Friday, March 21, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Jesus Christ
Name: Jesus of Nazareth
DOB: per the Jesuits at my high school, sometime in the spring of 4 B.C. I know it should be December 25th, 0 A.D., but apparently someone fucked up over in the world's Christian calendar department. And December 25 was the day of some existing Roman pagan festival, so it was just convenient to change that to Christmas.
Occupation: the Christ AKA Lamb of God, Son of God, Son of Man, Prince of Peace, Wonderful Counselor, Good Shepherd, King of Kings, Paschal Lamb, Suffering Servant, the Messiah for us Christians anyway, King of the Jews (per himself and some snarky Romans with gallows humor), carpenter, professional resurrectee
Hometown: Nazareth via a stable in Bethlehem, Israel
Current residence: heaven, apparently on his ass at the right hand of the Father
Douchebaggery: I have half a pepperoni pizza in the fridge that really badly wants to be my breakfast. I mean I went to get my morning Sugar-Free Red Bull and I could almost hear that delicious pizza calling me to eat it. Unfortunately, Jesus had to go and get his dumb ass crucified, thus making today Good Friday and making it so that I can't eat breakfast at all!
I realize that I'm a pretty lousy Catholic otherwise, what with all the harlotry and the birth control pill-taking and the abortion-having and the carpet-munching. In fact, the Pope just revised the Seven Deadly Sins to be more modern, which means I'm doubly screwed. In addition to regularly violating a whole shitload of the old ones (particularly pride, lust, wrath, sloth, and gluttony), I now violate most of the new ones as well (failure to recycle, human rights violations aka making my uterus as inhospitable to babies as possible and evicting any that take up residence there, genetic manipulation of mice, HeLa and 293T cells, and E. coli, and drug use--I mean, ALCOHOL use). Since according to the Vatican's standards I've already got a first class ticket to eternal damnation, I try to be pious where I can in hopes that my efforts will get me to a nicer part of hell. I'd way rather be in the orgy part of hell than the part where all those soul-eating Bosch demons live.
Since I've failed miserably at my Lenten vow (no cigarettes) and I've sucked at the no-meat-on-Fridays thing (a couple weeks ago I forgot and ate a huge plate of pork mofongo before I remembered that it was a Lenten Friday and thus forbade consumption of chicharron de cerdo), I figure that I can at least try to behave on Good Friday. According to the Catholic church, this means at minimum not eating meat, and ideally not eating at all. According to the Razzian Order of Catholics (membership: 1, namely me), this means not eating until 3 p.m., which is supposedly when JC gave his final shout out to God and croaked. After that, I figure there's no sense in starving for the next couple days waiting for him to rise from the dead in fulfillment of the scriptures, so bring on the fish tacos.
Of course I love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as he was eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light From Light, true God from true God, begotten not made, one in being with the Father, etc. I actually do believe in the whole Christian narrative, and if I'm getting a Get-Out-of-Hell Free Card, it'll be because of Jesus dying for my myriad sins. Besides, I can't hate a deity capable of turning water into wine with such an obvious fondness for hanging out with and getting his toes massaged by wanton sluts, whores, and adulteresses. However, I don't understand why Jesus had to go through all this crucifixion hullabaloo. Wouldn't it have been easier to just spend his golden years effing the shit out of Mary Magdalene and the other hookers hanging around him and antagonizing the Jewish elders, feasting on his unlimited loaves-and-fishes buffet, die peacefully as Judea's most renowned carpenter-turned-traveling evangelist, and then rise again? That would make things a lot easier for everyone, especially Jesus, while still managing to fulfill all those prophecies about his Messianic resurrection. It's not like Jesus HAD to do anything involving getting nailed to a cross by Pontius Pilate's legionnaires after a rough sesh with the cat o' nine tails and a laborious parade through the streets of Jerusalem. He's Jesus! He's GOD! He can do whatever the fuck he wants. But NO, he's got to do things the hard way, and now so do all of those of us who get our Roman popery on. Three p.m. cannot come fast enough. I'm starving.
Anyway, happy Jesus Death Day, everyone! I hope you're better at piety than me, because I think I may have just earned damnation by douchebagging my Lord and Savior. Oh well. So goes my sinful life.
Labels: Catholicism, Daily Douchebag, Dear God, gluttony, Razzification
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You should be douchebagging the Catholic Church, not Jesus Christ. The church is one that put all the rules and restrictions on your life, not Jesus. Also the revised version of the 7 deadly sins comes from the church (ie.Pope), not Jesus. I'm not too sure Jesus would appreciate it you calling him a douchebag. You might want to stay inside today, looks like there may be a thunder storm heading your way.
JJ
JJ
# posted by 
: 3/21/2008 10:07 AM
: 3/21/2008 10:07 AM
Jesus was nothing but a fucking liar and fraud, nothing that he said was real at all, there have been more horrors committed in his lying name than anything else on earth, and all that religion shit has done nothing except hold mankind back.
His name and "words" are used to justify the most evil things that man can do, and he is perhaps the biggst douchebag in history. Fuck you Jesus and every bullshit thing you ever said and I am going to commit as many of those new and old mortal sins as I possibly can tonight, especially the one concerning drugs, I am gonna fire up a hue fucking bong and dedicate it to the twin liars of fuckwad Jesus and Pope Benny, then I'm going have a nice big hamburger or salami sandwich and watch some porno and revel in blasphemy, impiety, and sin.
His name and "words" are used to justify the most evil things that man can do, and he is perhaps the biggst douchebag in history. Fuck you Jesus and every bullshit thing you ever said and I am going to commit as many of those new and old mortal sins as I possibly can tonight, especially the one concerning drugs, I am gonna fire up a hue fucking bong and dedicate it to the twin liars of fuckwad Jesus and Pope Benny, then I'm going have a nice big hamburger or salami sandwich and watch some porno and revel in blasphemy, impiety, and sin.
Seriously MG, why is it that everytime you open your mouth (or in this case keyboard) something, biggoted or stupid comes out. You are so full of hate I can smell your stench from here. Look out, NAMBLA won't be legal much longer.
# posted by : 4/01/2008 2:35 PM
: 4/01/2008 2:35 PM
Pussy-boy, if you have a problem with me, why don't you address me with it, I know you go to my site every couple days or so, last Tuesday morning being that last one I saw, and if you hate it and me so then why are you reading everything I wrote at least in part? I know that you have the e-mail address that I post there, you have been at that page at least 3 times, so if you have issues with me, address me with them, don't come here like a little whiny sissy boy where you know I'll only see it by accident, but since you have no balls of any kind, I am sure you won't and since I have had about enough of this site anyway, I won't see the juvenile comments that you leave and I certainly will not miss you or any of the others around these parts.
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