Friday, March 07, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Tom Hanks
DOB: July 9, 1956
Occupation: world's most annoying actor
Hometown: Concord, California
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Douchebaggery: I have a special place in my heart for young Tom Hanks. Not only was "Bosom Buddies" one of the greatest TV shows ever, but cinematic accomplishment such as that seen in Splash, Volunteers, Bachelor Party, Dragnet, and Turner and Hooch is a treasured addition to the American film lexicon.
That said, I completely HATE almost every other Tom Hanks movie ever made. Big was about children so I naturally hated it. Philadelphia was a real drag (although in fairness, I have yet to see an AIDS movie that can be described as "a rollicking good time" or "laugh-out-loud hysterical"). Forrest Gump was almost three hours of unbearably heavy-handed treacle. Apollo 13 was boooooorrrrrrriiiiiinnnnnngggg. Saving Private Ryan stopped entertaining me as soon as the Omaha Beach part was over (and since Tom Hanks's character didn't die there, the movie was ruined). In Cast Away, the volleyball was a more compelling character. Any form of The Da Vinci Code--whether printed on a page or broadcast on a screen--is sufficient to get me foaming at the mouth with ire and disdain. Sleepless in Seattle and You've Got Mail are the kind of movies that make me consider a career in movie theater suicide bombing. Trust that for the good of my fellow man, I haven't seen either one. Casting Tom Hanks in a movie these days is the quickest way to make me NOT go see a movie. For example, I took one look at Charlie Wilson's War and saw that not only was Tom Hanks playing the titular male lead, it also had Julia Roberts sounding like she forgot how to do the grating Southern accent she butchered in Steel Magnolias and was thus resorting to a bad imitation of it. That's the kind of movie that makes me want to smoke a cigarette in a bathtub full of gasoline. Death by explosion is preferable.
In addition to Tom Hanks's recent decade of obnoxious, infuriating film roles is something Tom Hanks said the other day while he was touring the U.S. Capitol building the other day to promote his new miniseries John Adams. In between joking around with Nancy Pelosi and posing for pictures, Tom Hanks decided to weigh in with his political opinions, because he's a movie star and apparently people might care who he's voting for. He confirmed his support for Senator Barack Obama's presidential bid and said, "I wish the election was being held tomorrow. I'm bored!"
Did you hear that, America? If you are undecided on the Democratic candidates, you better just suck it up and get on Team Obama, because Tom Hanks isn't being entertained by this whole so-called "primary" season. Never mind that this is the most entertaining presidential race I can remember since Bush Sr. and Dukakis were battling it out back in the 80s, or that more of America is riveted by the electoral hijinks going on in the Hillary vs. Obama race than any primary face-off I can remember. Tom Hanks is bored, so let's hurry this election the fuck up. In fact, why don't we just skip the election and appoint Obama King? I mean, if Tom Hanks is bored by the Democratic process, it must not be all it's cracked up to be, so maybe he can install a monarchy and save us the trouble of actually deciding who to vote for. Besides, if Obama is good enough for Tom Hanks, he's good enough for America. There's nobody more qualified to tell us who our president should be than an actor who has starred in movies about World War II and NASA.
God, SHUT UP, Tom Hanks! I'm bored by YOU.
Labels: assholes, celebrities, Daily Douchebag, movies, politics
Comments:
Links to this post:
<< Home
Agreed. The only role I ever liked Hanks in besides Bosom Buddies was the uncle in Family Ties. He needs to keep his irrelevant mouth shut.
# posted by 
: 3/07/2008 10:12 AM
: 3/07/2008 10:12 AM
turner & hooch was on comedy central all weekend. hopefully you were able to catch a viewing between scotch shots and twathopper training..
-tafkama
Post a Comment
-tafkama
# posted by : 3/09/2008 3:15 PM
: 3/09/2008 3:15 PM Links to this post:
<< Home
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
