Thursday, February 28, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Star magazine
DOB: sired by Rupert Murdoch in 1974
Occupation: printing the world's most outrageously false celebrity gossip (well, next to News of the World, anyway)
Hometown: New York, New York
Current residence: New York, New York
Douchebaggery: As far as the gossip rags go, Star is probably the most unbelievable and ridiculous. Look at this week's cover above. Of the three stories there, the only one I buy is that J. Lo was a high-maintenance pain in the ass while popping out her corpse babies on Long Island last week. Star has been reporting the engagement of Brangelina for two years now, so I hardly think that this time around Brad Pitt really is going to make an honest sanctimonious media whore out of Angelina Jolie. Even less believable is that the legendary Ms. Britney Spears is pregnant with Adnan Ghalib's bastard. For one thing, calling a "bump alert" on Brit-Brit isn't breaking news, considering she's been building that FUPA with massive volumes of Starbucks, Cheetos, and Taco Bell for the past year and a half. We all saw it fully uncovered during Britney's VMA performance last fall, and it's common knowledge that Britney's belly contains the residue of countless Frappuccinos rather than a developing fetus. For another, "Brit's revenge on Jamie-Lynn"? Even if Britney is knocked up rather than just bloated as usual, how is that somehow meting out vengeance against her younger white trash sister? I guess Jamie-Lynn stole the media circus from Britney for all of one week when she whored out her sordid tale of teen pregnancy to OK! magazine, but otherwise, I can't think of any reason why Britney would be thirsty for payback against her little sis.
Granted, I read plenty of unsubstantiated celebrity gossip. I don't get too bent out of shape when Perez Hilton or Michael K. from Dlisted report something that turns out to be untrue, so why should I hold Star to a higher standard? Simply put, I don't have to pay to read fake shit on the internets, while Star wants me to fork over $3.50 for it! That is BULLSHIT. I shouldn't have to pay to read fabricated scandal--no matter how tantalizing--when I can get the same product for free. Also, as long as they're going to make things up, how about some variety? I've been hearing this same tired "Brad and Angelina are finally getting married" and "Britney is pregnant/suicidal/married/etc." from them practically every week. These stories are older and more used than a middle-aged Tijuana hooker. Come up with some new conjecture, already. In the meantime, I'm so NOT buying a copy of Star.
Labels: Britney Spears, celebrities, Daily Douchebag, I'm Not Buying It, media whores, retard rage
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