Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Valentine's Day
DOB: ???--according to Wikipedia it didn't get popular as a Catholic party until the 15th century
Occupation: capitalism, insecurity
Hometown: Rome, since both of the St. Valentines that may have been the inspiration of this holiday have relics squirreled away on Via Whatevs somewheres about the Holy See
Current residence: EVERYWHERE
Douchebaggery: I'm not going to bother anyone with the trite single woman complaints about Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is synonymous with two things: gangland massacres, and bitches freaking out. Those topics have been covered extensively, and I have better things to do than tread a path more well-worn than Belladonna's poopshoot. Excluding the whole "waaaah, I'm old and single" line of anti-Valentinianism, I still hate a whole bunch of things about Valentine's Day.
I frankly rejoice in my lack of coupling on Valentine's Day, because doing Valentinesy stuff is stressful and exhausting. Whenever I've had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, I've always been freaking out shopping for the least pathetic "I Wuv You" funny card or trying to select a sufficiently meaningful shirt. I hate that shit and I'm not good at it. My skills lie in the bedroom, not the damn closet or jewelry drawer, and I never know what to get. Being single on Valentine's Day is actually a blessing, because adult Valentine's Day is far removed from kid Valentine's Day.
When I was in grade school, Valentine's Day was an excuse for your class to throw an orgy of candy-sharing. At my school, we had a rule that if you brought something for one person, you had to bring enough to share with the class. Translation: shell out for stamps and mail invitations if you're throwing an exclusive party. Since nobody wanted to bother with that, everyone brought valentines and everyone got candy. The only thing you had to do was pick up a $2.99 bag of Sweet Tarts and a box of Care Bear cards. It was minimally stressful and resulted in skipping a lame math or religion class to consume sugar and socialize. Adult Valentine's Day involves inordinate pressure to either get costly gifts or get depressed. Fuck that!
Oh, and yes, I know today is the day BEFORE Valentine's Day proper, but I would just rather ignore Valentine's Day when it actually happens. So this is the last time I'll mention it. This year.
Labels: Daily Douchebag
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