Sunday, February 10, 2008
Guys are fucking assholes AKA my quest for redemption
When I have boy problems--especially ones that are relatively insignificant but make me act and subsequently feel like a complete and total fool--I have a variety of coping mechanisms, including drinking, porn, Lord of the Rings, pepperoni pizza, and lesbian sex. Sadly, I am hung over, not hungry, not in the mood for porn or epic battles, and I forgot to pick up a hot lesbian (since there weren't any around) last night when I was squiring the typically lame grad school recruits about Nieuw Amsterdam.
So to distract myself from my boy troubles, I just Googled my thoughts to see if the internets could provide some pearl of wisdom that would turn my frown upside down and get my Razzification back on track: "guys are fucking assholes." Maybe I would stumble upon some smart, hot, funny, kick-ass bitch's blog that ranted about how some dumb guy made her feel bad by reiterating his post-coital sentiments of ignorant disdain for her, and that in turn compelled her to demonstrate her abysmal lack of maturity by spilling a drink on his button-down, calling him a fucking asshole, making the world's lamest threat at involving Photoshop and Republican politicians, apologizing, taking back that apology, calling him an asshole again, leaving the bar with another girl only to realize she left her keys there, and returning in humiliation, in turn feeling (deservedly so) like a total idiot douchebag...until she remembered that she's still a smart, hot, funny, kick-ass bitch and it will take more than embarrassing herself in front of a dumb, mean, fucking asshole guy to render her otherwise.
Maybe reading such a blog would in turn put the spring back in my step after experiencing a similar disastrous scenario. A totally similar disastrous scenario. Basically, I wanted to know why this dude I banged a few months ago had ceased being friendly with me as he had been before we became Biblically acquainted. I am not trying to be his girlfriend, but I didn't understand why just having regular-old drunk sex had caused such awkwardness between us. I mean, I have drunk sex with my random friends all the time and it's not a big deal. Judging by his current girlfriend he doesn't usually fuck with bitches rocking personalities like mine, and I just wanted him to know that I wanted things to be okay with us. He did not share this sentiment. Instead he did this infuriating, arrogant country-boy "aw shucks and by 'shucks' I mean 'fuck you'" shrug thing that reminds me of George W. Bush, said he didn't want to talk about it EVER, he preferred to ignore me, and he doesn't care if that hurts my feelings. In other words, fuck you, Razzy. You're a dumb whore and not important enough for me to even say so directly. I can handle a lot of things: hatred, anger, disapproval, judgment, and other forms of negative opinion about myself. One thing I don't handle well, however, is someone announcing that I'm not even worthy of opinion and thus fit only to be ignored. I responded by getting in touch with my inner drunk eleven-year-old, threw a semi-tantrum, semi-Smith girl processing session, and thus cemented my self-humiliation. Actually, the one time I got drunk when I was eleven (I was an altar girl and I thought it would be a sin to pour the leftover consecrated communion wine down the drain, so I pounded it), I was way more mature: I just staggered into the coffee hour after mass and demanded jovially that my mother procure me a donut. As a result, it would make me feel better about myself if I could take some cues from an account of some other admittedly flawed but ultimately admirable bitch taking responsibility for her own ill-advised and completely idiotic drama-bringing and kicking the situation in the ass with her own inherent awesomeness. At the very least, abusing men for being dickheads always mitigates the sting of getting straight-up scorned.
Unfortunately, potential positive Razzy female role models were not to be had with a Google search for "guys are fucking assholes." The first link I clicked led me to a message board where someone responded to a posting opinion "you guys are fucking assholes" with "oh. and go root for the browns, you fucking douche bag." I realized I had stumbled into a forum for STEELERS FANS! If there's one thing that's not going to make me feel better about getting denied hard and then humiliating myself, it's reading the lolcat rantings of a bunch of Stealers fans crying into their Terrible Towels about how the officials screwed them in the AFC Divisional playoff game against Jacksonville. For one thing, there's no good that can come out of me posting something like "Karma's a bitch, ain't it, Super Bowl XL champions?" on a Steelers fan board in response to complaints about unfair penalty calls. It also only serves to remind me of my own woes, because I once watched a Jags game at a bar with this dude.
So I went back to my search hits for "guys are fucking assholes" in hopes that I'd land somewhere better than Steelers Country. I clicked on the next link. This was even worse...I ended up in a MORRISSEY FAN FORUM! I like Morrissey, but his music is definitely not what I need to be listening to right now in order to feel better about this situation. Yeah, I know Morrissey can be funny sometimes, but his witticisms are usually in the context of songs that are otherwise about feeling awkward, self-loathing, humiliated, rejected, disillusioned, and miserable. I don't need to be focusing on my inadequacies right now any more than I already am reading a bunch of hipster fucktards dishing on lyrics about bitches who are nobody's nothing. Besides, Morrissey fans are almost as obnoxious as Steelers fans. They're like elitist Steelers fans who think their taste and intellect are utterly beyond reproach. My friend Morrissey'sHair hung out with a bunch of Morrissey fans from MySpace or something once in Seattle, and I expect that pretentious, faux-cosmopolitan Seattle-dwelling Morrissey fans are probably the most insufferable of the entire lot. They're the Yankees of Morrissey fans. Truly, all Morrissey'sHair ever got out of that was a cougar stalking him and probably a lot of condescending discussion about whatever Anglophilic pseudo-intellectual topics Morrissey fans gather to discuss. (No offense to Morrissey'sHair...he rocks the look but is an exception to the rule regarding douchebaggery of the average Morrissey fan).
