Monday, March 17, 2008
Daily Douchebag: George Lucas
DOB: May 14, 1944
Occupation: pompous asswipe, extremely wealthy douchebag, ruiner of great franchises
Hometown: Modesto, California
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Douchebaggery: I love the Indiana Jones movies (or at least the ones about Judeo-Christian relics and not odd rituals and the gross edible vermin that exist in remote parts of India) and I love Star Wars Episodes IV-VI, but I can't stand George Lucas. Today I read an article on CNN.com reminding me why.
Recently, George Lucas was pimping out his new computer-animated movie AND television series Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and had a few things to say about how completely destroying one of the most beloved film franchises ever made has been going.
"You've got the whole assembly line built, and then you say, 'Hey, we can make up something," George said regarding the creative process behind what undoubtedly represents yet another ass-raping of everything that originally made Star Wars great. George Lucas thinks he can replace the compelling plot from the first three movies with a lot of disjointed, nonsensical plotlines that are mainly excuses to show off his large CGI budget. Even good parts of the new movies, like where Yoda has a light saber fight with Saruman the White from LOTR, are aggravating because there's such a pervasive sense of George Lucas's masturbatory delight in his cutting edge special effects. These special effects also create a major problem in the chronology of these movies: how did technology get WORSE? In episodes I-III, there are all sorts of fancy spaceships, robot armies, clone farms, etc., and in episode IV they build a Death Star that looks like it was made out of papier mache and packing material staffed with Storm Troopers wearing outfits made out of ventilation ducting and giant Legos? What happened to all the fucking robot armies and high tech body armor?
Another problem with all the new Star Wars stuff is that it plays up all the things that sucked about the original Star Wars movies (annoying robots, Ewoks/other similarly useless species existing solely as a shameless ploy to sell toy crap to kids, incompetent assholes--ie: C3P0 and Jar Jar Binks--who create plot complications via stupidity, etc.). It's like George Lucas sat around thinking up ways to piss me off. I can just see him now, twirling his greased pompadour on his porch at Skywalker Ranch, saying, "And I think we need to include more children...yes, that's the ticket...more kids. And let's explain the origin of the Force as an intracellular rickettsial infection. That seems plausible as a source for the dualistic spiritual energy controlling the fates of the main characters of this film. And make sure all the robots make beeping noises that are as stupid as possible."
Adding insult to injury is that George Lucas talks about the new work as though it's on par with the Bible in terms of social impact, or that his heavy-handed messianic characterization of Anakin Skywalker brings new meaning to the word "profound." I liked the original Star Wars movies a lot, but not so much that I would consider converting to Jedi or believing in the Force as an actual higher power; yet to hear George Lucas talk, you'd think he came up with better shit than Jesus. In the interview I read today, he is remarkably humble, saying, "It's like 'Band of Brothers' in space, with Jedi." Amazingly, Lucas actually only compared his "Clone Wars" TV series to the Golden Globe and Emmy-winning miniseries about World War II rather than the New Testament. Maybe his ego is actually diminishing in his older age along with his volume of heavily shellacked hair.
Finally, there is pretty much no way I'm going to like anything with the name Star Wars lacking one of these three key things:
1. Lando Calrissian being totally smooth
2. Han Solo being a fine-ass scoundrel
3. Princess Leia in a gold bikini
I'm sorry, but Hayden Christensen looking like he just stepped away from a Christopher Street glory hole, Ewan MacGregor rocking softball dyke hair, and Natalie Portman dressed like a space-age geisha doesn't even remotely compare to the original hot pieces of Star Wars. In fact, it cheapens and disgraces it, and not even an entire planet full of Chewbaccas can make up for it.
Since I already got suckered into seeing episodes I-III, TRUST that after being fooled three times and shame on me, I won't be repeating history and joining all the dorks in Darth Vader masks at the multiplex for The Clone Wars. This is an assembly line that needs to be shut the fuck down.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, movies, nerd alert
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OMG, I've wanted to say the same thing about George Lucass since the final episode was released on DVD!!! He is so full of himself, he can't see how ruins the ride for everybody. We would all truly love Star Wars if Lucas would have stayed out of it. He was just trying to make more money than Bill Gates. ...Jealous bitch.
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# posted by 
: 3/19/2008 12:58 AM
: 3/19/2008 12:58 AM Links to this post:
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