Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Fool's-ish games
I was just trying to get some multitasking done, and by "multitasking" I mean doing technology analysis for my part-time job during commercials on "Nip/Tuck." My sojourn through a pharmaceutical industry market database was rudely interrupted by a seriously overexcited movie announcer bellowing "Fool's Gold is the NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN AMERICA." Try as I might to tune it out, I was getting so pissed off that I couldn't help but watch it, if only out of scientific curiosity regarding my capacity for rage. I was having major telecidal impulses (telecidal=when you want to make like the bumper sticker and kill your television) as a result.
Then, I had a revelation. I realized exactly what I hate about movies like Fool's Gold. I hate the bitches. I mean I REALLY hate them. Women are portrayed horribly in these crappy fucking chick flicks. Based on the ubiquitous and completely infuriating trailers, it seems that Kate Hudson spends 90% of the movie bitching at her poorly-groomed ex until all that hateful shrewishness makes her so horny that she throws herself at him like a yowling cat in desperate heat. What kind of self-respecting bitch wants to identify with that? If I had some lazy, long-haired hippie ex-husband with body odor (and I thank God smellevision hasn't been invented yet, because I shudder to think of what would offend my olfactory senses every time McConaughey's ass showed up onscreen), my reaction to his ass showing up would NOT involve humoring a desire to join him seeking mysterious Caribbean treasure. Even if I somehow concluded that such an endeavor would be beneficial to me in spite of my stank former spouse's shaggy ass hanging around, I would not get frustrated during my wild goose chase quest for sunken pieces of eight and fuck his busted ass out of desperation. Women like Kate Hudson's character in this movie aren't romantic or comical: they are petulant, nagging bitches who are sexually frustrated and pathetic. How the fuck am I supposed to either relate or aspire to that? I am insulted at the most fundamental level that Hollywood thinks I would or should.
That said, I've written the words "Fool's Gold" entirely too frequently for my liking. Next thing you know I'm going to start doing a "Daily Thing I Hate About Fool's Gold and Similar Shitty Fucking Valentine's Day Romantic Not-Funny Comedies." This has got to stop.
Then, I had a revelation. I realized exactly what I hate about movies like Fool's Gold. I hate the bitches. I mean I REALLY hate them. Women are portrayed horribly in these crappy fucking chick flicks. Based on the ubiquitous and completely infuriating trailers, it seems that Kate Hudson spends 90% of the movie bitching at her poorly-groomed ex until all that hateful shrewishness makes her so horny that she throws herself at him like a yowling cat in desperate heat. What kind of self-respecting bitch wants to identify with that? If I had some lazy, long-haired hippie ex-husband with body odor (and I thank God smellevision hasn't been invented yet, because I shudder to think of what would offend my olfactory senses every time McConaughey's ass showed up onscreen), my reaction to his ass showing up would NOT involve humoring a desire to join him seeking mysterious Caribbean treasure. Even if I somehow concluded that such an endeavor would be beneficial to me in spite of my stank former spouse's shaggy ass hanging around, I would not get frustrated during my wild goose chase quest for sunken pieces of eight and fuck his busted ass out of desperation. Women like Kate Hudson's character in this movie aren't romantic or comical: they are petulant, nagging bitches who are sexually frustrated and pathetic. How the fuck am I supposed to either relate or aspire to that? I am insulted at the most fundamental level that Hollywood thinks I would or should.
That said, I've written the words "Fool's Gold" entirely too frequently for my liking. Next thing you know I'm going to start doing a "Daily Thing I Hate About Fool's Gold and Similar Shitty Fucking Valentine's Day Romantic Not-Funny Comedies." This has got to stop.
Labels: celebrities, movies, ranting, retard rage
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