Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Jack off
I read on the gossip internets that Jack Nicholson claims the world's best pick-up line is as follows:
Why does Jack Nicholson need to use this strategy anyway? I realize that he's a septugenarian, but he's still Jack Fucking Nicholson! He's rich, he's famous, and he sits courtside at Laker games. I would think that even at his ripe old age, he could just pull out his weiner, say "I'm Jack Nicholson," and let the object of his affection put two and two together and start sucking. He doesn't need to waste time inventing negs or developing a lame "avatar" (another key feature of the Mystery Method, this involves coming up with an idiotic nickname like "Ajax" or "The Matador" and wearing absurd fashion ensembles that look like the bastard spawn of a pair of fuzzy dice and an off-the-rack pimp costume from Party World.) Jack Nicholson's star just faded dramatically now that I know he has to rely on seduction tactics commonly employed by socially inept fucktards who spend all their copious down time playing Halo and jacking off to Cinemax.
What a fucking loser. And that's not a neg fishing for action with Jack or anyone else attending Mystery's school of douchebaggery. That's just a straight-up neg for the sake of negativity.
"You walk up to someone you like and you're feeling relaxed, they think, 'Oh, here comes the shark' and you say to them, 'When did you get pregnant?' You will have somebody off balance after that particular line."Are you fucking kidding me? Jack Nicholson uses the fucking MYSTERY METHOD to pick up chicks? In case you don't know what the Mystery Method is, LL Cool Jew once described it as a means of "teaching ugly virgins to insult women they want to sleep with within three minutes of meeting them to confuse and unbalance them, thereby exploiting unstable women's attraction to emotional retards and abusers," resulting in "lots and lots of nerd virgins eager to pay Mystery to teach them what wife-beaters have known for years--that misogyny is a powerful aphrodisiac to insecure women." An essential concept in the Mystery Method skill set involves the use of "negs," which are backhanded compliments intended to lower a mark's "value," thus causing her to want to "qualify" to sleep with the dude doing the "negging" to compensate for her insecurities. I should add that this effect is enhanced by the dude "peacocking," which involves adorning oneself with garish fluffy tophats, chrome aviation goggles, and cloaks that look like something an Anne Rice-loving drag queen would rock at a Renaissance Faire. Woe betide the douchebag who attempts to bed me with such piss-poor game. For one thing, it's unnecessary since I'm a big slut. For another, it will only piss me off, and then we'll see who leaves the situation feeling insecure and unqualified. One time this fat, ugly guy peacocking with a combover, stonewashed jeans, and an appletini (*scoff*) rated me "a seven" after he rated LL Cool Jew--who is married and thus off the market--"a ten." As I was the available girl in our two-set, he was trying to make me want to bang him based on the fact that my friend is hotter than me. It failed. I gave him my best bitch-face and said, "Oh yeah? Well, you're a FOUR." Especially now that I've discovered a hidden talent for drink-throwing, the Mystery wannabes dropping negs on my Razzified ass like bombs on Hiroshima had best keep their distance and behave themselves if they don't want to be scrubbing scotch out of their crushed velvet lapels.
Why does Jack Nicholson need to use this strategy anyway? I realize that he's a septugenarian, but he's still Jack Fucking Nicholson! He's rich, he's famous, and he sits courtside at Laker games. I would think that even at his ripe old age, he could just pull out his weiner, say "I'm Jack Nicholson," and let the object of his affection put two and two together and start sucking. He doesn't need to waste time inventing negs or developing a lame "avatar" (another key feature of the Mystery Method, this involves coming up with an idiotic nickname like "Ajax" or "The Matador" and wearing absurd fashion ensembles that look like the bastard spawn of a pair of fuzzy dice and an off-the-rack pimp costume from Party World.) Jack Nicholson's star just faded dramatically now that I know he has to rely on seduction tactics commonly employed by socially inept fucktards who spend all their copious down time playing Halo and jacking off to Cinemax.
What a fucking loser. And that's not a neg fishing for action with Jack or anyone else attending Mystery's school of douchebaggery. That's just a straight-up neg for the sake of negativity.
Labels: assholes, LL Cool Jew, movies, overcompensation, ridiculous absurdity, sex, sluts
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