Friday, February 01, 2008
Daily Douchebag: the New England Patriots...AGAIN
DOB: 1960, but the modern era of the Patriot scourge began in 2000 when Bill Belichick signed on as head coach
Occupation: existing as the most hateworthy team in the history of professional football next to the 2005 Shitsburgh Stealers
Hometown: Boston, Assachusetts
Current residence: Glendale, Arizona
Douchebaggery: I HATE THE FUCKING PATRIOTS SO GODDAMN MUCH! I really, really, deeply, wholeheartedly LOATHE them. All season I've been channeling as much negative energy in their direction as possible. They continued to dominate. I've douchebagged them on my blog. They kept winning. I've talked all sorts of smack to every Pats fan that has crossed my path. They won and bragged about it. I made an ill-advised wager on the Patriots-Dolphins game in week 16 that resulted in my public humiliation. Ultimately I threw a few Hail Marys of my own in the form of prayers to Jesus, Mary, God the Father, the Holy Spirit, and every saint I could think of to intervene and teach them some humility. The Pats had a perfect season. Not even Jude, patron saint of hopeless causes, could hook a bitch up with a solitary Pats loss. And now those assholes are going to the Super Bowl.
I hate the insufferably obnoxious Patriots fans, who are right up there with Yankees fans for me. I hate everyone affiliated with the team in any way. I hate Bill Belichick's unethical, taciturn, slovenly ass. I hate Tom Brady, I hate Randy Moss, I hate Tedy Bruschi, I hate Stephen Gostkowski, I hate Mike Vrabel, I hate Rodney Harrison, and I even hate Junior Seau! I hate Bob Kraft and I hate Scott Pioli and I hate Pat Patriot and I even hate the cheerleaders! I HATE THEM ALL! Why? I don't even really know. I just know that I do.
Obviously, come Sunday I will be rooting for the Giants. This will be challenging for me, because while I don't hate the Giants with the same vitriolic gusto that I reserve for the Patriots, Colts, and Stealers, the Giants have historically been one of my go-to teams for mocking. Encouraging Eli Manning to be sharp, perceptive, and awesome goes against my instinct for having fun at his Fetal Alcohol Syndrome-having expense. This ambivalence is reflected here in a recent Gchat I had with LL Cool Jew:
LL Cool Jew: don't mean to interrupt you again but i had to share this tidbit from the nyt story on eli manning and his upbringing:It goes against everything natural in my world to wish success on a member of the Manning family, but I will root for FAS and love every minute that I see his slack-jawed dullard face so long as he runs up the score against the Patriots. The Pats MUST lose! The amount of aggressive arrogance that will emerge from New England if they actually win the Super Bowl could well be powerful enough to destroy the entire planet.
LL Cool Jew: It was not the first time Manning and his mother had bonded over stories. Long before he learned to read defenses, Manning struggled to decipher Dr. Seuss. “I had trouble reading,” he said.
LL Cool Jew: what a surprise.
LL Cool Jew: xoxo
Razzy: PRICELESS
Razzy: classic FAS
LL Cool Jew: how hilarious is it
LL Cool Jew: he scored a 39 out of 50 on the Wonderlic test
LL Cool Jew: which i just took
LL Cool Jew: and scored 100percent on in less than 5 minutes
Razzy: LOL
LL Cool Jew: even with my weak quantitative skills dude
Razzy: that is AWESOME
LL Cool Jew: have you taken it? it is SO DUMB
Razzy: what's wonderlics, precious, eh?
LL Cool Jew: it's apparently the intelligence test the nfl administers to draft prospects!
LL Cool Jew: how about peyton scored 11 points LOWER THAN ELI
Razzy: are you kidding????
LL Cool Jew: that's what the nyt article said!!
Razzy: how did i not know about this?
LL Cool Jew: i'm not sure!
Razzy: dude i'm bringing this up from now on EVERY TIME someone is like "peyton manning has such a sharp mind"
[Two minutes later]
Razzy: dewd i just scored 100% on the wonderlic test in less than 2 minutes
Razzy: i'm so much smarter than brian griese
Razzy: and both bros manning
Razzy: combined
LL Cool Jew: omg right??
Razzy: dude i should be a nfl QB
Razzy: too bad i'm not a boy :(
Razzy: i'm even smarter than steve young and dan marino
Razzy: and brett favre and drew bledsoe
LL Cool Jew: i take it you took teh test
LL Cool Jew: it's amazing these people can't answer these kinds of questions.
Razzy: oh yes
Razzy: 50, baby!
Razzy: i'm used to taking harder IQ tests
Razzy: this is like easier than the SAT
LL Cool Jew: i know!
LL Cool Jew: even I could do it1
Razzy: brett favre only got a 22
LL Cool Jew: that is so mississippi dude
Razzy: HA marcus vick, michael's bro, scored ELEVEN
LL Cool Jew: how is that even possible
LL Cool Jew: you have to not even try
LL Cool Jew: the wonderlic.
LL Cool Jew: hilarity
Razzy: it's pathetic dude
Razzy: but it proves you don't have to be smart to succeed as a nfl qb
Razzy: and smarts don't guarantee good performance on field
Razzy: cases in point:
Razzy: alex smith
Razzy: jp losman
Razzy: joey harrington scored in the high 30s
Razzy: meanwhile, david garrard got a whopping 14
LL Cool Jew: yeah, and who the f are they
LL Cool Jew: they ain't leaders of men, that's for sure
Razzy: don't forget sage rosenfels with 32
Razzy: (rosenfels=i think he's a jew!)
Razzy: michael vick=20
Razzy: i'm surprised it's that high
Razzy: arrrgh, tom brady did comparatively well at 33
Razzy: hate hate hate
LL Cool Jew: ew of course he did mr perfect
Razzy: whatever, we got 50!
Razzy: ha, tom brady!
Razzy: we're smarter than tom brady
Razzy: stupid dumb tom brady
Razzy: and whatever tom brady
Razzy: FAS Manning got a 39!
At least the Boston Globe's premature confidence in victory bodes well. This was on Amazon yesterday, until it got pulled after the Boston sports blogs went batshit crazy about it being the biggest jinx of all time.
GO GIANTS!
Labels: Assachusetts, assholes, Daily Douchebag, fuck the Mannings, fuck the Pats, NFL football
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And that damn Patriot team will be remembered even longer if they LOSE late in the game than if they win it all. Screw'em. I used to was a Bills fan, but they broke my heart to often. Let them be Giants!
And what you fail to mention is how the Giants had a book like that too.
Grow up, princess. No one likes a bitch.
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Grow up, princess. No one likes a bitch.
# posted by 
: 2/02/2008 2:23 AM
: 2/02/2008 2:23 AM Links to this post:
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