Sure enough, this page came up when some Morrissey fan uses the phrase "you guys fucking suck" to begin a thread excoriating other Morrissey fans about their outrage involving ticket refunds for some canceled show. A lengthy tirade about the lack of gratitude shown by these critical, bitchy, ticketless Morrissey fans included gems such as the following:
Morrissey isn't a charity, you don't give him 'donations', you are buying things you want for yourself. And it's not his fault if you went out and bought plane tickets or booked time off work, that was your decision and your responsibility, you knew there were risks involved, and not just because it's Morrissey, these things can happen to anyone. Grow up and stop trying to blame other people for everything that goes wrong in your life. You gambled and you lost, accept the responsibility and just fucking deal with it. You could have bought flexible tickets, but you decided to take a risk to save some money - completely understandable, but in this case it didn't pay off. And that is Morrissey's fault? Ridiculous.
I couldn't even get through most of the asinine bitching that precipitated this tirade. On the bright side, this isn't really reminding me of being depressed or feeling like an asshole. However, petty squabbling between Morrissey's fans about showing proper gratitude to their idol isn't perking me up, either. So on to the next link.
Upon clicking it, I smacked myself in the forehead for not considered some of the possibilities that might result on the internets for searches involving the words "guys", "fucking", and "assholes." Yep, I wound up on a site called "edengay.com" where I found myself staring down a variety of free photo galleries with names like "hardcore anal action" and "College Guys Sucking Cock." I thought most of the material was actually pretty tame for gay porn. Nonetheless, watching alleged "frat boys" and "english lads" buttfucking each other wasn't going to lift my flagging spirits. I was starting to think that maybe the internets weren't going to pay off in terms of providing me with a compass for my social and emotional recovery from Hurricane Idiot Razzy.
This was verified when I then found sites not worth spending time at. There was some kind of message board for the "underground literary community" debating the contributions of British zine writers to the canon, some morons arguing on the Deftones' band forum about the superiority of various Heart songs and whether or not "These Dreams" was worthy of discussion since it's not "classic 70s Heart", some Australian teenager complaining on her Livejournal page about her boyfriend being unsympathetic toward her parents' grounding her, somebody who hates Jared Padalecki and everything about the CW's ad campaign for last season of "Supernatural," and some tech geek complaining about how some IT company in Cork, Ireland is staffed exclusively with "fucking assholes." There was a hilarious Craigslist rant in which a dude laments how "because some of you fucking assholes couldn't keep a good thing to yourselves, your big ass pie holes have turned CL into an adult movie arcade!!!! You know, the one where you pretend you're 'browsing' for 3 hours when in fact you're waiting for that 'hit or miss' cocksucker to show up! AND when one finally does, you jostle into line with a bunch of other 'horny' guys with their wangs out!!! " swinger problems like "The T4M section was exotic, mysterious, and filled with hot and sexy gurls like Amaya begging for cocks and some booze. Now, guys fight over the chance to rump wrangle grandpa wearing a wig!" and "Couples in MW4M were abundant. Meet at a bar, pork the wife and blow your load on the hubby, bada bing..bada boom! Now, couples are holding fucking interviews and looking over your tax returns!!!!" are now prevalent in the Craigslist casual encounters community.
However, none of this made me feel genuinely better. Nothing was providing me with that spark of wisdom I needed to mentally push myself back into a state of high-level Razzification, where the world is in awe of me, I'm smoting everyone's ruin on the mountainside, and the general consensus is that I rule and am a badass, and not in my current state, where I'm hung over and depressed and wearing nothing but a pair of socks with Pugs on them. Therefore, I was about to give up altogether and resign myself to the depressing fate of going to lab, when I found what I was looking for in the most unexpected place: a website called Destructoid for "the hardcore video gaming community."
I certainly did not expect a bunch of masturbating shut-ins who spend their days blogging about Halo 3 or whatever the hell video game types cover to provide me inspiration. However, they were featuring a rant from some other gamer blog about being "burned by the dickery that is AOL Joystiq." I have no idea what AOL Joystiq is, but it has a stupid name, and I'm against it already. This gamer posted a quote from Team America: World Police relating to whatever the problem is with AOL Joystiq, and it's EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies (other video game sites) think everyone can get along, and dicks (Dtoid and Jaffe) just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes (AOL Joystiq), Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!
