Thursday, March 27, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Ariva
DOB: 2001
Occupation: the future of nicotine addiction
Hometown: Virginia, the "heart of tobacco country"
Current residence: a drugstore near you
Douchebaggery: Thanks to the gossip internets, I've seen a bunch of celebrity skanks running around prominently displaying boxes of Ariva. Supposedly Lindsay Lohan has been paid to prominently display her Ariva boxes wherever she goes. All the gossip pundits seem to think this is a new product for quitting smoking, and have been crowing accolades about these fucktards kicking the habit. As I am quitting smoking myself, I decided to go to Ariva's website to see why it is better than the Commit lozenge, which tastes nasty and makes me sick to my stomach.
I was surprised to see a video on Ariva's website in which a friendly-looking couple talk about how it sucks to be a smoker who can't light up anywhere you want, and how taking long plane rides and hanging out with uptight anti-smoking family members can be a pain in the ass. They also talk about how many smokers would chew to get through it, but spitting is gross and can get messy. There's also a lot of information about how much healthier dissolvable tobacco is compared to smoking or chew. That's not the kind of game that smoking cessation products typically are running, and I realized that's because Ariva is NOT a nicotine replacement product designed to get somebody to kick the habit. Ariva is designed to be a permanent substitute for cigarettes, and in no way wants its consumer to even consider giving up tobacco use. Tricksy!
This is Big Tobacco 2.0. Ariva is being marketed as a health product, but is really just the same cancer-causing, addictive shit in a clever new package. Even better, because it's part of a new formulation, the FDA is refusing to regulate it. So it can be sold to basically anyone, including the kiddies. Hats off to the tobacco companies for coming up with a new way to get kids addicted to tobacco candy under the guise of it being a healthier, more socially acceptable alternative to smoking. I'm skeptical regarding the health benefits or social acceptibility of anything that has been so heartily embraced by old Valtrex Hilton. However, considering that Ariva doesn't look very different from a package of Icebreakers mints, the dumbass kids these days will probably all be hooked on it within the next year. Then in ten years, when they all are missing jaws from mouth cancer, every state will sue Big Tobacco again and heavily restrict/tax the shit out of Ariva sales, and Ariva use will be socially stigmatized, and they'll develop tobacco breath spray or some other way of luring in a new generation of addicts. Ah, the circle of life.
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