Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: plaintiff R.O.
RAZZY Note: This isn't R.O., as his identity is a mystery due to his minor status. Since I couldn't get a picture of the real deal, I just Googled "asshole kid" and this is one of the pictures that popped up.
Name: R.O.
DOB: 1996? (JESUS CHRIST, I am old...that's the year I graduated high school)
Occupation: expelled eighth grader, hilarious kid
Hometown: Parma, Ohio
Current residence: Parma, Ohio
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: OBVIOUSLY, I'm not trying to do the nasty with an eighth grader. In fact, if I were to even pretend I wanted to do such a thing, it would probably only be a clever ruse to meet hot predator catcher Chris Hansen. I've written this off as a strategy for meeting Chris, however, since he doesn't usually take the predators he catches out for a fancy dinner followed by dirty sex. Also, I generally hate children, so there's no way I have the capacity for even considering having sex with anyone under the age of 18. In fact, after disastrous rolls in the hay with some younger men (in their early twenties) recently, I'm not sure I ever want to sleep with anyone under the age of 30. However, my own immeasurable biases against younger people aside, I couldn't let this kid's hotness go unnoticed.
R.O. decided to get back at his mean middle school principal by posting a fake MySpace profile. In said profile, he describes the principal's interests as "giving students anal" and "jacking off in my office," claimed he "also fucked my assistant principal Heidi Zimmerman," listed his favorite movies as "gay porn," and claimed his heroes are "Michael Jackson, Adolf Hitler, Saddam Husain (sic), and my purple penatrater (sic)."
I have to say, this is pretty damn good material for an eighth grader. When I was in the eighth grade, there was no MySpace, but if there were, I doubt I'd come up with anything as good as saying my enemy's favorite TV show was "Boy Meets Dildo." The term "penetrator" wasn't even in my vocabulary. When I was in grade school, we had to sing a song that was obviously written by some extremely kiss-ass teacher to our principal on "Principal Appreciation Day" or some bullshit like that. It went a little something like this:
Mrs. Milam, she's our gal,
Her husband sells cars better than Cal (her husband owned a car dealership which competed fiercely with a rival Ford dealer owned by a local advertising media whore named Cal Worthington)
"Sorry to interrupt," we hear her say (a reference to her standard greeting over the school PA system)
And then she comes and makes our day.
The best my class could come up with was to change "her husband sells cars better than Cal" to "she's been sleeping in bed with Cal" and "then she comes and makes our day" to "then she comes and ruins our day." That's pretty pathetic that our attempts at satire merely implied Mrs. Milam was having an extramarital affair with Cal Worthington. We obviously missed an untapped gold mine of comedy related to her being a gay pedophile. Kids these days are growing up fast.
Even better is the fact that this kid got booted from school for this prank on grounds of "malicious harassment," and he's suing the school district! Thanks again to court documents posted at The Smoking Gun, I was able to determine that his lawyers are arguing that this MySpace profile "in any way disrupted school or that anyone had taken the content contained in the web site as a serious recitation of defendant Cook's personal characteristics or preferences or that anyone really believed the web site was crated (sic--don't you lawyers have spell check?) by defendant Cook." While normally I root enthusiastically against children, in this case, I'm hoping that this kid gets back into school and gets punitive damages. The "princeypal" should have given him an award for his precocious wit and encouraged his comic talents rather than booting him from school and disrupting his education. Besides, while I'm sure the principal isn't "giving anal to students," he's probably jacked off in his office before. Privacy enabling workplace masturbation is the number one benefit to having an office in the first place!
Furthermore, I applaud R.O. for standing up for his constitutional rights. I think it's bullshit that the principal wanted to trample all over R.O.'s first amendment rights just because it made him look like a homosexual pederast. R.O. shouldn't be denied a public education just for exercising his right to free speech. The last time I checked, the Bill of Rights didn't exclude juvenile jabs at one's principal's sex life. I'm surprised the ACLU isn't on this one. This could set important precedents for civil liberties. I say take it all the way to the Supreme Court!
Seriously, if R.O. wasn't anonymous, I'd offer him a coveted spot as a contributor on RAZZY.org, and that's something he could really brag about. You can ask any of the other occasional writers on here about how hard it is to get a Blogger invite from me. I require writing samples, a full and unabridged CV, and at least ten references...except by "writing samples" I mean an email demanding that I write about something I'm not in the mood to write about, by "full and unabridged CV" I mean that I know you somehow, and by "ten references" I mean we've gotten drunk together. Getting your fake Razzy name on the sidebar is a grueling process more arduous than getting into Harvard without a legacy admission. I've got a spot reserved for R.O. if he ever reveals his true identity.
Labels: armchair barristry, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, destroy all children, intentional buffoonery, kewlness, MySpace
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