THANK YOU, Video Game nerds, for your ability to apply the wisdom of Matt and Trey to your situation with AOL Joystiq and thus my analogous situation with this mean-spirited former paramour of mine and my consequential inability to deal. This all boils down to dicks, pussies, and assholes. I was being a pussy, and as a result I got shit on by an asshole. What I need to do is get back to the business of being a dick, which is exactly what I was born to be. I need to get back to fucking assholes and righting things in the world.
So thanks to the sagacious analysis of Destructoid, a site I anticipate I will never have cause to visit again, for reminding me that I can search the internets until I see every last worthless MySpace blog or LiveJournal page, and I will never find another bitch to make like me and tell me what I already know: I fucked up, I looked like a fucking tool, and it's time to move on and reclaim my dickishness, because I am shameless and proud and more than capable of shelving my bratty, irrational, oh-boo-hoo-my-feelings-are-hurt loserly self-pity. I am still Razzy, and much like R. Kelly, there is only one me. No amount of Googling for "guys are fucking assholes" or "I fucked up big-time" or "I hate feeling like an idiot and knowing that I WAS an idiot" is going to yield a blog better or more inspiring for me than what I just figured out through a lot of roundabout internet distraction.
I had to conquer Steelers fans, Morrissey fans, gay porn, and Craigslist swinger rants only to find the hardcore video gaming nerd community guarding the Holy Grail I sought: I already know I am a badass, and I need to quit being a pussy about screwing up insignificant relationships and feeling bad about myself and go back to being a badass. It's time to make like Bill Belichick and say something taciturn and supremely dickish like "we're moving on to the Chargers next week" or "that was a hard-fought game," and go back to plotting my world domination. I am fucking Razzy, goddammit. I AM FUCKING AWESOME! I might fuck up sometimes. But I'm also a hot blonde with pretty eyes and a fine rack, I'm smart, I'm sickeningly talented, I have two awesome dogs, I give great head, I am funny, I have a large vocabulary, I live an exciting and unique life, I am loved by wonderful people, I am often described with impressive adjectives like "singular", "hilarious", "ridiculous", and "intimidating", and if I can shake this particularly brutal scotch and Jaeger hangover, I have a date with a hot, smart guy who actually seems to like me tonight. Why am I sitting around in bed blogging about what a fuckup I am and feeling sorry for myself? I RULE!
So, thanks for your patience with this Smith girl whiny, processy blog posting. As of now-thirty, I'm back to being a dick. Assholes of the world, consider yourselves on notice.
Labels: assholes, comeuppance, contrition, for serious people, grad school bullshit, oh the horror, ranting, Razzification, sex, sluts
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Angie, did you ever realize that you are just too much for dudes like that one fucker to handle? He could only fuck you when he was drunk anyway and I imagine he was not too good at it then either.
Anyone that sees this website can see that you are not some Hillary Clinton-esque woman that does whatever the fuck society says that she should do, and many dudes just cannot take that, they need those boring-ass, wimpy, frigid bitches so that they do not feel threatened and you are as far away from that as Britney Spears is from being a responsible citizen, so a dork like that dude only can react one way and that is to be like he is to you now, so ignore his worthless ass and be glad that you are not the one saddled with him.
You are going to be able to write your own ticket in life in every way, including men, so dipshits like that wimpy fucker are meaningless, so just keep on drinking, fucking, watching porno, and commenting on society as only you can, and everything shall be alright, and leave that fucking dork dude to the miserable boredom and dullness that is obviously his life.
Anyone that sees this website can see that you are not some Hillary Clinton-esque woman that does whatever the fuck society says that she should do, and many dudes just cannot take that, they need those boring-ass, wimpy, frigid bitches so that they do not feel threatened and you are as far away from that as Britney Spears is from being a responsible citizen, so a dork like that dude only can react one way and that is to be like he is to you now, so ignore his worthless ass and be glad that you are not the one saddled with him.
You are going to be able to write your own ticket in life in every way, including men, so dipshits like that wimpy fucker are meaningless, so just keep on drinking, fucking, watching porno, and commenting on society as only you can, and everything shall be alright, and leave that fucking dork dude to the miserable boredom and dullness that is obviously his life.
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooonnnnnnnnn
You're two years away from buying a cat and being your friends' kids' godmother.
You're two years away from buying a cat and being your friends' kids' godmother.
# posted by 
: 2/11/2008 12:29 AM
: 2/11/2008 12:29 AM
Good for you though for telling this fucker what's up. He sounds like a real asshole.
# posted by : 2/11/2008 10:29 AM
: 2/11/2008 10:29 AM
I can't wait until you finally meet a guy who can handle Razzy in totality. That guy is going to be the bomb - not like fucking asshole, loser gradschool student who doesn't know how to treat a lady and should have more drinks thrown on him to teach him a lesson.
Razzy is my motherfucking hero. Seriously. She's the kind of girl who throws drinks in a sea of pussies who just wish they could. Bravo.
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# posted by : 2/11/2008 5:53 PM
: 2/11/2008 5:53 PM Links to this post:
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