RazzyBlog

From: SlavinLabor (slabor@horribleacademiclab.edu)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)

Fridays are important to me for a couple of reasons:
1. Friday afternoon at four marks the longest amount of time during the week that I won't have to see asshole sub-par co-workers of mine.
2. It's the day my People magazine arrives.

I usually spend a good amount of time devouring the magazine on Saturday and since it was raining and the dog got me up early for no particular reason other than to shop for a place to poo in the pouring rain therefore assuring I got soaked while she managed to stay drier than me under the umbrella (btw LOVED the pictures of CHINGY! in his Deadliest Catch gear--love Deadliest Catch all the way around) I got started on my People magazine a little bit earlier than usual.

I threw up a little bit in my mouth when this week's cover story is butt-fuck ugly ass Tori Spelling spilling little tid-bits about her forthcoming "tell all" (i.e. she "told all" to some ghostwriter because she's too dumb to put two words together to form a complete sentence) entitled: "sTori Telling" yet another cute play on her name not un-like her 10 episode long "So NoToriOus" series that ran on VH1 a couple of years back. Seriously, she needs to stop with the fucking play on words
with her name. There she was on the cover of my People with her genetically mutated kid who I'm sure she whored out for some dinero because, as I learned later on in the article, she's flat broke, pushing out her pregnant belly for the whole world to see therefore proclaiming, "Look, my husband has definitely had sex with me at least twice, he was probably drunk both times".

I did learn a couple important Bev-Niner related facts in the article that I thought I'd pass on to you:

1. She fucked Brian Austin Green, best white rapper ever, in real life on and off for a couple of years.
2. She confirmed the boob job and fucked up nose job that we've all known she's had but she finally just admitted to. She regrets the boobs, not the nose. Really?
3. As confirmed via picture, Shannen Doherty, a "bad influence," did the deed with Mark Wahlberg during his "Marky Mark" days.
4. (My personal favorite) Luke Perry's nickname for her was: "Camel" because, according to her "she has really long eyelashes". O.K. she's in major denial here. Did Dylan every confirm that or is that just her coming up on the only positive spin for why someone would call another person Camel? Maybe it could be because she rocked the camel toe so much in those Donna Martin outfits or because her face looks not unlike a camel's? I mean, really, is that the best plastic surgery Daddy could afford?

I also learned through the fascinating article that her Mom hated her from pretty much the moment she popped her out of that vadge of hers (maybe she took one look at her and wanted to put her back in). She openly cheated on that poor first husband of hers and had ZERO regret the morning after plus made her therapist tell him the marriage was over. She cried when she learned Daddy only gave her a cool million in the will because "he had no sense of money--he would spend a million dollars on a necklace for my mother" (wouldn't that give him a sense of money?), she loves her new husband that she met on some Lifetime movie set, they have some crap bed and breakfast. Blah, blah, blah.

Thought I'd pass those facts along to you and if you're looking for someone to Douchebag this week, I'd highly recommend Tori Spelling--she has (insert sad violin music here), after all, had to learn to live without the days when they close the Rodeo Drive stores for her so she can pop 50K in one sitting. I mean, does she really expect us to feel sorry for her? And more importantly, does she really expect us to read her book?

I'm so over her. From the minute she told us that she had to audition for her role on Bev Niner, just like everyone else, I've been over her.

Keep on doing what you do.