Monday, March 10, 2008
Daily Douchebag: fat ugly overbearing lesbians who call me "Britney"
RAZZY Note: this isn't the fat, ugly, overbearing lesbian I am particularly annoyed with, but it's the closest approximation I could find with a Google search for "fat ugly lesbian." This is Daphne Wright, a deaf lezzie who murdered some chick that was hitting on her girlfriend. Currently the South Dakota Supreme Court is deciding whether or not to put her on death row, because it might be cruel and unusual to execute someone who can't hear.
DOB: ???-mid-70s-???
Occupation: hitting on me via insults, being pushy and obnoxious, clitblocking me with the cute femme chicks at the Cubby Hole
Hometown: the Bronx, New York, New York
Current residence: cruising for bitches in the Village of the West
Douchebaggery: As I mentioned last week, I spent Saturday night at the lezzie bar trying to get some pussy for my honey-loving protegee Twathopper. She didn't manage to score any gash, but she did chat up a few ladies quite comfortably and didn't run away from any of them in terror, so I think the night was overall a success. Unfortunately, I didn't have as much luck in the comfortable chatting with the cute girls department.
The night started off very promising. We ate some delicious sushi, and got a few saketinis in the tank to bolster Twathopper's courage for rubbing elbows with the fingerbangity set, and set out for the West Village buoyant with optimism. Although it took forever to get a drink and the bar was crowded enough to warrant negative attention from the fire marshal, we started off by flirting with a couple of relatively pretty lipstick chicks. Sadly, those girls left to go clubbing, so we stepped out to smoke a cigarette, where I was set upon by a fat, hideously ugly butch dyke named Blu.
After showing off her pocketful of Jamba Juice gift cards, Blu managed to get a few minutes of our time by offering us a blunt, which I will neither confirm nor deny we smoked. During this time she regaled us with her opinion on my looks. Apparently in Blu's estimation, I was the hottest girl in the bar. This would have been better coming from someone not more busted than a '79 Pacer with no muffler. I'm not kidding when I say that Blu looked like a bald cupcake in an ill-fitting Akademks sweatshirt. Thus we headed back inside, but were unable to shake Blu. Blu insisted on introducing me to all her ugly butch friends...as BRITNEY.
"My name is ANGIE," I insisted.
"Okay, Britney."
"Don't call me Britney!"
"Why? Britney's hot, Britney."
Is this 2002? Because the last time I checked, the legendary Ms. Britney Spears has been looking a whole lot more like a stray bitch in whelp than the hot piece of ass she once was six years ago. As much as I love Britney, I don't consider being compared to her a compliment. Not to mention I don't have a weave with rats nesting in it, I wasn't wearing torn fishnets, I don't rock the Lee Press-On nails, and I've never been accused of giving off a persistent odor of yesterday's Taco Bell. I was also wearing the standard Razzy uniform (jeans, high heeled boots, and a V-neck titty shirt) rather than my Halloween costume, so these dykes' insistence on referring to me as "Britney" was really, REALLY pissing me off.
"My name is not Britney," I finally said to Blu's main wingbutch. "My name is ANGIE, and I don't like being called Britney."
"But you're blonde," said Wingbutch. "Blu always goes for you little blonde white girls."
Ohhhh, I see. Because Blu has a racial fetish, I'm supposed to just answer to "Britney" like a good dumb blonde. Sorry, bitches, but I don't accomodate insults just because your fat ugly ass wants to play with a Barbie.
"Well, that's fine," I said to Wingbutch. "And I may be blonde, but I'm not a dumb fucking bitch. I'm getting a Ph.D at Columbia. In SCIENCE. And my NAME IS ANGIE."
At least Twathopper was spending this time flirting with a cute chick. I'm glad at least one of us wasn't having her game irreparably tainted by this posse of overbearing, pushy, possessive harpie lumberjacks. When she took a break from her mark, I was like, "Dude, we have to get outside and smoke. NOW."
We escaped outside for a minute, until Blu caught on and came out to find me.
"You're not LEAVING, are you, Britney?"
"PLEASE stop calling me Britney," I said, exasperated.
"Look, you've got to call me, Britney. I'm not like these other girls. I want to get to know YOU. I'm all about YOU."
"How about you start by calling me by my real name?"
Blu ignored this. "I am into having a relationship with YOU. It's all about YOU. The sex is secondary, it's about the relationship with YOU."
"Well, that's where we've got a problem. I do chicks, not relationships. The sex is PRIMARY for me." I thought to myself this was yet another piece of evidence validating my theory that only hideous people think sex is unimportant.
"Oh, I'll change that."
"Yeah, sure. You know, the guys I hook up with aren't trying to wife me. They also call me Angie."
"Oh...you're BI, Britney?"
"Yeah," I said defiantly. "I play both sides of the ball."
"I'll change that."
"Whatevs. Later, Blu." Twathopper and I rushed off into a cab. I was totally pissed. My well of potential pussy had been completely poisoned by Blu and her disrespectful, entitled insistence on being the worst girlfriend ever.
What the fuck is up with these big, burly old butches? They can be worse than men in terms of objectifying and diminishing chicks they set their sights on. Blu didn't listen to a goddamn word I said and just tried to bully her way into my snatch. In spite of her lame sales pitch about being interested in knowing me, she couldn't even address me by my actual name. I can think of very few times I've ever been so minimized by someone who wanted to get in my pants. I've fucked frat boys in bathrooms who treated me with greater humanity and kindness. I guess Blu has to count on manipulating the insecurities of her targets, because she's not scoring pussy based on her utterly unfuckable fat ugliness. However, I am not insecure, and I won't be suckered into getting head from a morbidly obese asshole because of inept attempts to strip me of my identity and possess me. Find some other bitch to spend your Jamba Juice gift cards on. Blu wishes she could kiss my hot ass.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, fat fucks, lezbollah, NYC, sex, Twathopper
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Angie, if that twathopper chick wants to have sex with another chick so bad, why don't you just show her what it is all about, you have the experience and such so why don't you fuck her and give her an experience to remember instead of associating with nasty fucking dykes and other such lowlifes.
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