that next.
Let us ask you: Would you like to have God's blessings upon your home, your family and your finances? Say, "Yes, Lord Jesus, I do need Your financial blessings upon me and my family's finances (Deuteronomy 28:6). Just put a mark by your needs below, telling us that you want prayer. Also, check any other needs you are facing. Pray about sowing a seed gift to the Lord's work. Give God your best seed and believe Him for His best blessing (St. Luke 6:38).Uh oh, this sounds like the catch in this whole deal. "Sowing a seed gift" actually means "open your wallet to the Lord," and that I don't do. Okay, I put a few ducats in the collection box at Mass, but that's about it. I don't just write checks to the church. If this whole "financial blessing" is conditional upon my monetary investment, then fuck a prayer rug!
Dear Jesus, help this one get their best seed to sow towards their coming harvest (Galatians 6:7). We pray in Thy Name. Amen.
Now, go and use this Church, Faith, Prayer Rug. The Lord is watching and waiting, by faith. You are about to enter the Holy Spirit of God right here in your home, through this faith exercise. Then, it is a must that you return it for another to use.Oooo! Secret prophecy?! Well, now I'm definitely going to do this prayer rug business and follow my faith, Holy Ghost instructions, if only to get the equivalent of a Jesus freak fortune cookie. I checked out the testimonials and I have to admit that they sound pretty convincing, at least if you're willing to assume these people from the 1970s are credible witnesses:
Friends of Jesus for 57 Years of Glorious Service!
Saint Matthew's Churches Bishops
P.S. Read your faith, Holy Ghost instructions on the enclosed, sealed prophecy, only after you have mailed this Prayer Rug back to the church.
They may look like reject extras from a vintage Breck shampoo ad, but they put great stock in the prayer rug method of wealth acquisition. And speaking of the prayer rug, I finally found it. Apparently over at St. Matthew's, a piece of paper constitutes a "rug."
Unfortunately, no matter how long I stared, I couldn't make Jesus open his eyes. I attribute this to either the fact that my prayer rug is broken, or my complete inability to solve Magic Eye puzzles. It has to be that, because there's no way Jesus wouldn't open his eyes for me. If he could, he'd probably be winking at me. You know JC picked up some game hanging with all those hookers back in the day.
Anyway, since I still had my doubts about the efficacy of the prayer rug. I decided to do a little experiment. Although St. Matt's prides itself on its 57-year history, my faith is considerably older. In fact, my religion has approximately 1950 years on St. Matthew's Churches. Since I've been praying the Catholic way my whole life and have yet to be on my knees in a church full of material blessings, I figure this can serve as a negative control for religious devotion that breeds copious overnight wealth. Being Catholic hasn't gotten me a lot besides the ability to metabolize unholy amounts of alcohol and solid blow job techniques. Let's see if St. Matt's can do better. Time for the power of the prayer rug versus the power of the Holy See!
First, I said a full decade of Hail Marys using my trusty rosary. I would have said the whole rosary, but I was watching TV and I can't remember the damn Apostle's Creed. I suppose I could have looked it up, but let's face it: ten Hail Marys might as well be fifty plus some extra Our Fathers and Glory Bes. And nothing happened, anyway. For example, a slutty team of lipstick lesbian models and professional football players didn't show up with a check for a million dollars after rocking the beads off my rosary with the devout piety of my prayer.
Next, I decided to do this prayer rug meditation routine. I elected to kneel on it, which is a position that comes naturally for me. In fact, I decided to get really comfortable to ensure maximal transduction of energy between my prayer rug, St. Matt's church, and God. I figured that my assuming what is a relaxed and secure position for myself could only help my energy beam reach as far as Oklahoma. And heaven.
Unfortunately, after holding this pose for a few minutes, the only blessing I felt I had received was that my Heineken was still cold. I asked God to pretty much hook me up with lots of money, ice, and a fleet of whips to show-stop around town in, and wrapped it up. I got up to stretch, and was just about to dig my Bible from its burial site beneath books about seamen, infectious disease, serial killers, and classic mythology to put the prayer rug in. Upon my vacating the prayer rug, a new tenant moved promptly in:
Either Caesar has some blessings to request from upper management, or a major souce of variability has been introduced into my impeccably designed scientific experiment. The letter didn't say anything about whether or not it was okay for one's big, goofy dog to get in on the praying action. It's probably not. After all, "God sees."
Since Caesar decided to meddle with my comparative study of Catholic praying versus St. Matthew's Churches praying, it was basically irretrievably fucked, so I tossed aside the prayer rug and went back to beer drinking and TV-watching. I totally don't have a stamp to mail back the prayer rug or the money to sow a seed at St. Matthew's, but oh well. Hopefully God will find it in his heart to forgive me and hit me with a blast of holy blessing power (ie: a check with lots of zeroes).
Besides, I don't feel all THAT bad about not seeing the prayer rug method through to its completion and reaping the benefits. I'm not sure that 46 grand would have appeared out of thin air even if I had bothered to tuck my prayer rug into my New Testament. I decided to crack open the secret prophecy that I wasn't supposed to look at until the prayer rug was safely on its way back to Tulsa. In spite of the fact that lengthwise it was a damn novel, there were precious few predictions about my future in it. Basically, the only one I could see was "As you remain faithful in your seed sowing into my kingdom, surely you shall be blessed." In other words, I'll be blessed in a to-be-determined way after I hook St. Matt's up with some cold, hard cash. Obviously, that prophecy is WAY off.
I think I'll just stick to munching rugs rather than praying on them. That's more fun, anyway.
Labels: Caese Doggy Dogg, Catholicism, correspondence, Dear God, intentional buffoonery, Razzification
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Angie,
I GOT THE SAME THING LAST WEEK!!!!! LOL. Someone from our past must have signed us up for correspondence from St. Matt's. I thought this was a total joke, but after reading the testimonials and fine print (send money), I just tossed it and dismissed it as another Nigerian-style money scam. Go figure.
I GOT THE SAME THING LAST WEEK!!!!! LOL. Someone from our past must have signed us up for correspondence from St. Matt's. I thought this was a total joke, but after reading the testimonials and fine print (send money), I just tossed it and dismissed it as another Nigerian-style money scam. Go figure.
# posted by 
: 1/08/2008 2:46 PM
: 1/08/2008 2:46 PM
You're wrong. A miracle did occur. You actually looked fuckable in the picture with the Heineken. Then again, it could have been the presence of beer in the photograph. Or the presence of beer next to me while I viewed it. I love beer.
Also, your dog is awesome. Not the small, obstinate, Chinese one. The big, friendly, German one. I hope the good Lord heeds all his canine prayers.
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Also, your dog is awesome. Not the small, obstinate, Chinese one. The big, friendly, German one. I hope the good Lord heeds all his canine prayers.
# posted by : 1/09/2008 2:09 AM
: 1/09/2008 2:09 AM Links to this post:
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