Monday, February 18, 2008
VD BS is so romantic
About a year ago, one of my friends asked me, "Have you ever done BS?"
"BS? Yeah, dude, every day. It's called RAZZY.org," I responded.
"No, dude, I meant BS. You know..." She dropped her voice to a whisper, because she doesn't like using graphic sex terms (she routinely says "S'ing D" rather than "sucking dick.") "Anal."
"Ohhhhhhhh...buttsex. I see. Well, yes, of course I have!"
"So...what's it like?" she wanted to know.
"I've been saying this to guys for years, dude. Anal sex is like eclairs. It's fine every so often but don't expect it for breakfast every day." Then I got to wondering about how this got brought up. "Why? Did you have it or something?"
"NO!" she exclaimed, somewhat scandalized. Then, she remembered who she was talking to, and she wasn't going to get judged for being a perv. "Okay, well, I kind of wanted to try it."
At the time, she had recently started dating her boyfriend. I don't know whether it was his or her idea, but apparently neither of them had done this, and both were intensely curious about it.
"So, can you give me some tips?" she asked.
Being the resident slut machine of our crew, I was happy to share wisdom gained from my rather copious sexual experience. I explained that anal sex requires some preparation to be a good experience. You have to make sure you have plenty of lube on hand, don't stick it back in the front unless you've used a condom and/or taken a shower for microbiological reasons, and most important of all, you have to take a shit beforehand. There is NOTHING more embarrassing and decidedly not feminine than finishing up a hot session in the sack by scrubbing poop off your partner. I've had this happen and it was one of the most humiliating experiences of my entire life. In fact, I advised her to give herself an enema if she wanted to really be on the safe side. That's what the porn stars do, and it might be gross and embarrassing to buy at the drugstore, but it works.
"EWWWWWWW!" shrieked my friend. "Dude, are you serious?"
"Well, what do you expect? Apart from being an alternative hole where guys can stick their dicks, your ass is what you shit out of! This is a basic fact of life!"
My warnings concerning the less glamorous side of anal sex did not deter said friend's curiosity. On occasion, we'd be hanging around chillaxing and all of a sudden friend would blurt out, "Dude, the BF and I almost had BS last night but we weren't drunk enough" or "Dude, the BF and I almost had BS but then I was nervous it might hurt." I remembered having similar concerns myself in college prior to my first BS experience. In fact, my "BF" had to work on me for months to persuade me to at least give it a try.
"When you finally did it, what was it like?" asked my friend eagerly.
"Well, it didn't hurt. It was pretty fun. I mean, it was something different, and it was way sexier and more erotic than I expected. I thought it was going to be gross. But since I don't have a prostate, I had to help myself get there, if you know what I mean. Or maybe Benzo gave me a reach-around. I don't remember. All I know is that if you want to have an O, be prepared to rub it off yourself. At least that's been my experience."
After months of occasional pre-anal sex counseling sessions with me, one morning I awoke to a text from my friend saying something along the lines of "the BF and I had BS last night and it was awesome!!! :D"
I congratulated her for finally daring to go for it, and for having a positive experience. Ever since then, I've been getting regular BS updates from her, the most recent being last Friday morning, February 15th.
And those of you who agree with me should join this awesome Facebook group.
"BS? Yeah, dude, every day. It's called RAZZY.org," I responded.
"No, dude, I meant BS. You know..." She dropped her voice to a whisper, because she doesn't like using graphic sex terms (she routinely says "S'ing D" rather than "sucking dick.") "Anal."
"Ohhhhhhhh...buttsex. I see. Well, yes, of course I have!"
"So...what's it like?" she wanted to know.
"I've been saying this to guys for years, dude. Anal sex is like eclairs. It's fine every so often but don't expect it for breakfast every day." Then I got to wondering about how this got brought up. "Why? Did you have it or something?"
"NO!" she exclaimed, somewhat scandalized. Then, she remembered who she was talking to, and she wasn't going to get judged for being a perv. "Okay, well, I kind of wanted to try it."
At the time, she had recently started dating her boyfriend. I don't know whether it was his or her idea, but apparently neither of them had done this, and both were intensely curious about it.
"So, can you give me some tips?" she asked.
Being the resident slut machine of our crew, I was happy to share wisdom gained from my rather copious sexual experience. I explained that anal sex requires some preparation to be a good experience. You have to make sure you have plenty of lube on hand, don't stick it back in the front unless you've used a condom and/or taken a shower for microbiological reasons, and most important of all, you have to take a shit beforehand. There is NOTHING more embarrassing and decidedly not feminine than finishing up a hot session in the sack by scrubbing poop off your partner. I've had this happen and it was one of the most humiliating experiences of my entire life. In fact, I advised her to give herself an enema if she wanted to really be on the safe side. That's what the porn stars do, and it might be gross and embarrassing to buy at the drugstore, but it works.
"EWWWWWWW!" shrieked my friend. "Dude, are you serious?"
"Well, what do you expect? Apart from being an alternative hole where guys can stick their dicks, your ass is what you shit out of! This is a basic fact of life!"
My warnings concerning the less glamorous side of anal sex did not deter said friend's curiosity. On occasion, we'd be hanging around chillaxing and all of a sudden friend would blurt out, "Dude, the BF and I almost had BS last night but we weren't drunk enough" or "Dude, the BF and I almost had BS but then I was nervous it might hurt." I remembered having similar concerns myself in college prior to my first BS experience. In fact, my "BF" had to work on me for months to persuade me to at least give it a try.
"When you finally did it, what was it like?" asked my friend eagerly.
"Well, it didn't hurt. It was pretty fun. I mean, it was something different, and it was way sexier and more erotic than I expected. I thought it was going to be gross. But since I don't have a prostate, I had to help myself get there, if you know what I mean. Or maybe Benzo gave me a reach-around. I don't remember. All I know is that if you want to have an O, be prepared to rub it off yourself. At least that's been my experience."
After months of occasional pre-anal sex counseling sessions with me, one morning I awoke to a text from my friend saying something along the lines of "the BF and I had BS last night and it was awesome!!! :D"
I congratulated her for finally daring to go for it, and for having a positive experience. Ever since then, I've been getting regular BS updates from her, the most recent being last Friday morning, February 15th.
"Just wanted to tell u i had bs on valentines day!"Awwww. Of all the cute Valentine's stories I had to endure (friends getting engaged, friends making romantic dinners for their significant others, friends going to fancy restaurants, friends giving and receiving jewelry, etc.), hearing that Cupid trained his crosshairs directly on my friend's ass was the most touching of all. Who needs chocolates, jewelry, flowers, or any of that commercial Valentine's trash when you have good, old-fashioned, romantic anal? Nothing says "I love you" quite like a dick in the ass.
And those of you who agree with me should join this awesome Facebook group.
Labels: assholes, BS, gross, perversion, sex, sluts
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