Monday, February 18, 2008
"I Do" the Puyallup
Last night, LL Cool Jew texted me:
Needless to say, these functions are a joy to behold, and clearly I need to watch more CMT. Besides, it's putting Puyallupian culture on the map, and I'm all for that. The P-N-Dub hick is a special breed of redneck that is generally underrepresented in the media, and I applaud CMT for dishing out a hot slice of Puyallup to satiate the nation's appetite for the sexy, rain-soaked PWT so common in my hometown.
I'm already hooked on this show, and I haven't even seen it.
the episode of my redneck wedng right now s set n washington state. groom wearing seahawks ballcap n mossy oak vestWHAT? "My Redneck Wedding?" What is this show, why are there hicks on it who are probably my relatives, and why haven't I ever heard of it before? This sounds to me like a must-see! I inquired back to LL Cool Jew what channel this show was on. She replied:
cmt dude. zomg have u not gotten into my big redneck wedding hostd by tom arnold? i wd b so excitd 2 introduce you 2 it!So it turns out this show is on CMT. That would explain why I haven't seen it. While I do like the hot pieces named Toby Keith singing about trucks and freedom and Brad Paisley singing about checking ladies for ticks, I don't spend a large portion of my time masturbating to their videos like certain Taylor Swift fans I know. I certainly don't spend any of my time checking out what kind of original programming CMT is offering. However, that's about to change. Since I didn't want to wait until the next time I visit LL Cool Jew in New Orleans, I went to the internets to find out more. I found a synopsis of the episode LL Cool Jew was talking about on the "My Big Redneck Wedding" website.
In Puyallup, Wash., Tami and Brad are getting hitched the northwest redneck style, with rain, mud, guns, quads and plenty of beer guzzling fun. The only problem is, Brad's mom doesn't like it one bit. She's a wedding planner and was hoping her son would get married the old-fashion way - in a church with flowers, dresses and class. With mom changing the couple's plans and Brad procrastinating with getting the wedding site ready, this tomboy bride is getting nervous.God, I can't BELIEVE I'm not related to these people. Now that I think of it, I might have a distant cousin named Tami. They're even getting married on someone's undeveloped property in MY HOMETOWN. Indeed, there is no place more romantic than some dude's Puyallup muddin' grounds to park your trailers (which I'm sure were decorated up real faincy-like for the occasion...with paper lantern string lights from Wal-Mart and everthing), your shotgun collection, and your portable meth lab to honor such an historic occasion. What could be more romantic than a fleet of recreational vehicles, a glorious display of one's right to bear arms, gray skies, and red plastic cups overflowing with Rainier Beer, the sweet nectar of the P-N-Dub? I can see how Brad's wedding planner mom apparently failed to persuade the happy couple to have the wedding "in a church with flowers, dresses, and class," as nothing outromances a traditional wedding like a keg party in a muddy yard on under Puyallup's sultry overcast skies. Besides, she never had a chance. This couple knows what they want when it comes to making major relationship moves. They waited all of three days after they met (at a bar in Auburn, which probably translates to "over a video poker machine at the Muckleshoot Casino") before shacking up. Their passion ignited over a mutual love for four-wheeled all-terrain vehicles and Brad's interests is intense, and their dream of a special day will not be mitigated by the selfish demands made by an interfering future mother-in-law. Nobody is going to stop Brad and Tami from commemorating their blessed matrimony with a thrilling game of wedd'n day lawn bowling.
Tami and BradMy cousin got married in a very similar situation, in his front yard. Well, actually, it was my aunt and uncle's front yard, but my cousin lived there with his new bride in a trailer parked off'n the side yard. There were fewer guns (although some firearms did make an appearance), an equivalent number of four-wheelers, and more earth-moving equipment. No joke. They exchanged vows adjacent to a parked and tarp-shrouded Bobcat. At least they tried to class it up a little by wearing traditional wedding outfits, right down to the bridesmaids' dyeable Payless satin pumps. Sadly, those pumps were stained by the perpetually sodden earth pervasive in my aunt and uncle's slowly sinking yard. The reception fare consisted primarily of finger-foods found in the Costco freezer section. I probably consumed half my body weight in taquitos and meatballs reheated in a crock pot with Yoshida's sauce that day. I also recall washing it down with a few ice-cold cans of Rainier, which is far more a far more appropriate golden carbonated spirit to raise than champagne to raise in celebration of Spanaway's most recent newlyweds. Vitamin R was also useful in ameliorating my anxieties about a sinkhole forming in the yard around my aunt and uncle's woefully maintained septic tank at any time during the festivities.
Tami is from Auburn, Wash.
Brad is from Auburn, Wash., but if you ask him, he will tell you Minot, N.D.
We met thru a mutual friend at a bar in Auburn, Wash. We met on a Friday, went out again that Saturday and he moved in the next Tuesday!!! A whirlwind!!! But so totally worth it.
For fun, we like to be outdoors. Brad plays bocce (Italian lawn bowling), hunting, quads, snowmobiles ... anything outside. Tami is about quads and watching Brad do his thing ... and fishing.
We did the redneck wedding because that's Brad. It was so perfect for us to have the camo, Carhartts, quads and mud! It fits who we are, or I guess more of who Brad is!
The main feature that we wanted in our wedding was family and shotguns. Basically our whole wedding was family. Brad's uncle even got ordained so that he could marry us!!! And the shotguns were a big deal to Brad. He and his brother are very into hunting so guns are a big part of his life. He wanted to incorporate that aspect in the wedding.
For the future, we are planning to get pregnant, hopefully soon. We are getting settled into our new house, and Brad bought me a new SUV to go with our new house. He really does take good care of me and my son Logan.
Needless to say, these functions are a joy to behold, and clearly I need to watch more CMT. Besides, it's putting Puyallupian culture on the map, and I'm all for that. The P-N-Dub hick is a special breed of redneck that is generally underrepresented in the media, and I applaud CMT for dishing out a hot slice of Puyallup to satiate the nation's appetite for the sexy, rain-soaked PWT so common in my hometown.
I'm already hooked on this show, and I haven't even seen it.
Labels: Do the Puyallup, holy fucking matrimony, I LOVE IT, LL Cool Jew, P-N-Dub, PWT, TV
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Honestly I am pretty impressed this episode took place in Puyallup. I kind of thought you may have been exaggerating somewhat over the years in describing your PWT ancestry. But call me a believer now.
Listen, you've got to catch up on some previous episodes now that you've discovered the awesomeness that is My Big Redneck Wedding. There is lawn-surfing involved in one. Believe it!
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Listen, you've got to catch up on some previous episodes now that you've discovered the awesomeness that is My Big Redneck Wedding. There is lawn-surfing involved in one. Believe it!
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