Thursday, February 14, 2008
She's a Slut Machine by Patrick Swayze
I've always had a soft spot for the song "She's Like the Wind" by Patrick Swayze. Partly this is because it's one of my go-to karaoke songs and partly this is because I'm a sucker for hokey love songs. I have more than one Richard Marx song on my iTunes (not ashamed!) and although I loathe the movie Dirty Dancing, I can jam to "Hungry Eyes" and "Time of my Life" from the soundtrack, as well as "She's Like the Wind." Maybe this is part of the natural progression of aging. I know as my father got older, he started listening to almost as much "warm" or "soft" radio favorites as badass hits by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. I wouldn't be surprised if my growing fondness for cheesy 80s love songs was merely a symptom of being my father's daughter.
Anyway, yesterday "She's Like the Wind" came on TV during a commercial for Pedigree dog food, and I had an epiphany. This is one of the dirtiest songs ever written! Sure, it seems like nice, inoffensive fare appropriate for elevators and offices, but if you listen to the lyrics, they only make sense if you view them in a sexual context. How could a woman be "like the wind" other than by BLOWING?
She's like the wind through my tree
Translation: she gives great head
She rides the night next to me
Translation: she can fuck all night long
She leads me through moonlight
Translation: 2 a.m. booty call
Only to burn me with the sun
Translation: she's in a cab back to her place before dawn
She's taken my heart
Translation: she fucked poor Patrick into a state of deep smit
But she doesn't know what she's done
Translation: she's a skank ho who can't swing monogamy
Feel her breath on my face
Translation: she's panting because she's on top and getting her cardio on
Her body close to me
Translation: we fuckin'
Can't look in her eyes
Translation: now we fuckin' doggystyle
She's out of my league
Translation: you can't turn a ho into a housewife
Just a fool to believe
Translation: Patrick is concerned he might be thinking with his heart rather than his dick
I have anything she needs
Translation: anything she needs besides his weiner
She's like the wind
Translation: just to reiterate, she gives incredible head
[Saxophone solo--to enhance the sexy atmosphere]
I look in the mirror and all I see
Translation: I'm Patrick Swayze, star of Dirty Dancing and Roadhouse. I'm hot.
Is a young old man with only a dream
Translation: Patrick is wondering if she'd be down to have a threesome, as that's always been one of his fantasies
Am I just fooling myself
Translation: can I make a ho into a housewife? Maybe...
That she'll stop the pain?
Translation: am I a sex addict?
Living without her
I'd go insane
Translation: Patrick hates celibacy and requires regular pussy, and doesn't have any back-up bitches in his stable
I don't think any of you will ever be able to listen to "She's Like the Wind" with the same innocent sense of "awwww, what a cheesy song" again. Now all you're going to be thinking about is Patrick Swayze receiving fellatio from some accomplished skank with a spiral perm and a lace bodysuit right out of Sheena Easton's closet, which may be one of the most simultaneously frightening and hilarious images I've ever had in my head.
While this song was Patrick Swayze's sole success in the music industry, I think he should get a Grammy two decades later for his masterful lyricism. Who knew that he was like the 80s pop ballad version of R. Kelly? Patrick Swayze is the Pied Piper of Sappy One-Hit Wonders. Well played, Swayze. I only wish I would have appreciated your subtle genius sooner.
Anyway, yesterday "She's Like the Wind" came on TV during a commercial for Pedigree dog food, and I had an epiphany. This is one of the dirtiest songs ever written! Sure, it seems like nice, inoffensive fare appropriate for elevators and offices, but if you listen to the lyrics, they only make sense if you view them in a sexual context. How could a woman be "like the wind" other than by BLOWING?
She's like the wind through my tree
Translation: she gives great head
She rides the night next to me
Translation: she can fuck all night long
She leads me through moonlight
Translation: 2 a.m. booty call
Only to burn me with the sun
Translation: she's in a cab back to her place before dawn
She's taken my heart
Translation: she fucked poor Patrick into a state of deep smit
But she doesn't know what she's done
Translation: she's a skank ho who can't swing monogamy
Feel her breath on my face
Translation: she's panting because she's on top and getting her cardio on
Her body close to me
Translation: we fuckin'
Can't look in her eyes
Translation: now we fuckin' doggystyle
She's out of my league
Translation: you can't turn a ho into a housewife
Just a fool to believe
Translation: Patrick is concerned he might be thinking with his heart rather than his dick
I have anything she needs
Translation: anything she needs besides his weiner
She's like the wind
Translation: just to reiterate, she gives incredible head
[Saxophone solo--to enhance the sexy atmosphere]
I look in the mirror and all I see
Translation: I'm Patrick Swayze, star of Dirty Dancing and Roadhouse. I'm hot.
Is a young old man with only a dream
Translation: Patrick is wondering if she'd be down to have a threesome, as that's always been one of his fantasies
Am I just fooling myself
Translation: can I make a ho into a housewife? Maybe...
That she'll stop the pain?
Translation: am I a sex addict?
Living without her
I'd go insane
Translation: Patrick hates celibacy and requires regular pussy, and doesn't have any back-up bitches in his stable
I don't think any of you will ever be able to listen to "She's Like the Wind" with the same innocent sense of "awwww, what a cheesy song" again. Now all you're going to be thinking about is Patrick Swayze receiving fellatio from some accomplished skank with a spiral perm and a lace bodysuit right out of Sheena Easton's closet, which may be one of the most simultaneously frightening and hilarious images I've ever had in my head.
While this song was Patrick Swayze's sole success in the music industry, I think he should get a Grammy two decades later for his masterful lyricism. Who knew that he was like the 80s pop ballad version of R. Kelly? Patrick Swayze is the Pied Piper of Sappy One-Hit Wonders. Well played, Swayze. I only wish I would have appreciated your subtle genius sooner.
Labels: hilarious shit, intentional buffoonery, Razzification, Robert Sylvester Kelly
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