Monday, February 25, 2008
Daily Douchebag: people who were at the Oscars because WHY?
Names: Jessica Alba, Miley Cyrus, Katherine Heigl
DOB: various
Occupation: inexplicably popular fuckwit actors who aren't good enough to get invited to the Oscars by being nominated for anything, but they get invited anyway
Hometown: various
Current residence: Kodak Theater, Los Angeles, California
Douchebaggery: It's bad enough that I have to hear about these assholes all the time on the gossip internets, but I thought I could rely on the Oscars to be relatively free of talentless dipshits. All the events and premieres every other day of the year are populated with the likes of Disney Channel stars and skanks from "Grey's Anatomy," but usually at the Oscars they clear out this riffraff in favor of admirable broads like Cate Blanchett, Dame Helen Mirren, and Tilda Swinton. Unfortunately, this year it seemed like there was an excessively lengthy parade of dumb bitches with no good reason whatsoever for being there other than to piss me off: Miley Cyrus, Katherine Heigl, and Jessica Alba were everywhere acting like idiots. What, no invitation for Jessica Simpson, Spencer and Heidi, or the Olsen twins?
I can't even see what the producers' reasoning for bringing these twats onstage was. None of these hookers were associated in any way with a movie actually nominated for an award.Katherine Heigl is an unappealing shrew who thus far has made one comedy movie (unless you count her repertoire of made-for-TV, not-even-good-enough-to-be-a-"SciFi original movie" films), and when she's not stinking up the small screen on "Grey's Anatomy," she's generally nagging and/or whining about something to the press. On this occasion, she did nothing save somehow simultaneously channel the spirits of Meredith Baxter Birney playing Elyse Keaton in "Family Ties", a Christmas decoration, and a call girl from the 80s on her way to get bukkaked by a gang of Japanese businessmen. Not even the cocksucker red lipstick can make her seem like a good time. Jessica Alba was good for pretty much one thing: looking hot. Now that she's pregnant, getting awfully fat in the face, and even more idiotically self-righteous and grouchy than usual, she's managed to achieve total uselessness. And Miley Cyrus? MILEY CYRUS? Since when do the Oscars mandate the presence of Hannah Fucking Montana showing up to mug her deflating blow-up doll face for the cameras on the red carpet? As the Oscars reminded us constantly, there are a billion people watching it, so it's not like they need her to pull in the lucrative tween consumer demographic. I imagine she probably got invited so one of the producers could get their kids tickets to her concert or something. Apparently parents kill each other over these things, so I wouldn't put it past them to invite her ass to the Oscars for the (far inferior to the aborted R. Kelly/Jay-Z tour of the same name) "Best of Both Worlds" show. Still, all these hookers were at the Oscars WHY? It's a sad day for film when Dame Judi Dench has to give up her seat to Jessica Alba.
On the bright side, at least Paris Hilton wasn't there.
Labels: celebrities, Daily Douchebag, media whores, movies, sluts
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