Thursday, February 14, 2008

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Tania Derveaux



Name: Tania Derveaux

DOB: ???

Occupation: political whore...literally

Hometown: Antwerp, Belgium

Current residence: still Antwerp???

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I am waiting for Barnes and Noble to send me my latest hit of literary chronic, so in the meantime I'm rereading my favorite book, The Sun Also Rises. In an early scene from the book, the protagonist Jake Barnes is feeling self-loathing and lonely because he got his dick shot off in World War I and therefore can't bang his extra-slutty true love Lady Brett Ashley, so he picks up an ugly Parisian hooker with bad teeth to have dinner and pernod with. He tells her his name is Jacob, and she asks if he is Flemish. He reassures her that he is an American expatriate, and she says, "Good. I detest Flamands." I thought to myself, is there something really bad about the Belgians? What could possibly be bad about the Belgians?

That made me take a mental inventory of all the Belgian nationals I've ever known. Basically, I know one guy from grad school and that's it. He is very nice and I have no problem with him. So I went to the internets to find information about famous Belgians that might influence my opinions. Luckily, a site called famousbelgians.com exists as a primary source for exactly this type of research. Less luckily, I still hadn't heard of most of the people. There were three Nobel prizewinners I hadn't heard of, a couple tennis chicks I had heard of but had no opinion about other than "Clijsters" sounds like a lesbian porn if you glance at it real quick and replace the "j" with a "t" in your mind, and the Singing Nun, who I think sang a song in the sixties about the benefits of the Pill. I'm down with the Pill, and have nothing against tennis or Nobel peace prizes (excepting those that go to Al Gore), so thus far I couldn't find anything to despise about Flamands. The most famous name on the list I saw was Father Damien, who ran a leper colony in Molokai, Hawaii, and wound up dying of leprosy (don't fuck with genus Mycobacteria!), and in Catholic school my religion teachers were all over his nuts. So far, no bad Belgians! Then I smacked myself in the head...I had forgotten the most famous Belgian celebrity. She should be Belgium's fucking president. She is the greatest ambassador for Belgians in the entire world, and she is the reason I will never have anything against Flamands: Tania Derveaux!

If you're wondering "Tania Who?" trust that soon enough she'll be a household name. Tania Derveaux is a third-party candidate for the Belgian Senate, and is running on campaign promises to provide 400,000 jobs, and 40,000 of those will be of the "blow" variety.

I immediately went to Tania's website to see how that was going. By Tania's estimates, it will take almost two years of working seven days a week providing 80 5-minute BJs per day, so I was curious if she'd updated at all as to her progress. While there was no news on the fellatio front, I realized that Tania is taking on even more work for her cause. She's making a porn, and she's looking for some horny, politically conscious Flamands to star alongside her.

Sadly, the link to the casting page has been taken down, but the site movieLOL producing this has the scenes shot so far. As far as porn goes, I've seen a lot better. I can't figure out what's going on plotwise, other than Tania seems to have undergone some type of trauma and can't speak, she may have some sort of supernatural glass-breaking powers, and Germany is invading Denmark. At first I thought this was set during World War II, but then everyone has cell phones. Also, apparently in western Europe, duct tape is sufficient to prevent evildoers from kicking a door down. Given the image on the movie flyer, somehow George W. Bush, machines of war, a roll of rose-print wrapping paper, and masturbation will eventually get involved with all this. Needless to say, I am confused about both the storyline, and how this is going to result in hardcore sex acts. This is a deviation from a typical porn storyline, the most complicated of which usually involve some sort of unethical doctor-patient relationship. In fact, most porn doesn't HAVE a plot, unless you consider people banging the hell out of each other to be a thrilling narrative tale. Basically, I have no idea what's going on except that this is the most convoluted, laborious, plot-driven porn I've ever seen, and it's a stretch to call it "porn" since there aren't any SEX SCENES in it. There isn't even any nudity save a fleeting shot of Tania's buttcrack.

However, I have faith that Tania probably just hasn't had time to work in the sex scenes--which will undoubtedly explain all the incongruous nonsense that's transpired thus far--because she's too busy sucking dick. Giving 80 blowjobs a day for two years would definitely sap me of a little enthusiasm for producing arthouse politically-motivated pornography on the side. My submandibular joint is aching with sympathy pains just thinking about that. I can be patient.

Labels: , , , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 5:51 AM
Comments: Post a Comment



Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Subscribe to Posts [Atom]